Emotional connection in marriage with kids

[majormumma]

I would be really interested in hearing about other couples married with DCs and level of emotional connection.

For context I don’t have any couples around me that are in my position nor do I have parents who were in a healthy marriage whom I can talk to this about.

Have been with my DH for 7 years, we have a somewhat fulfilling sexual relationship and sexually there’s chemistry there, BUT we met young and as time goes by I really feel like we lack a strong emotional connection. I’m very emotional, I love deep conversation and truly connecting. I feel that over time I’ve noticed my husband doesn’t like to do that, our conversations are very matter of fact. If we discuss anything or if I should bring up a conversation it’s very much one sided. He shuts me down not in a nasty way but it’s just very … nothing. I just feel that we don’t get past the tip of the iceberg when we speak.

He’s tired and we have a small baby so I do make allowances for that but he’s always miserable, I’m starting to really not enjoy weekends together as they always end in him moaning about being tired and us arguing. He’s started to get lazy at home too and I feel resentful of that. He doesn’t plan anything anymore, no kind gestures etc. I feel that I always go out of my way to do little kind things, I’m a housewife due to being on mat leave and I put effort into insuring some level of happiness at home and whilst he works hard, I feel like that’s it. God is that bad?! I know it could be worse!

I feel that he has very little interest in me and the things that make me tick, no words of encouragement, no emotional talks. I know that he loves being out with his friends, at the pub, or going to watch football. This doesn’t appeal to me. He works hard, is loyal and kind but I just don’t feel like he brings out the best in me nor do I feel like we’re particularly compatible.

I don’t want to throw him under the bus here, I love him and we have 2 small children so I would like to make things work but I also feel we’ve spoken many times about our issues and fundamentally they’re due to us being two different people who want different things.

I guess I want to talk to other couples in my position to understand if this is due to our situation of being tired and passing ships in the night as we have two small children or this is more due to a mismatch in personalities.

Bumping

Children do take a toll on your relationship, no doubt about it.
But my question would be, if you didn’t have children right now would you still want to be with him ?

No I wouldn’t

@GeneLovesJezebel

Children do take a toll on your relationship, no doubt about it. But my question would be, if you didn’t have children right now would you still want to be with him ?

OP, I was sorry to read your reply to this poster as I fear that this is your complete answer. If you did not have young children then you would not want to be with him. I did read that you love him ? You seem to have little in common though. I think that you are scared to confront how you really feel. At the moment your hormones are probably all over the place but please think carefully if you really believe that you can spend the next 18 years or so with this man or will your children grow up with a mother who regrets staying with their father. Only you can make the final decision but make sure that you have everything in place if you need to make it. 💐

OP I’ve been lurking on this thread as your post resonated a lot with me. I was in a very very similar situation with now exDH this time last year, minus the sexual connection (sex was few and far between, mostly because I wasn’t interested). Decent enough bloke but we never really talked, he was very negative about everything, I got shut down a lot and spoken to like a silly child. We’d also got together young, had been together 10 years and it just felt like we were growing apart and no longer compatible, as well as years of the usual built-up resentments (on my part) that often occur after children. I kept track and at one point it took us 6 weeks to have a conversation about anything, absolutely anything, that wasn’t purely logistics of life (what shall we have for dinner, I’m taking the children to y today, etc). I’d try and talk to him and just be shut down or snapped at.
One day something just clicked and I thought, I can’t do this for the next 50 years. I felt flat and lost and had started to not even recognise myself - I kept remembering my younger self who was full of life and enthusiasm and wanted to do things and go places and I felt like that person had just disappeared. I’d been telling myself for years that that was just the nature of growing up and getting older and it was normal - but guess what; we split up and I have my joie de vivre back in SPADES! I feel like I’m back to the person I used to be - and I’d really missed her! It wasn’t a side effect of getting older; it was because he’d been subtly bringing me down for years and I hadn’t noticed until I was so far down the line I was almost unrecognisable. I’m so so so much happier and have absolutely no regrets. And I’m with a new man who makes me realise just how poor my marriage to exDH was and how much was missing from it.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience WhenIsItTooLate I’m so pleased that it worked out for you. I think we are heading the same way, we don’t talk about much either. I don’t even know if DH actually realises himself.
I’m just very afraid of making the wrong decision, my DH is a good man. I’m thinking to ask for a break, he went away with friends recently and I was shocked at how nice it wasn’t having him around the house which I hadn’t ever experienced before.

Oh OP, this could have been me. I felt just the same. Married to a lovely man, one small child, been with him since my teen years and we rubbed along OK, but it dawned on me over time that actually, he wasn't in the least bit interested in me, my ideas, my thoughts, my job, my feelings. He adored our son and loved me in his own way, but I wasn't a priority and, once I'd realised that to him, I was effectively part of the fixtures and fittings of the house, I couldn't get past it.

I did leave, it wasn't easy but it opened up my life to so many new and wonderful things. It wasn't all roses, far from it, but I rediscovered my ambition, my drive and for my son and I, our lives became so much richer. My parents and friends all commented on how I'd come back to life, and it was true.

We've coparented now for 15 years and we get on like a house on fire. I look at him and feel so fond of him, but can't imagine a life where I'd stayed.

I really hope that helps?

@majormumma

No I wouldn’t

I think some of the other pps have given you some brilliant advice. But this reply really resonated with me. I really hope you can make the move to make yourself happy again ❤️

My parents and friends all commented on how I'd come back to life, and it was true.

This sums it up beautifully! I had the same thing. As well as various friends and family members telling me they’d had suspicions from the start that we weren’t right for each other and wouldn’t last, which was an enlightening surprise to me.

Me too. His face would literally light up when spending time with friends, he was so interested and enthusiastic for lots of different things but with me he just wasn't interested at all. The sex was good but that was it. I could be upset or excited about something and he would barely acknowledge me. We could go weeks and months with functional conversations only, and just because he didn't value me as a person although he would tell me he loved me.

He is an ex now and it hasn't been long but I already feel better