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Original poster

Mil nightmare! Helps

28 replies

Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 14:21

I posted this in a different topic but realised it fit a lot better in this one

Hello everyone!

This will probably be quite a lengthy one but to cut a long story short, me and my MIL don't get on, we used to but we don't anymore she never really accepted the fact her son grew up, got married, had children, I'm just seen as the evil one who 'took him away'...

After having children we did try to clear the air, multiple times, sitting down and talking, we tried to be civil but in all honesty it just really doesn't work, there's always some kind of issue.
His family are really petty towards me, and bitter and in all honestly I just don't want that in my life, nor do I really have time for it!
I really don't know how to handle this situation. My husband is very laid back about things, but I know when he's received messages from them trying to make him feel bad it does get to him.
I respect that his family are my husbands family, but it seems they really don't accept or respect me as my husbands wife, and mother of his children.
The last time we went to visit them was before Christmas, his grandma actually shouted at me in front of my own children over something so silly, me and my husband were both just stunned and took back she would do that, as no matter what issue there is we've always been fine in front of the children! I
My children and husband had Christmas presents all nicely wrapped in ribbon ect, in nice gift bags with gift tags, and the gift i had got wasn't wrapped at all, no gift bag or tag ect just very very petty.
My birthday is 2 days after Christmas and there was no card or even a happy birthday message to my husband from any of them, which no matter what I've always got them cards because it's just a card right?
Ever since that visit my husband had made no conversations to me about visiting them ect, I don't bring it up or ask about it because I don't feel like it's my place to ask, and to be honest It doesn't phase me going anyway.
we usually try to go around once a month if that, my children are 2 and 1 and my 1 year old has only met them twice, my 2 year old maybe 5 times if that!
This has never been brought up but the idea of him taking the children and me just staying home I don't feel comfortable with either as I really don't trust them, but I don't know if this has to be the only way round it? Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle it, or any experience they can share?
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you all have a lovely day xx

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 28/02/2022 14:29

I’m not sure what you are asking. If you normally go once a month then how come your two year old has only seen then twice. I’m a bit lost.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 14:34

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I’m not sure what you are asking. If you normally go once a month then how come your two year old has only seen then twice. I’m a bit lost.
Oh I'm so Sorry that's completely my fault for not explaining a little more!! So We used to go once a month before lockdown, and before my husband started working more a little more overtime on the weekends (we're saving for a mortgage) xx
OP posts:
FelicityPike · 28/02/2022 14:51

I wouldn’t bother my backside with them.
They want to see the children, they can come round to yours or your husband can take them by himself for an hour or so.

Maleficentier · 28/02/2022 17:20

Perhaps pick a neutral area (playbarn or something) and as your children are so young, only stay 2-3 hours at most. It does seem like if you're laws have the upper hand they will take advantage of it so I wouldn't let them play host anytime soon.

And don't let your family go without you. It sounds like your husband is unable to stand up for himself around his family

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 17:28

Stop instigating or organising meet ups. Leave any relationships to dh to manage.. Your dc won't miss out not seeing such people.. Being blood related isn't a legal obligation to see them.

KylieCharlene · 28/02/2022 17:29

I'd not be encouraging my husband to take them to visit if I wasn't going along too either.
If he starts taking them while you stay home you're leaving yourself open to them dripping their poison in their ears.
It doesn't sound actually lime you trust your dh to stand up for you in your absence either.
He really should be on your side and make this crystal clear to his family.

Drinkingallthewine · 28/02/2022 17:30

You are the one making all the effort with them. So don't. Don't get cards or gifts or any of that. It's your DH's family so he can do it. Ditto with trips to see them. He mentions it and organises it all and you just turn up disengaged.

It's quite surprising how a lot of men don't bother as much with their family of origin without their wife to remind them that it's a birthday /mothers day /etc or that it's been three months since he visited...Wink

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:39

@Drinkingallthewine

You are the one making all the effort with them. So don't. Don't get cards or gifts or any of that. It's your DH's family so he can do it. Ditto with trips to see them. He mentions it and organises it all and you just turn up disengaged.

