Guilt over no contact

[moita]

Last year we went no contact with DH's husband father but we continue to see his mother.

In my heart I know it was the right decision. He's always been an odd man and done some bizarre things but it was getting to the point our children were scared of him because of his extreme behaviour.

MIL totally understood our decision.

Anyway he recently wrote a letter of apology. I was wiling to read it but it basically pointed the finger at everyone. It really painted him as the victim.

We are continuing no contact but I feel so guilty! I keep wondering if its the wrong decision and I know it must hurt him not seeing the children but his behaviour really has got worse over the years. Plus he is racist and sexist which the kids are going to now start picking up on.

I think like lots of women I'm so used to putting others first and being a people pleaser.

How do you get over this or can you? DH is totally supportive but I just have this nagging need to want to please everyone

MIL will never leave him but although we have a difficult relationship I would never stop her seeing the children as she would never cause harm to them.

I think like lots of women I'm so used to putting others first and being a people pleaser.

You're putting your children first.

Their feelings are more important than those of a racist, sexist man who upsets them.

Thank you needed to hear that

I've not had contact with my mother for 10 years. It took her actually becoming a risk to my children to make the decision (I'd had periods of low/very low contact before).

I feel sad that my children haven't had a grandma but I've never felt sorry for her. She made her choices.

Yes that sound similar here. And you're right: they've brought it on themselves. As you say I feel sad my children haven't got a nice grandad on DH's side.

Similar to you we stopped contact with DHs father over 3 years ago now. Horrible man but he basically chose to continue saying racist things in front of our children over having a relationship with them. His exact words were- you can't tell me what I can and can't say in my own house so if you don't like it don't come - so we haven't.
It's out a huge strain on DHs relationship with his mother and siblings, but they've decided to take his side.
My son is 3 and has never met DHs dad, he was very I'll when he was 1 and DH never heard from him at all so that was that.

What I tell myself is, they're not missing out on a grandad like they have on my side. Because he was never that grandad anyway, and he clearly doesn't care for anyone but himself.
I in fact refused to call him that, I will specifically say DHs dad, even to the kids if he comes up because he is NOT their grandad.

You are doing what is best for your kids and you should never ever feel guilty about that.