How serious are our problems?

[EmbarrassedAllOver]

I'm not really sure what title sums up my situation, or what I really want from this thread, so apologies if this comes out as one big waffle.

We've been together 15 years, since we were teenagers. We're not married but have children and a mortgage.

The first years were, predictably, our best. We had ups and downs over the first 10 years but on the whole we were pretty stable. The relationship was easy without kids. We're both quite introverted in nature, although my partner more so overall, so we just rubbed along nicely really. I guess we also had distractions of full time work, buying houses, saving, thinking about a family etc.

Anyway... Since having kids 5 years ago it's been rocky. We have different parenting styles and, if I'm being brutally honest, I just don't really like him as a father. He's fine, he's not abusive, uninterested or absent. The kids like him (although prefer me) but I guess I just don't respect his style of parenting. Both of us think our way is right and that causes friction.

We also just have less and less in common. I've always known we wouldn't be friends if we weren't partners. He likes blokey stuff, action films, gaming, tech, emotionally quite cut off and very much a fixer. Whereas I like to talk, I like to discuss things, would like more of an emotional connection.

So we're bickering more and more recently and the way we talk to each other is deteriorating and our patience for each other is reducing. Just this morning, for example, we woke up having done our own thing last night...
Me - "isn't what's happening in Ukraine awful?"
Him - "whats happening"
Me - "well, the war"
Him - "oh I haven't been following it, whats been happening?"
Me - "oh, why haven't you been following it? It's horrible what's happening, sick kids and parents are in hospital basements"
Him - "oh. Are you judging me for not following it? Just because you go to work and have little chats about it, doesn't mean you can talk to me shit just because I'm not following it"
Me - "woah why are you being horrible..." Etc etc.

And so then it deteriorates to him leaving the room. I will go to work, he will likely later apologise. Then tonight, we'll bicker over something else.

I'm just not sure where to go or what to do. I'm sick of it. It's a slippery slope and recently I've been genuinely regretting my choice in partner. In hindsight I'd have waited to meet someone more similar. I think I've always known deep down that maybe we're not a good partnership.

Eugh. I guess there's no point to this. Because I don't want to split the family over bickering. I just don't know what to do to turn it around. We're not having sex much, no kissing, no affection, barely spending time together. We don't hate each other, we're just growing apart I guess.

Does anyone have any advice? Is it normal to go through phases of not particularly liking your partner?

He seems to be deliberately belligerent just to be a twat.

How does he not know what is going on in Ukraine? Does he think the only people that do are people that chat at work about it?

I'd stop asking his opinion for a start. If you do that, what have you got left? Bearing in mind you know deep down it isn't a good match. Are you going to give it another 20 years before you decide to leave him?

@AlisonDonut

He seems to be deliberately belligerent just to be a twat.

How does he not know what is going on in Ukraine? Does he think the only people that do are people that chat at work about it?

I'd stop asking his opinion for a start. If you do that, what have you got left? Bearing in mind you know deep down it isn't a good match. Are you going to give it another 20 years before you decide to leave him?

Or he is actually thick, and it is bluster to cover it up? But the OP would know that after being with the bloke for so many years, I guess.

It seems like you’ve reached the end of the line with him tbh

I'm a bit on the fence about this one.

My DH, who I love dearly, just doesn't watch or listen to news. If I asked him about the situation in the Ukraine, and expected him to be aware of it and even have an opinion on it. I'm pretty sure the conversation would go pretty much the way you described yours.

There is no point for me in having that conversation with him. If I wanted to talk about it, I would have that conversation with out people.

However I do respect and value my DH's other qualities. He is really good in a crisis, does not moan and just gets on with things. He is sure and steady while I am much more volatile.

the way we talk to each other is deteriorating and our patience for each other is reducing.

If your store of patience is reducing, how important is it really for you to talk about something out side his interests?

How would you get on if you just didn't ask him to do things outside his "expertise"

My advice would be to accept who he is as an adult. Don't try to change who he is.

Can you see and accept his good qualities are different to yours? Could you can live with that person without trying to 'change' him to make him interested in your interests.

Then assess whether you can live with that person for the rest of your life. I hope it goes well for you.

Well when I mentioned something about the war (or anything news related) to DP and he says "oh I haven't had a chance to catch up on the news today - what's happened?" I will say "oh, x, y and z has happened and it's caused this" or whatever, or I'll send him a link - or if it's just something a bit random I'll say "this happened but I hoped you'd know more about it than what I've been able to find - don't worry!"

Then we'll carry on our evening. We don't get shitty with each other for knowing or not knowing what's going on. It all feels a bit dramatic on both parts.

Some people choose not to follow world affairs for many reasons 1. Being it doesn't effect them, 2. They get too engrossed and it's not healthy 3. It's not a healthy use of time to read and read something you can't do anything about. Regardless of the reason why you did kind of probably make him feel a bit poop over not following it. Parenting styles is often different but that doesn't have to mean either way is wrong or right as long as the kids are loved and treated with respect and kindness and boundaries. To me it sounds like maybe you have a picture in your head of sharing conversations and activities with your life partner and possibly feeling disengaged?
Do you laugh together ?
Do you have date nights?
Have you got any joint hobbies ?

If I said "oh I haven't been following it, what's been happening?", my bf would bring me up to date on the latest news. He'd understand the question to mean "Oh, has something major happened that I have missed?"
If he did say "Why haven't you been following it?" I'd be a bit pissed off at him assuming I wasn't even interested, but I'd reply "I have been following it. I thought you must mean that something major had hapened."

