How do you know he's the one?

[SunsetCourgette]

Exactly as the title asks - how do you know he's the one?

I'm in my early twenties, been with my boyfriend for a couple of years and have lived with him for the majority of that time. I feel like the spark is gone, and at times, he feels more like a roommate!

For a start, there's no such thing as 'the one' there are multiple people who are potentially excellent matches for any one person, with whom they could lead a happy life so don't worry about that. It sounds from what you say as though you've outgrown your relationship, as is very usual for couples who get together young -- I met my now-husband when I was 19 (now 49) , so I know it's not impossible for a relationship formed very young to expand and grow around the two people involved, but I also know it's very unusual. Not a single other one of our large circle of friends from that period is still with the person they were with when we first got together.

In your shoes I would end things humanely, be single and enjoy it for a while, and date a variety of people. No one should be bored by their relationship in their early 20s (or indeed at all, but if you're bored now, it doesn't bode well for that same relationship when you're 50).

Is there some particular reason you moved in with your boyfriend so early on in the relationship?

You're very young OP, you change and grow a lot in your twenties it might have just run it's course.
I don't think there is a 'one' as such, but I think you know when someone is right for you and in my experience with my DH it just felt different to anyone else.

I agree with pp. There isn't just one person who's made for you and vice versa. That idea that we might miss out on our 'one' adds pressure to people who are looking for a long term relationship.

That said, if you don't feel like 'this is my person', then they probably aren't. It's OK to say that your relationship has run its course. Don't stay together out of habit or good manners. For both your sakes, if you aren't feeling it anymore, walk about. Do it kindly and honestly, and you will both be grateful for it before too long.

that should have said walk out

I think if you feel like you could leave you should. If he was the right person you wouldn’t want to end it.

I also agree that there really isn't just the 'One'. During our 20's, there's a lot of experiences and life to live so it's an unreasonable pressure on yourself to ask if he's the One? If he's the same age, he'll be doing the same thing as well and maybe as other PPs say, your relationship has run its course but it doesn't mean it's any less important for it. If the relationship is not working for you anymore, that's ok. Please try to learn from it, about yourself, him, life etc I personally think we don't spend enough time learning how to end relationships well because there's more emphasis on how to start.

If you're with a compatible partner, you don't ask this question, because things just feel right. Thinking 'Maybe he's the one, maybe he isn't... ' defines him as not a compatible long term partner for you.

Men come and go throughout life.

There is no 'the one'. If you're lucky you find a decent one and it lasts 20 years or so, long enough for any kids to grow up.

But we're all traveling through life and the only person that is on your bus the whole way through is you. Everyone else has different stops to get off at. And the best lesson you can learn is when it's time for them to get off, let them go. That and, if they outstay they're welcome - it's your fecken bus, so just kick them off.

*their.

I should add that maybe that sounds cold. But its not really, humans grow and change and we probably aren't the same at 21 as we are at 41, nor is the person we are dating. And that's a good thing. We're meant to grow and change. And when people don't fit eachothers jigsaws anymore, there's no need to hang around trying to force it.

No, I agree, @Pinkbonbon. I’ve been lucky enough to have a happy relationship last almost 30 years and counting, probably because we’ve given one another a lot of latitude to change and grow — but I do see friends rethinking and in some cases ending theirs without it being any kind of tragedy, and I think I’d think the same if I felt ours was no longer making either of us happy.

Thanks for the replies. There was a good mix which is great.

To clarify, I am happy, I just wonder if the 'honeymoon' phase is over. I love my partner but as I get closer to thinking about how well our lives would align with children in it, I begin to worry. I wonder if that is more so on me, though? I am a natural worrier, so this post was more so wondering if 'the one' exists and if so, how do you know.

That being said, the idea of a metaphorical bus taking me though life has really touched me, @Pinkbonbon. Thank you. I have some reflecting to do.

@SunsetCourgette

Thanks for the replies. There was a good mix which is great.

To clarify, I am happy, I just wonder if the 'honeymoon' phase is over. I love my partner but as I get closer to thinking about how well our lives would align with children in it, I begin to worry. I wonder if that is more so on me, though? I am a natural worrier, so this post was more so wondering if 'the one' exists and if so, how do you know.

That being said, the idea of a metaphorical bus taking me though life has really touched me, @Pinkbonbon. Thank you. I have some reflecting to do.

I think you should absolutely listen to your own worries, and it's very sensible to think them through and pay them serious attention before you make the commitment of children -- I'd been utterly happily with DH for aeons before we had DS and it was still like the proverbial bomb going off in our relationship.

It sounds like a good counsellor would help you tease out what exactly is worrying you. Don't settle for an unsatisfactory relationship because of the sunk cost fallacy. You're very young. You probably have a lot of growing and changing still to do.