Relationship- life help

[lostwonderer]

Sorry for the long post but I really need to get a few things off my chest & see what others would think of my situation. I have been in a relationship for 15 years, he is my first and only partner. He worked away for years whilst I brought up our children and had my life on hold. He has cheated on me whilst working away and at home. Flirted with my friends in front of me all the time when we are out and hates me in drink, leaves me to walk home alone. A few year ago a girl from a area he worked msgd him on fb to say he lied about being single, i found messages of him asking my friend what porn she was watching so he could do it to the same ( they ended up calling) he told a friend he was in love with one of my best friends a few year back & I even found emails to see he had purchased a vibrator for my own mother 2 year ago. As you can imagine all of this made me distraught , ruined the relationships with friends and even my mother .I have been broken down in every way and made to not feel good enough. I stayed and dealt with all of it on my own as i didnt have anyone and I didnt want a broken family for my children. He was obviously full if apologies and change and then goes straight back into the same shitty person. I thrive off the highs as theyre so rare but every day is constant misery and he is so negative. He doesnt take us as a family out and in the school holidays i do day trips with the kids myself, he has been home since covid, not working and has no interest in doing so. I feel so dragged down in life. He wont help around the house until i nag and then theres an argument through me nagging. I dont want to nag but its the only way I get through. I know all this sounds crazy but I honestly have always loved him, less now than before but I cant seem to be without him. Is it because its all I know or am I right in hoping he will change in the future? I am so full of rage lately, so frustrated and every time I speak on anything I'm belittled for bringing up the past but I need to heal. When I have strong days and ask him to leave , he goes for a few hours and comes back acting like nothing ever happened. In arguments he calls me crazy psycho etc & im not even though after everything i should be. I feel trapped and so unhappy but know I love him, i am so lost, he's all i know :( I have a lot of love to give in this life and know i deserve more i just dont know how to get it.

There's so much more too. He tells me he loves me all the time but I think he's just in love with having a maid as a partner as its obvious he wants the best of both worlds.

You say you don't want your children in a broken home, they are in a broken home. Cheating, moody, controlling husband who buys your mum a vibrator. How much more broken do you need?

You say "enough now we need to split for good. Thus is not what I signed up for I can't do this anymore"

Sorry your going through this but I have to say you sound like a very strong independent women. You sound like you do pretty much everything yourself anyway so you can be without him. After 15 years I doubt anything will change now unfortunately. You have to do what is right for you and your children. It's scary to be on your own after so many years but you can do it! He certainly does not respect you at all. As you say you have been broken down, you don't feel good enough, he argues with you for asking for help, he calls you names when you argue, he's cheated. I'd say the bad outweigh the good here. I honestly think you would be better off without him. It will be rough for a while but you can do it and will feel so much better for it. You are good enough! Please don't waste anymore time with this man, nothing will change and your children will pick up on it. They want to see a happy mum not a mum who is a shell of herself.

Thank you , I agree but I just cant seem to get him to allow me to move on with my life. He always moans that he has no where to live and that its depressing that in his 30s he will have nothing (i didnt make him do all these things to lose everything) & when arguing and telling him to leave he speaks about suicide

Why isn't he working, I hope he's doing the majority of child care and house work while you are working. You'll be better off without him if he's not contributing at all.

He just is in a rut right now. Nope I do everything. I clean , cook , get the kids ready etc. When i nag he brings up the 2 things hes done in the past week and uses that. I feel so helpless, he makes me feel like im not entitled to feel this way, Its making me a shit person as im full of anger lately towards him and its killing me saying some of the things i say as i know its not me, its who he's making me be.

Let him moan, let him threaten suicide, let him start again in his 30's, plenty of people have to. He is responsible for his own demise and you don't owe him a thing, not even your pity.

As Miracle29 says, you're doing everything already, what is he actually bringing to your life other than misery and pain? Staying with him is effectively setting yourself on fire to keep him warm and why would you do that?!! And that's before we even get to the damage it's doing to your DC watching the way he behaves and absorbing the example of a relationship he is setting.

So what can we do to help with practicalities? Can you give us an idea of your situation so we can advise? Are you working, is the house rented or mortgaged and in whose name? Does he have family nearby he could stay with initially?