It's quite surprising how a lot of men don't bother as much with their family of origin without their wife to remind them that it's a birthday /mothers day /etc or that it's been three months since he visited...Wink

See this is what I find so hard in cards ect! Do I just put my name on the one my husband sends? Or do I completely just keep of it it? Xx
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:43

@KylieCharlene

I'd not be encouraging my husband to take them to visit if I wasn't going along too either. If he starts taking them while you stay home you're leaving yourself open to them dripping their poison in their ears. It doesn't sound actually lime you trust your dh to stand up for you in your absence either. He really should be on your side and make this crystal clear to his family.
You've hit the nail right on the head there that's exactly how I feel, like there heads would be filled with poison if I wasn't there! It's not that my husband wouldn't stick up for me I don't doubt he would if anything negative was said towards me in front of him, but he's very easy going, anything for a quiet easy life! Any kind of drama or confrontation he would stay well away from! X
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:45

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Stop instigating or organising meet ups. Leave any relationships to dh to manage.. Your dc won't miss out not seeing such people.. Being blood related isn't a legal obligation to see them.
I'm not usually the one who actually organises any meet ups, I do usually leave it up to my husband to say when we're going, he usually mentions it around once a month or there abouts but hasn't mentioned it since before Christmas! Xx
OP posts:
theveryhungrycatapillar · 28/02/2022 19:46

I'm sorry OP that's awful and honestly
I could of wrote a lot of that myself as my in laws have took a dislike to me also after marriage and children. I get uncomfortable with DH taking the kids but if I refuse then it's another reason for them to complain about me. I let him take them as I know the children are in no danger (other than having to listen to mil for a couple of hours) I do draw the line that if they start to talk negatively about me in front of the DC then he is to leave. In laws are difficult and sometimes you've just got to admit defeat and let go of any negative feelings you have and leave them to it. Next time he goes let him take the children and you enjoy some time to chill out! Thanks

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:47

@Maleficentier

Perhaps pick a neutral area (playbarn or something) and as your children are so young, only stay 2-3 hours at most. It does seem like if you're laws have the upper hand they will take advantage of it so I wouldn't let them play host anytime soon.

And don't let your family go without you. It sounds like your husband is unable to stand up for himself around his family

They defiantly would take advantage that's exactly how they are yes! I dont doubt my husband would stand up for me if anything negative was said about me to him, but he's just so laid back anything for a quite easy lifeHmmxx
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 28/02/2022 19:49

@theveryhungrycatapillar

I'm sorry OP that's awful and honestly I could of wrote a lot of that myself as my in laws have took a dislike to me also after marriage and children. I get uncomfortable with DH taking the kids but if I refuse then it's another reason for them to complain about me. I let him take them as I know the children are in no danger (other than having to listen to mil for a couple of hours) I do draw the line that if they start to talk negatively about me in front of the DC then he is to leave. In laws are difficult and sometimes you've just got to admit defeat and let go of any negative feelings you have and leave them to it. Next time he goes let him take the children and you enjoy some time to chill out! Thanks
This is what I'm thinking may be my only option, but they are that toxic in way I hate to think what there heads would be filled with as they grew older. It's such an awful position to be in and really do wish it could be different! It's such a hard one as well, knowing what to do for the best x
OP posts:
BlondeWidow · 28/02/2022 22:05

Your husband sounds like a wet fish!
Sorry op but the very reason you're having to post here, is because you've essentially been left to deal with this situation, whilst your DH just did nothing.... Had he have defended you (both) when you were 'told off' and all of the other times things were undoubtedly said to him, then the situation would already be sorted. No issue.

Your husband should be your adversary. The other half of your team?

Drinkingallthewine · 01/03/2022 11:38

See this is what I find so hard in cards ect! Do I just put my name on the one my husband sends? Or do I completely just keep of it it? Xx

What I mean is that you do nothing.

If your husband wants to send a card, then he's;

  • responsible for remembering the date
  • responsible for buying the card, writing it out from him, you and family and putting a stamp on it and bringing it to the post box himself Same with family anniversaries, birthdays, mothers day, and general family get together, texts and updates about DC - he does his family and does it without you in the background prompting him to text or call his mother.

All to often in many relationships (my own included sometimes) the bloke goes "Oh we must remember to get Niece a birthday gift" and then they kind of think their part is done - that their partner will go digging to find out what Niece likes these days, trek to the shops, pick something, wrap it nicely, write the accompanying card and have it handed over on the right date and they get all the praise and thanks for the gift. The wife work essentially.

My lovely MIL said something hurtful and intrusive to me one time, so I just...disengaged. No showdown, I just became busy at work for several months. The upshot was that DP didn't visit or call as often without me reminding him, or if he did, he would do a lightening visit without DC. There were also a few birthday acknowledgements missed and she soon realised how much I facilitated him and DC being part of her family life when I became too busy to do it. So after that she respected my boundaries vice versa.

So that's my advice. Just stop making the effort - and give him fair warning by telling him he organises his side of the family and you do yours. It's up to you if you visit or not, but start by dropping the wifework for everything that side of the family. And tell him you are doing it so that he knows that it's now his responsibility.

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 01/03/2022 14:07

@Drinkingallthewine

See this is what I find so hard in cards ect! Do I just put my name on the one my husband sends? Or do I completely just keep of it it? Xx

What I mean is that you do nothing.

