Fights

[Estherpologist]

As I start divorce proceedings, I keep hearing from more and more people about the fights and arguments they have with there DP.
Does anyone not have fights? What are they about? And how do you make up after a fight?

Why are you asking? Second thoughts about divorce? Plenty of people live in horrific marriages so I’m not sure if your questions will help.

Why do you ask op? Of course some people don't fight, and some do. Fights will be about all sorts of things. Some won't fight because everything is perfect, others won't because they're passive, others will accept things they don't like with a realistic view of the world. Some people have different definitions of what a fight is...

I'm sure the usual 'we never fight because we're mature and able to communicate - not had a bad word to say to each other in 45 years' posters will be along in a minute.

Bit of a wide question.

I think what underlies most fights couples have is mismatch of expectations, difficulty in day to day communication (so everything builds up until the top finally blows) and, eventually, lack of respect for and care about hurting the other. Additionally, so many couples try to hold their relationship together when really it’s run its course: so added to the above you have frustration and resentment between two people who simply don’t have the bond which loving and liking your partner instills between you, so arguments become frequent (as they become a point of principle that one or the other doesn’t want to back down over), cutting and often designed to cause hurt - and often over something which a couple who do like, love and respect each other would hash out in a quick conversation.

We don’t fight, but I think this is a) we care about and respect each other more than we want to be right, b) we’re both generally laid back people who don’t get angry or upset or combative over many things generally and c) frankly we don’t actually have very much to fight over: childfree, good income with no financial worries, similar standards of domestic cleanliness and both pitch in equally, matching sex drives, similar interests and social lives and expectations around that. I suspect those are the main things most couples argue about - see aforementioned mismatch of expectations - and I suspect that disagreeing with each other over those sorts of major life issues breeds resentment which spills over and causes arguments about other smaller stuff.

Why do I ask?
I'm just wondering if I have unrealistic expectations of how harmonious marriage can be.

Why would a harmonious relationship be an unrealistic expectation? Most people don’t expect to have fights when they disagree with their colleagues or friends and wouldn’t think that’s an unrealistic expectation. In all of those situations we’d expect to resolve a disagreement respectfully, taking time to listen to the opposing view, being listened to; and wouldn’t ever expect in those contexts to get away with saying “I was just so angry and upset that I had to shout and scream and swear at them” - which too many people seem to use as justification for acting that way with their partner. There’s no reason it should be seen as normal to fight regularly with your partner. Most couples will disagree with each other at points in their relationship, but this view that gets bandied around that relationships are hard work or that drama is normal / passionate are the incorrect ones.

Why would a harmonious relationship be an unrealistic expectation?
Because the more I talk to people o know, the less I see it happening.
That may be confirmation bias, or that divorcees and unhappily married folk flock together. I don't know. I was just curious what people fight about.

I don't fight.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where fights were a thing for a number of reasons. I won't tolerate raised voices, disrespect, name calling, childish comments...

That doesn't mean I never disagree with anyone but I talk, listen and resolve. If I were with someone who couldn't do that, well the relationship wouldn't last very long.

Are you thinking that your reasons for leaving aren’t that big when you look at the marriages around you and all the shit other people put up with?

@AnneLovesGilbert No. Divorce is the right thing to do for me, despite the collateral damage. I'm more thinking about any future relationship.

Maybe "fights" is the wrong word.
My PiL bicker regularly.
My SiL is divorced and IMHO bullies her newer husband.
It turns out my BiL is the only member of his family who isn't divorced and his father was an abusive husband,
I've just counted 7 friends that I've spoken to recently who are either divorced or seemed happily married but it turns out they have thought about divorce.
Another friend reached out with support last night and mentioned knowing two couples who are splitting up and from the outside, his he and his wife regularly seem to irritate each other..

Sure, I can think of people who don't seem to have conflict in their marriages, but when divorce ratings are increasing and you don't see what goes on behind closed doors, I just want to know that if I get into another relationship that my expectations are realistic.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Why would a harmonious relationship be an unrealistic expectation? Most people don’t expect to have fights when they disagree with their colleagues or friends and wouldn’t think that’s an unrealistic expectation. In all of those situations we’d expect to resolve a disagreement respectfully, taking time to listen to the opposing view, being listened to; and wouldn’t ever expect in those contexts to get away with saying “I was just so angry and upset that I had to shout and scream and swear at them” - which too many people seem to use as justification for acting that way with their partner. There’s no reason it should be seen as normal to fight regularly with your partner. Most couples will disagree with each other at points in their relationship, but this view that gets bandied around that relationships are hard work or that drama is normal / passionate are the incorrect ones.

Mostly This^ So essentially, a relationship with zero disagreements or conflict is unrealistic. But relationship with zero fights when you have a disagreement or conflict is realistic goal.

There’s a learning curve involved. You’re allowed to practice and occasionally fall short and have a civilised row now and then. DH and I have had fights when we were very young, newly married and very stressed (job/financial difficulties/bereavement/children). But these were rare and we always apologised and let it go. I mean one fight every three years or so. We also never name called or other toxic tactics like dragging up past things, so we may have fought but fought fair.

Now over twenty years later, we never fight because we are so very practiced at resolving disagreements and often if he thinks A is right decision, and I think B is right decision in talking things through we realise actually another way C is better than both A or B.