Feeling alone, cant talk to DP

[Blossomtree12]

We have been together 18 months. There's some bickers along the way but nothing major.
Just recently I've felt alone and like I can't turn to my DP if i've had a bad day or talk to for advice. Seems like her day/work always trumps whatever is happening with me. I always listen to the drama at their work, try to give advice, comfort them when upset, show that I care.

However when its the other way and im feeling either down or something has happened in my day I find them not very comforting. Almost quite dismissive. So then I don't feel like I can say anything and feel deflated and even more rubbish. DP even admitted a while back they find it hard to put themselves in other people's shoes. Their view is well if i can do it or get on with it so can you.

Last week they were going through some stressful stuff. In these situations they bottle it up and say nothing to me then just assume I know how they are feeling so get really mad when im not "checking in" to see how they are. I took 20 mins to reply to a message and they flew off the handle and claimed I didn't care, when in actual fact I was working. I always show I care, I'm always there for them. But why they cannot be there for me??

I feel very alone, your partner is supposed to be the person you turn to in good and bad. I don't know if it makes a difference but we are a same sex couple.

No I don't think it makes a difference in this situation. It is true that women are encouraged to provide more emotional labour and provide sympathy, but I have seen your partner's traits in women as well.

Being able to turn to your partner for comfort during touch times is one of the major benefits of being in an intimate relationship, or it should be. These kind of nurturing kind of traits or behaviours might not be important to some people, but they are to most I would say.

Some people are very stingy when it comes to sympathy, for various reasons. Some of it is simply unkindness. A lot of it is due to selfish self-centredness, almost like a superiority complex.

You see, they don't want to give you slice of the sympathy pie because they want it all to themselves. They think they deserve some, but they don't think you do. Their problems are SO much worse (because everyone is stupid, shit or out to get them) whilst yours....well you should just get on with it and stop complaining. Your problems are so insignificant compared to theirs. They might even see them as your fault in some way, secretly, because they actually see you inferior to themselves.

Sometimes people like this simply don't like giving emotional support because quite frankly, there's nothing in it for them. It costs them too much time and energy, so they will downplay your troubles to train you into not bothering them. However.....they usually expect you to provide them with all that support, and won't like it one bit if you don't (we've already seen that by the example you provided). That's not what they signed up for.

Different people have different strengths of course, and maybe your partner has some great ones, but it wouldn't surprise me if this was a one-way street relationships in other ways too, one where you are giving more, running around more whilst she's quite comfortable in being the taker, the centre of your world.

@EarthSight

No I don't think it makes a difference in this situation. It is true that women are encouraged to provide more emotional labour and provide sympathy, but I have seen your partner's traits in women as well.

Being able to turn to your partner for comfort during touch times is one of the major benefits of being in an intimate relationship, or it should be. These kind of nurturing kind of traits or behaviours might not be important to some people, but they are to most I would say.

Some people are very stingy when it comes to sympathy, for various reasons. Some of it is simply unkindness. A lot of it is due to selfish self-centredness, almost like a superiority complex.

You see, they don't want to give you slice of the sympathy pie because they want it all to themselves. They think they deserve some, but they don't think you do. Their problems are SO much worse (because everyone is stupid, shit or out to get them) whilst yours....well you should just get on with it and stop complaining. Your problems are so insignificant compared to theirs. They might even see them as your fault in some way, secretly, because they actually see you inferior to themselves.

Sometimes people like this simply don't like giving emotional support because quite frankly, there's nothing in it for them. It costs them too much time and energy, so they will downplay your troubles to train you into not bothering them. However.....they usually expect you to provide them with all that support, and won't like it one bit if you don't (we've already seen that by the example you provided). That's not what they signed up for.

Different people have different strengths of course, and maybe your partner has some great ones, but it wouldn't surprise me if this was a one-way street relationships in other ways too, one where you are giving more, running around more whilst she's quite comfortable in being the taker, the centre of your world.

Wow everything you've said completely hit the nail on the head.

She does she me as inferiror. I'm almost 10 years younger and I'm retraining so not currently in employment but studying and volunteering. Whenever I try to say I've had a busy day, they just say we'll you haven't been on your feet all day like me etc.
Although I might not have done, still doesn't take away from me having a busy day.

Yes I run around after her, she expects everyone to sing to her tune. Her dad does whatever she wants too. It also seems like it's one rule for her and another for me and my DS.

It's odd because I don't know if I just never saw this or she's only now revealing the true her.

She does see me as inferior*

Also when you say the centre of my world.
Its interesting because recently I've given less attention to her and focused more on me. Which has triggered outbursts from her claiming I don't care. When in actual fact I'm putting myself first for once.

There's some bickers along the way but nothing major.

I took 20 mins to reply to a message and they flew off the handle and claimed I didn't care, when in actual fact I was working.

Flying off the handle because you took 20 minutes to reply when you were working is not a 'bicker'. It's aggressive and controlling.

@girlmom21

There's some bickers along the way but nothing major.

I took 20 mins to reply to a message and they flew off the handle and claimed I didn't care, when in actual fact I was working.

Flying off the handle because you took 20 minutes to reply when you were working is not a 'bicker'. It's aggressive and controlling.

I know and tried to explain that she has taken much longer to reply before. This has never happened from her before, so I was a little shocked at her outburst.

I'm worried this is who she is and the past 18 months has not been the real her.

I think this person put on an act for you and what you're seeing now is the real person. Abusers cannot keep up the act indefinately and the mask slips.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and this happens in same sex relationships too.

Of course this is who she is. And you'll make allowances because "it's not who she is", then the next time it'll be your fault, then eventually it'll just be her bog standard behaviour and you'll have to put up with it.

You don't have to put up with it OP.

You are seeing more of the real her.

Your purpose is to solely be there for her and to comfort and pander to her. Like her dad.

In her eyes your life and role in tbe relationship isn’t equal. You are inferior to her in life experience etc etc etc. That’s how she see’s it.

She won’t change unless you tell her how you feel. She’ll probably kick off and push it back on you and have a tantrum.

If she can change than your stand a chance. If she sees nothing wrong - then things will never change.

The balls in your court as to how you continue. But saying nothing to her won’t fix anything.

There does seems to be some selfish behaviour and possibly toxic or abusive going on. My boyfriend is abit si.ilar to be honest. He gas depression and issues that make him abit focused on himself. He actually gets upset If I'm not OK because he hates me being down and it can come across cruel and heartless at times. Other times he is great. He definitely suffers more than Me at the moment and I sometimes feel selfish if I'm Wobbly. But it's no excuse. Relationships should work both ways. You should definitely set some boundaries. I think you need a big talk with him. Also to look at the long term and if he offers enough. Some men are very difficult when it comes to this stuff and if you are not careful you end up down and on egg shells

Please change my he's to she's. I don't think same sex relationships change the dynamics. I think there are women who also struggle like this and everything I've said in my post still stands. I am sorry I didn't read that part correctly x

Showing their true self

Time to end

Why put up with this for decades to come when you can find someone else more in line with yourself and what you want.

Thanks everyone.

She said some pretty hurtful things last night. Don't think I can come back from it