Just started therapy and I realise that I blame myself for exh having an affair

[roaringtyres]

I know it sounds ridiculous but I do. I blame myself too for the massive fall out on the kids too.
I don't even know where to start with this admission as logically, it doesn't make sense.
He was a shit husband, a worse father, sexually coercive and literally did not speak to me unless he had to.
This was the end result of a relationship between two people who adored each other initially. He always loved me much more and believed that even with the birth of our kids, I should be as sexually interested and attracted to him as I had been hitherto.
I wasn't and his constant groping and harassment led to me feeling repulsed but him.
My six year old son actually started to copy him, groping me.
Why then do I feel to blame when he had an affair and left me for his ap and turned our lives upside down ?
Why was I not angry butt guilty?
It just doesn't make sense..

Does this resonate with anyone?

It absolutely wasn’t your fault and therapy will help you see that

Thanks@Shoxfordian. I guessI am shocked as anyone by my admission.On paper, it makes no sense and if a friend said this to me, I'd be very worried about her tbh.

Definitely a feeling to explore with your therapist.

Perhaps because you were gas lit into believing that by him?

You feel guilty because you believe you could have prevented it by being more {insert behaviour/personality trait of choice}. You couldn't. At best, you'd have delayed it, but if someone is programmed to cheat it will always just be a matter of time before it happens.

Yes I get it -- you feel like you should have been able to fix it or are you quite a capable person generally? Its really common to look at perfection (i.e.a lovely marriage) and judge yourself negatively as you don't have that...or weren't able to "sort it out"

Sounds like you were madly in love. Had kids, he still adored you, you fell out of love with him, he persisted in an unwanted way, you got further turned off and then he had an affair. Ideally you would both have communicated and realised you were no longer suited but that didn't happen and things broke down in less ideal ways. It happens. Stop beating yourself up.

Sending massive hugs, I know it is really hard but his actions are no reflection on you. You are in the right place (counselling) to help yourself work through this. Guilt is part of the process, anger will also come I promise you. xxx

I still have days when I feel guilty about the fall out from my ex husband having an affair.

I knew he was having an affair and wish that 3 days before Christmas I hadn't asked him if he was ok... he told me that he didn't love me and didn't want to try and work through. The following morning after he spent the night on Whats App to his affair (she didn't even live in the UK!) he told our daughter and my son that sometimes people stop loving each other and I asked him to leave.

Somedays I wish I hadn't asked that question but the timing is on him and not me. The affair is on him and not me. I was a loyal, faithful and dedicated wife to him, he made his choices. I have however, had to pick up all the pieces and two years on am navigating the emotional turmoil that he caused his autistic daughter.

I feel guilty because this is not what I had planned for my children, BUT... They will heal in time, they know that I love them with every ounce of my being, that I will never walk away from them and more importantly they have a much happier mum. Life doesn't always work out the way you plan it, often you don't have any control in what happens but this is your chance now to make a future for you and your son and you should do that with your head held high. xxx

I think I feel guilty because I fell out of love with him for feeling tricked into a life of being a single parent despite being married . I should have finished it perhaps?
I felt resentful and overwrought from working full time and sound every single thing at home and with kids and yet he expected this full on sex life despite his huge level of disrespect for me as his ' life partner!'
I didn't fancy him after a while and he knew it deep down.
He was hypersensitive so Amy request was seen as a nag and any questioning his way of doing things was seen as criticism.
He never finished a diy job and often left is without a functioning toilet or shower or high light bulbs. He was a tradesman.
Probably ranting here but it helps to get it off my chest.
I think I wasn't attracted to him for the majority of the marriage and maybe pretended subconsciously that I loved him.

You think that probably because he made you think it and you were so blindsided and in love you believed it could only be your fault. I've been there. You will see the light eventually. And you'll be angry about it and then that will pass too and you'll get some peace knowing it wasnt you and there was nothing you could do. If you havent already read loose a cheater gain a life, it really helped me to see through the bullshit and come out ok on the other side. I felt so disappointed with myself when I realised I was blaming myself, how could I be so cruel to myself when already going through hell. Be kind to yourself, just like you would to a friend. It really wasnt your fault.

Thanks for such thoughtful and tender posts. My situation mirrors yours so much @hellfire29 that it's eerie. Thanks

It's very common to feel guilty for things that aren't your fault or that caused you trauma.

Rape victims often feel guilty and/or feel sorry for the rapist.

It's not a healthy way to think, but it is very very normal.

Don't be afraid to bring the topic back to this with the therapist at your next session if it's still bothering you.
If the therapist tries to move on to something else then bring it up with them and say that the realisation has shocked you and you need to talk about it or want to discuss it more, or that you'd like to know a bit about the psychology about why it happens etc.

I'm so sorry that your relationship ended like this when it started with two people who adored each other, those kind of situations devastate a person as you always want them to go back to how they were at the start and probably blame yourself in many ways or obsess over any possible flaws you might have had that might have made the other person treat you like that....but It wasn't you at all!!

I just don't think our brains cope with traumatic situations very well unfortunately and don't do the right things to protect us. Ideally when treated badly our brains would want to strengthen us to get us out of that situation, but unfortunately what most often happens is that people internalise all of the poor treatment and blame themselves for the bad behaviour of others.

I am glad that you are out of this situation now and I wish you so much happiness

I still deep down believe that if I had been different my exH wouldn't have cheated. He had 3 physical affairs that he owned up to and countless other inappropriate behaviours. He told me family life was boring and that he needed more excitement in his life. He tried to make me someone I wasn't. Used to complain I wasn't slutty enough. I didn't change during our marriage, I've always been who I am. When we had kids I perhaps had less energy (sex life was always good though) but he worked away for up to 8 weeks at a time and I had a demanding job and zero support network, so yes, I was tired and I all I wanted when he was home was to do nice family stuff 😞. So yes, I have this massive hang up that I'm a boring person and that is why he cheated. I'm in therapy... Making very slow steps forwards!

Sorry sent too soon. Was to say so yes, I empathise and think it's quite normal but logically I know it's not me. Me being boring could have made him want to end our marriage yes, but he chose to cheat. That is 100% on him. He chose to do the wrong thing time and time and time again. Remember that OP