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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online date texting etiquette.. Educate me.

23 replies

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 08:39

Nc for this.
I've been messaging a guy for about 3 weeks now. We were due to meet on the Friday of the red weather warning but we both mutually agreed to postpone to the following Friday. Leading up to it we were both looking forward to it.. Then the morning of the day we were to meet he messaged to say he had been left alone at work as his colleague pulled a sickie.. He was sincerely apologetic and we messaged over the weekend intermittently. We've spoken on the phone and also have had a face time during the period.
We are due to meet tomorrow after work and he's not replied to my last message which has been left unopened since Sunday evening. Admittedly he hasn't been online since then. I wonder what I should do, I don't really want to message him again especially as my last message is still unread. Shall I assume if I don't hear from him by tomorrow morning then it's not going ahead? I feel like he's been so flakey, but in reality he actually hasn't as its been things out of his control.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 01/03/2022 08:54

There are no rules. There is no etiquette. Do what you feel, unless you want a relationship in which you are bound by undefined rules and etiquette.

If you feel he's been flakey, then, for you, he has been flakey. It doesn't matter whether he has actually been flakey, because there are no set boxes to tick regarding what 'flakey' actually is.

The question isn't 'What's the etiquette?', the issue is 'Do I want a relationship with this feeling?'

Do you like how he's making you feel?

CrumpetStrumpet · 01/03/2022 08:56

Just leave it. The fact he bailed the first time was a yellow flag to proceed with caution. The fact he's left your message unopened since Sunday (surely he should be checking to see if you've been in touch?) Is a red one.

A man who is keen to meet you won't leave you wondering whats happening or where you stand. Just leave it. If you hear from him then it's upto you what you do, but I would proceed with caution...

ChickenStripper · 01/03/2022 08:59

He has ghosted you.

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 09:05

I just think who is too busy to check a message and leave it unopened for 32 hours. He hasn't been online since then as he has his last seen on. But I do feel like pp said, if he was that bothered about seeing me he wouldn't leave me hanging.

OP posts:

CrumpetStrumpet · 01/03/2022 09:07

Nobody is too busy to open, check and reply to a message. Trust your instincts and just leave this one. Onwards and upwards :)

ChickenStripper · 01/03/2022 09:07

He hasn't got the guts to call it off. He's just going to disappear. He's maybe keeping you as a back up Plan. I've been there.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/03/2022 09:10

I did 3 years of it and met my DH on it

This one is a not that keen or a Time waster.
Either way - bin him.

He'd have met you on Friday if he was serious (geniunely). If not, he wasn't busy all weekend and could have made it up to you then.
And the fact he hasn't "been online" means he can't be arsed to take 3 seconds to check the OLD platform or he is avoiding opening what's app. Both are crap.

My DH and I were both going through frankly nuts periods at work when we met. but later on when thinking back to that initial period both of us felt was that it was still easy to find the time to meet 2-3 times a week.

In fact, "it was just easy" is the pervading feeling to look for in OLD.
Our relationship was fun easy calm no drama (both felt secure and happy) from the outset. And looking at other strong couples I think it is a hallmarker for success.

We saw each other and it was just nice and felt good.
No one left ayone in suspense.
We never once felt anxious if the other had read and message and wasn't replying (which we both did frequently with others) we knew they were literally too busy and would get some kind of reply in an hour or two max.
No one felt smothered, no intense drama just chilled and lovely.

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 09:13

Don't get it, he could just block me if he is going to ghost me.
I'm not impressed with the flakiness, you should know where you stand and what's going on with someone..

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 01/03/2022 09:20

Don't bother trying to 'get it'. One of the lessons in dating is that everybody is different, and many are totally unfathomable. It's just a measure of compatibility. If someone has you thinking 'WTF?', you're not compatible, and there's no need to waste any further headspace on them any more than you'd waste headspace on any other stranger who appeared odd to you.

VanGoghsDog · 01/03/2022 09:28

You don't know that he hasn't blocked you. He just hadn't at the point you sent the text. Also, he may have turned off his last seen.

