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Relationships

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Original poster

“I’m not marrying you!”

22 replies

Earlgrey19 · 01/03/2022 10:29

Been a relationship with someone for 6 months. Feels pretty serious. He’s still going through an acrimonious divorce, though. Yesterday he told me on the phone that he never wanted to get married in the first place, that he doesn’t believe in it but that his ex wanted it. Then he said “I’m not marrying again, I’m not marrying you!”. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’ve been married before also and maybe I’m still working out what I feel about marriage in general. Obvs it’s too early anyway to be thinking about marriage with this guy. He’s very committed in lots of ways and talks about wanting a future together. But somehow I feel thrown by this almost angry statement, “I’m not marrying you!”, possibly a bit hurt.

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlgrey19 · 01/03/2022 10:39

Just to make clear: I didn’t bring up the topic of marriage and have never said I want to get married in the future. So he just made this statement sort of out of nowhere, though it was in relation to what feels about his past marriage.

OP posts:

Canigooutyet · 01/03/2022 10:40

Could be worse. He could have strung you along for years in the believe that he would eventually get married again.

marmiteandminticecream · 01/03/2022 10:41

ouch that would of hurt me as well, but maybe he was laying his cards on the table or maybe his ex as pissed him off and you got caught in the cross fire
if everything else is good i wouldn't right him off unless you do want marriage

TonkaTruckduck · 01/03/2022 10:42

I think if hed in the middle of a bad divorce he's probably angry and venting.
But, he's told you he doesn't want to marry again, if you do he's not the one for you.

Laserbird16 · 01/03/2022 10:43

Sounds like he has issues and may not be in the right headspace for a relationship. Is he normally so odd? Seems a bit weird to being up marriage when no one asked

Viviennemary · 01/03/2022 10:43

I think that was very hurtful. I think I would walk away from this one. It's not your fault his marriage ended badly. He sounds really bitter.

YukoandHiro · 01/03/2022 10:51

"I'm not marrying again" is absolutely fine for him to state - he can set his boundary and it's good that he's being open and honest with you.

"I'm not marrying you" is personal and hurtful.

Can you speak to him again about this at a calmer time and talk to him about what he means by this. Is he committed to you? Or not?

aboutbloodytime123 · 01/03/2022 11:45

I think it's badly worded but I also perhaps understand what he meant. I was very stung by the end of my marriage and I was very upfront with new DP that I had no intention of marrying again. However i did eventually change my mind, as the relationship grew. We are now engaged....!

Martianworld · 01/03/2022 11:52

I remember an ex of mine going through his divorce and saying he never wanted to get married again. It wasn't even that acrimonious but he said he couldn't put the faces of his poor young children at the Court out of his mind.
I think it's just such a shock to the system that it immediately makes people say, never again.
My ex did get married again though. (And divorced!)

ravenmum · 01/03/2022 11:55

My bf and I have both told each other that we don't want to marry again.
But "I won't marry YOU" makes it sound rather like you must want to marry him, and he's pissed off at this image of another conniving woman.

Also reminds me of the lovebomber I met who told me that he WOULD consider marrying me at an equally early stage. As if he was taking it for granted that I would want him to. I wasn't planning on marrying him and found it very presumptuous.

MissyB1 · 01/03/2022 11:56

He’s angry and bitter now and you are in the crossfire. I wouldn’t end it but I would cool it down a bit. I would have a kindly worded chat with him along the lines of
“It might be a good idea for us to slow things down between us for now as I can see you are struggling with what you have going on”.

That might give him food for thought over how he talks to you as well.

Pinkbonbon · 01/03/2022 12:19

Yeh the way that was worded was contempt filled.

I'd suspect he doesn't like women very much op.
At the very least he has taken anger out on you.

Trust your gut when ppl talk to you like that.

Tbh though op, it wasn't wise to get involved with someone who is currently going through an acrimonious divorce. People need time to heal from that shit before dating again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2022 12:27

I think it was most selfish of him to want to embark on another relationship during an acrimonious divorce. It was not at all wise to become involved with him as you have and it makes me wonder what your own boundaries are like.

MightyMinestrone · 01/03/2022 13:57

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Absolutely this. Also why are you dating a married man @Earlgrey19

Him just talking about the future in no way means commitment, not sure why you would think that He can change his mind at any time about what sort of future he wants and whether it includes you or not.

You should know by now that it's easy for men to say words but it's actions that count. That's why marriage is such a sticking point for him, because it's actual commitment to a person. You can't get out of marriage without being subject to the legal and emotional commitments you freely chose to make to your wife.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2022 14:01

He’s in the middle of dealing with the failure of his last marriage. I’m not sure why he’s letting things between you serious, whatever that means to you both, when it doesn’t sound like he’s processed his last experience properly. I’d take a step back. Fair enough if he doesn’t want to get married again, at least he’s being honest rather than stringing you among. But he sounds very wrapped up in what’s going on with his divorce so dial back the committee to talk and just date casually till he’s more stable.

Anniefrenchfry · 01/03/2022 14:04

Well at least you know it’s never going to happen

wearewizardsofoz · 01/03/2022 14:09

My husband said the sane to me (and I agreed) during his divorce. We were married 6 months after his decree absolute. If everything else is good if not worry about it.

Actually full truth, if it were me I'd have said good, I don't want to marry you anyway.

gonnascreamsoon · 01/03/2022 14:13

That was a really horrible thing to say to you, regardless of him being 'wound up' by his divorce !

It sounds like he's assumed that ALL women want /expect marriage, and he's been brutal and needlessly horrible in how he's 'let you know' exactly where you stand !

I'd be giving him the elbow tbh, because of his misogynistic attitude AND his nasty/ rude method of 'communication'

Would YOU ever say what he said to you to him ? Regardless of any 'background circumstances' ?

So why the hell would you put up with him doing it ?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 01/03/2022 19:59

"I'm not marrying you". How effing rude.That's the antithesis of "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

This is a clear message that you are not the "one" and never will be.

Leave him and find a man who will cherish you.

needingpeace · 01/03/2022 20:39

Why are you squandering yourself? What’s the point being with someone this fucked up and rude. Watch that movie on Netflix with reese Witherspoon and the two guys literally fight to be with her. Yeah, pick someone like that! Acrimonious divorce guy - why did the relationship end? I think you now know. Rude and entitled.

TheBigPeach · 01/03/2022 21:05

He sounds as though he needs to do some work on himself post divorce.

iwishu · 01/03/2022 21:14

He sounds angry and bitter, he shouldn't be taking it out on you, that was a hurtful thing to say. I wouldn't be with someone like that.

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