This is not to criticise either of you, just to make the point that we would both be trying to get on with the other person. He wouldn't assume that I couldn't give a shit about the war. I wouldn't immediately snap at him if he did make that assumption. This is because we both want to get on with one another. That's what's missing in your interactions. You're not trying to get on, maybe as neither of you care enough to do so? That's serious.

So in summary - you've not been close, or feing connected and you're beginning to doubt your marriage. DH senses this and feels as though you think badly of him, feels defensive and maybe hurt.
So DH will pick up on those small clues you drop as to your resentment of him (eg why haven't you been following the news?) - he senses a put down, disappointment or judgement. This feels hurtful, so he's then triggered, over reacts and has to apologise for overreacting.

And then the same thing happens later.

And it will keep happening OP, unless you're prepared to be honest with him about where you are at - because he knows something is off, you know something is off and you know why - so share it. If it's the beginning of the end, it will be a better ending. But alternatively it might lead him to find a better path and for you both to rediscover things that are missing.

You are different people, that should not mean you can’t live together because he has different opinions you don’t have to argue about them. Certainly don’t fall out over his indifference about Ukraine, it always takes 2 to bicker. However lack of intimacy and not doing things together is a serious concern, you both must make more effort to enjoy life together.
I don’t agree with my OH about everything, we don’t discuss those topics, we do however enjoy many common activities and we have both changed our lifestyle over the last 3 yrs.

I've always known we wouldn't be friends if we weren't partners.

I think I've always known deep down that maybe we're not a good partnership.

Well these seem like the two key sentences in your post really. You've gone down a set life path because it's just what one does, without thinking properly about who you want to do it with. And life is busy enough to distract you from that question for a long while but not forever.

I would need a partner who can talk to me about current affairs and the time to ascertain whether I found them was in the first few months of dating. If that wasn't happening, or at least not without huge positives that meant I could overlook it, we wouldn't be compatible.

The problem isn't being different - DP and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways - it's when those differences affect how you feel and interact together. You both obviously sense the problem, but haven't put it into words, hence immediately becoming defensive and bickering with each other.

At the very least you have to name the problem and talk about it with each other (which I grant might be an issue if he's not a talker). And you have to commit to accepting each other as you both are, points of difference and all. Ideally there would at least be some qualities you love about each other that you can remind yourself of.

I also think it's important to remember that one person can't fulfil every need you have. There are things I can't talk to DP about (not in his wheelhouse, not interested) but I have friends I go to for that. So in your example, if I wanted to talk about Ukraine and my partner had been in a no-news bubble, I'd have friends I could talk or message, I'd have an outlet for that.

I've always known we wouldn't be friends if we weren't partners.

That's a killer for me. You can't build a life with someone if you fundamentally don't like them. You don't have to have exactly the same interests/opinions/hobbies but you have to respect each other and like one another's company. Otherwise its just a financial arrangement with some sex thrown in. It sounds as if you don't respect each other, therefore there's no point.

As an aside, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who had failed to notice what was happening in Ukraine. I mean not everyone's a news junkie but has he been living under a rock?

As an aside, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who had failed to notice what was happening in Ukraine. I mean not everyone's a news junkie but has he been living under a rock?

He said that he's not following it specifically, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what's happening at all. Imagine you wake up in the morning and your partner says "Isn't it terrible about Ukraine?" You'd think that something new must have happened - Kyiv has fallen, a huge bomb has exploded - and you'd ask "Why, what's happened?"
That's what this guy said. It's the OP who jumped straight to the idea that he hardly even knows there's a war.

I've always known we wouldn't be friends if we weren't partners

Hmm, I think this does speak volumes.

God knows my DH and I have our fair share of struggles, we are both headstrong, like our own way, have high expectations, get upset that the other isn't everything we might possibly want in a partner at all times (!, struggle with feeling disconnected while pretending we don't need the other AT ALL and a whole host of other pathologies, but bottom line we do have similar interests and enjoy each other's company ...

I think the "why haven't you been following it?" Is a bit out of order and just sounds like you want to start a fight tbh. It's really snarky and unnecessary and sounds like you wanted him to feel stupid.

You just clearly don't like each other very much and aren't compatible.

I think it is worth looking to see if you can communicate better. Tell him you are genuinely interested in his opinions. If he's not up to speed then tell him what's happening so you can discuss it.

My partner and I discuss lots of things all the time and quite often one of us will know more than the other.

So I've had the day to calm down. I think we've gotten into bad habits. We don't communicate effectively. We're shattered. We don't prioritise alone time (haven't been without toddlers for 3 years). We don't prioritise self care. And therefore it's all become stale and a bit bitter.

I want it to work. He's got many positive attributes. He's reliable, loyal, hard working and sincere. I guess life's just gotten a bit serious and dull and we blame each other.

I don't have the energy to fix it at the moment but perhaps will have a chat with him about small steps we can take. We both want it to work which is the main thing I guess.

I've been married for 41 years, together 44. Met when he was 19, me 18. We've quite different, but we have acceptedeach other's ways.

I talk to some people about some things, other people about other stuff. My husband does that too - he talks about cars/motorbikes/tools to his mates, beers/films to Son1, other stuff to Son2. We can't all be the same, and we can't all agree with others all the time.

One person cannot be everything to you op.

You would find it hard to find all that you want in one person. Maybe you could find your intelectual soulmate but then maybe the attraction wouldn't be there.

You picked him all those years ago, whether you have changed or have different requirements now, who knows but creating arguments by being patronising is a little unfair and will put him on the defensive.

Sometimes we take our loved ones for granted and need to reconnect.
Show each other you care.