But whether he has done this on purpose or not is irrelevant, it's rude and it's made you feel uncomfortable. This is poor behaviour by anyone.

Cancelling because he was at work on his own was rubbish as well. You say "out of his control", but his work day ends and he was seeing you after it was due to end. He made that excuse up.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/03/2022 09:29

@Iwilldrinktothat

Don't get it, he could just block me if he is going to ghost me. I'm not impressed with the flakiness, you should know where you stand and what's going on with someone..

I can't find the page. But it's breadcruming.

The gist is....
Women find a guy duck they think is cute. And loving scatter bread for it tenderly and selectively allocating their bread to preferred ducks.

Men go down to the pond and indiscriminately throw theirs about and see what ducks appear. They then give just enough breadcrumbs to keep a range of ducks milling about in their vicinity. With no intention of selecting a favorite duck or commiting to said duck

Annoyed I can't find the page it has hilarious cartoons on it

BridgesofMadisonfan · 01/03/2022 09:37

He can put airplane mode on and then read your message and it won't say he's been online or that it's been read.

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 09:38

Breadcrumbing🤣 I remember that thread.

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Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 09:42

Oh well. Throw this one back in the sea.

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AuntieStella · 01/03/2022 09:51

Red storm warning is force majeure, so y can't read anything in to that.

But you only have his word about the work-related cancellation.

I am deeply cynical and wouid always suspect married/LTR and just looking for an ego boost in these circs.

If he wants to meet tomorrow, he'll act. But the faking is reaching concerning level now. Don't message him again. Keep tomorrow free in case there's a miracle (but don't expect one, and use your head about any contact from him) but start planning other things going forward

Musttryharder2021 · 01/03/2022 10:01

@Iwilldrinktothat

Don't get it, he could just block me if he is going to ghost me. I'm not impressed with the flakiness, you should know where you stand and what's going on with someone..

@iwilldrinktothat

He doesn't want to, you're his backup plan as already suggested by another poster.

You're living an idealised world where you think you should know where you stand with someone: it's OLD unfortunately usually a cesspit but every now and then you get extremely lucky and meet someone decent. Try not to get overly emotionally invested when dealing with OLD and until you've met someone multiple times in real life.

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 10:01

We mutually agreed to postpone the Friday of the red weather warning.. He's usually really good with contact, as I say we've spoken on phone and face timed. I don't think he's with anyone else! But then again you can never be 100 % sure. I would imagine it's as pp said, maybe just an ego boost...I'm not willing to be made an idiot out of.

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Frigginintheriggin · 01/03/2022 10:24

You can check if he's read a WhatsApp msg without blue ticking. Hold down your msg then go to the bin symbol at the top. If it says delete for everyone he hasn't read it. Delete for me he has.
But only you know if you can be arsed with this behaviour.

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 10:29

@Frigginintheriggin

You can check if he's read a WhatsApp msg without blue ticking. Hold down your msg then go to the bin symbol at the top. If it says delete for everyone he hasn't read it. Delete for me he has. But only you know if you can be arsed with this behaviour.

I think that only works within the first hour of sending. It wouldn't work now.

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Anthurium · 01/03/2022 11:16

Just because you chatted to someone for 3 weeks and "fave timed" them doesn't mean you know them. You're hurt and that's understandable, but see it for what it is: poor behaviour, low level effort. And get rid.

shssandhr · 01/03/2022 11:47

Yeah just get rid. Life's too short.
Have you arranged to meet somewhere after work? ie. you already know the place and time?
If you have and he hasn't messaged, just don't bother. If he turns up and you're not there, tough shit, he should have messaged confirming arrangements.
There's been more than enough time since the red weather warning to arrange a new date and now he's not reading messages so he's not interested.

supercali77 · 01/03/2022 15:39

I genuinely wouldn't keep the evening free even if he pops up. Leaving you unread, flaking, it always leads to them being bellends long term

Original poster

Iwilldrinktothat · 01/03/2022 16:07

I've binned him off. My ex was abusive and I'm not saying this behaviour is abusive but it's settling, something I promised I wouldn't do to myself. I know I deserve better.. So I've deleted his number 😇

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