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Money worries

17 replies

anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 11:40

I am really struggling with my husband. He cannot do anything for himself he he cannot even make a phone call or or or an appointment for himself without getting completely stressed and giving me the phone. We are really struggling with money since having our baby. He keeps on about wanting to obtain his HGV driving license however only revises for his theory a couple of times before stopping again even though he knows how much we are struggling and are desperate for him to get a better job. He called me this morning in tears saying how he feels like he's failed me because he hasn't got his license yet and is on a crap wage. He has failed three times now but won't accept help with revision as I'm sure he's not revising properly and always says that he is under so much pressure and that is why he can't pass. Does he really want to do it? I am losing the will to live with it all really, I don't want to go back to work yet my baby is only four months old and I feel that going back now I will miss so much of his milestones and it breaks my heart. My husband has no qualifications therefore cannot really get a well-paid job unless it's lorry driving. I really feel let down and depressed tbh, this is not how I wanted my maternity leave to go to constantly sat here worrying about how we're going to make ends meet, any advice welcome!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/03/2022 12:31

I think I read some of your other threads

What work do you do? Maybe you can switch roles after your maternity if you earn more money

Thingsdogetbetter · 01/03/2022 12:31

This sounds like anxiety and fear of failure to me rather than being useless/lazy. It's a lot of pressure to be the sole financial provider for a family. Was you not returning to work discussed before getting pregnant? Or have you moved the goalposts and added pressure on him?

anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 12:37

I'm a nurse, but we agreed that I would have 9 months at home with baby before returning full time. I constantly praise and encourage him and I am really proud as he does work hard and is such a good father. I just really don't want to go back to work earlier than 9 months and he did promise that he would have at least passed his theory before we had our baby, but he did it when I was pregnant and failed then refused to book it again or even revise the points that he did not pass on.

OP posts:
Barkingmadhouse · 01/03/2022 13:03

"I don't want to go back to work yet my baby is only four months old and I feel that going back now I will miss so much of his milestones and it breaks my heart."

How do you think he will feel being away from his child for long period driving a HGV? I think you are being unfair putting this on him

zigazigaahfuck · 01/03/2022 13:08

You shouldn't bloody have to go back to work early because he can't get his shit together! Sorry but not sure why people are saying you're putting pressure on him -- I mean yes, it sounds like he needs it! I have a slightly useless partner in this respect too, I am entering third trimester and my DP still hasn't got a job despite saying he would have one by September, then December, then Jan, then Feb...

He needs some tough love and also a confidence boost that he can achieve something, I would find this behaviour bloody annoying too.

anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 13:26

@Barkingmadhouse

"I don't want to go back to work yet my baby is only four months old and I feel that going back now I will miss so much of his milestones and it breaks my heart."

How do you think he will feel being away from his child for long period driving a HGV? I think you are being unfair putting this on him

He wouldn't be doing long distance lorry driving - it would be Monday to Friday 9-5 not long distance... the same hours he works now. How judgemental are you
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anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 13:27

@zigazigaahfuck

You shouldn't bloody have to go back to work early because he can't get his shit together! Sorry but not sure why people are saying you're putting pressure on him -- I mean yes, it sounds like he needs it! I have a slightly useless partner in this respect too, I am entering third trimester and my DP still hasn't got a job despite saying he would have one by September, then December, then Jan, then Feb...

He needs some tough love and also a confidence boost that he can achieve something, I would find this behaviour bloody annoying too.

Thank you. Other commenters make me out to be an utter witch for wanting my husband to keep up his end of our agreement we made when trying for a baby!
OP posts:
rurallibralady87 · 01/03/2022 13:30

Could you not do one bank shift every weekend? It would take the pressure off and it's just 12 hours away from a baby.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2022 13:32

Should he be driving for a living if he struggles to concentrate?

Duracellbunnywannabe · 01/03/2022 13:34

Has he always had the issue with phone calls? Why come he left school with no qualifications? He could have undiagnosed learning difficulties which would explain it all.

anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 13:44

I am not allowed to do bank shifts/any shifts whilst on maternity leave, I have arranged to do my 10 keeping in touch days over the next 3 months. He drives currently for a living and has never had issues. Just academically he really struggles. He has diagnosed dyslexia and is just a stressy person, I always work hard to keep things in our life as minimally stressful as possible but this is just one thing he has to do himself.

OP posts:
anotherginandtonicpls · 01/03/2022 13:45

@rurallibralady87

Could you not do one bank shift every weekend? It would take the pressure off and it's just 12 hours away from a baby.
I don't really see it as "just 12 hours away from a baby" he is my first and is just 4 months old, I've never been away from him for more than 2 hours and I don't want to be, I'm not allowed to do bank/agency work whilst on mat leave either
OP posts:
baileys6904 · 01/03/2022 14:33

Hang on, youre posting on here for thoughts and opinions, people give them to you, and because they're not what you want to hear, you jump down their throats.
In an ideal world, he would have passed his theory. Or you would have not got pregnant till he did, if it was so important to you however life doesn't follow the rules, so unfortunately you have to deal with what it throws at you. It's shit, but sometimes you have to go for the least shit option.
Can you cut back expenses? Can he look for a better job that doesn't need hgv? Can you address where he's failing on theory and learn together? Can you designate a regular half hour a night to go through it together? Can he apply for other jobs? Can you reconsider 9 months off? Can he speak to his gp about his mental health? Various ideas for you to work through

However it sounds like his mental health is at a low and he needs some help. This will affect your time with baby anyway.
You have to be a team here. Baby's are notoriously hard on relationships and if you're not on the same page, you may not make it through. And that's said with kindness. I think you need to accept your ideal scenario is unlikely to happen, so plan for what you can control in the next steps of your future

Libertybear80 · 01/03/2022 15:16

Is he on anti anxiety medication op? It sounds like an anxiety disorder.

Xpologog · 01/03/2022 15:42

If he has dyslexia is there any provision for extra time or a scribe for the theory test?
Would he see his GP to discuss his anxiety?
If you agreed between you that he’d try for an HGV job and you’d take 9 months leave then that’s what he should stick to.
Are you claiming any benefits you’re entitled to?
Any possibility DH could do a couple of evening or weekend shifts in a bar or restaurant to bring in a bit extra?

LikeDiamonds · 01/03/2022 18:37

Ignore the idiots telling you to go back to work, eejits, and dying to judge you, you’re right!

I think this is how your DH is. Some possible ASD traits, you mentioned dyslexia already? I think if he finds a job that works for him, it could be OK and maybe it’s not HGV, even if money good. Otherwise, this is who he is and there is a limit to what you can do.

LikeDiamonds · 01/03/2022 18:38

If not clear, I’m saying I doubt HGV is gonna be it.

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