If your husband wants to send a card, then he's;

  • responsible for remembering the date
  • responsible for buying the card, writing it out from him, you and family and putting a stamp on it and bringing it to the post box himself Same with family anniversaries, birthdays, mothers day, and general family get together, texts and updates about DC - he does his family and does it without you in the background prompting him to text or call his mother.

All to often in many relationships (my own included sometimes) the bloke goes "Oh we must remember to get Niece a birthday gift" and then they kind of think their part is done - that their partner will go digging to find out what Niece likes these days, trek to the shops, pick something, wrap it nicely, write the accompanying card and have it handed over on the right date and they get all the praise and thanks for the gift. The wife work essentially.

My lovely MIL said something hurtful and intrusive to me one time, so I just...disengaged. No showdown, I just became busy at work for several months. The upshot was that DP didn't visit or call as often without me reminding him, or if he did, he would do a lightening visit without DC. There were also a few birthday acknowledgements missed and she soon realised how much I facilitated him and DC being part of her family life when I became too busy to do it. So after that she respected my boundaries vice versa.

So that's my advice. Just stop making the effort - and give him fair warning by telling him he organises his side of the family and you do yours. It's up to you if you visit or not, but start by dropping the wifework for everything that side of the family. And tell him you are doing it so that he knows that it's now his responsibility.

Wow thank you so much for this I completely agree with you! Leave it up to him and me just stay out of it is the best way to do it I believe!!!
OP posts:
DPotter · 01/03/2022 14:47

Blondewidow

Your husband should be your adversary. The other half of your team?

Surely an adversary is an opponent not a partner or supporter ?

Spgfr94 · 01/03/2022 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Tillow4ever · 01/03/2022 15:15

@Spgfr94 do you have the right thread?

Charmatt · 01/03/2022 17:22

I had years of this type of crap and thought I was always the bigger person by still visiting. Then, during lockdown we couldn't visit and a few months ago she made a remark over the phone about my husband being the 'breadwinner' because the man is always the breadwinner. I lost my shit about it because I was annoyed that my OH didn't want to acknowledge that she was disrespectful. I told him that if his mother thought I went to work for shits and giggles then she could get lost....

....and I haven't engaged since! He goes to visit her every few weeks or so and I don't. I don't miss her and I'm sure she doesn't miss me.

I feel so much better. The kids haven't asked to go with him and he hasn't asked them to go either.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 17:50

@FelicityPike

I wouldn’t bother my backside with them. They want to see the children, they can come round to yours or your husband can take them by himself for an hour or so.
I disagree.

Why should they see her children? And her husband should have her back and not put up with his wife being treated so badly.

FelicityPike · 01/03/2022 19:42

@Nanny0gg I thought I’d be diplomatic.
We are NC with my DH’s family too and they don’t see our DC. (Different reason to OP though).

Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 01/03/2022 21:11

@Charmatt

I had years of this type of crap and thought I was always the bigger person by still visiting. Then, during lockdown we couldn't visit and a few months ago she made a remark over the phone about my husband being the 'breadwinner' because the man is always the breadwinner. I lost my shit about it because I was annoyed that my OH didn't want to acknowledge that she was disrespectful. I told him that if his mother thought I went to work for shits and giggles then she could get lost....

....and I haven't engaged since! He goes to visit her every few weeks or so and I don't. I don't miss her and I'm sure she doesn't miss me.

I feel so much better. The kids haven't asked to go with him and he hasn't asked them to go either.

How old are your children if you don't mind me asking? Old enough to make the choice whether they want to go or not I'm guessing? See that's why I find hard because my children are only 1 and 2
OP posts:
Original poster
Bittersweet12 · 01/03/2022 21:13

@Nanny0gg this is exactly what my best friend said but I didn't know if it was harsh. She said to me, no you shouldn't stay home whilst he goes and takes the children that's allowing them to shut you out your own family which I'm sure she would be more than happy with!
Until she and the rest of the family can show you respect, treat you the same as everyone else for the sake of the children then you nor the children should go, because all your doing is encouraging there behaviour by doing nothing! I just didn't know if it was harsh/controlling to stop the children going

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 21:23

[quote Bittersweet12]@Nanny0gg this is exactly what my best friend said but I didn't know if it was harsh. She said to me, no you shouldn't stay home whilst he goes and takes the children that's allowing them to shut you out your own family which I'm sure she would be more than happy with!
Until she and the rest of the family can show you respect, treat you the same as everyone else for the sake of the children then you nor the children should go, because all your doing is encouraging there behaviour by doing nothing! I just didn't know if it was harsh/controlling to stop the children going [/quote]
Your best friend is right!
Your Dh, you and your DC are a unit. If they don't respect that then they have no involvement with any of you

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