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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this worth ending it over?

16 replies

apushtoofar · 28/02/2022 11:52

I really am torn and can't quite tell if DH is a T**T of epic proportions but not really worth divorcing over or if this time it really is just worth cutting loses and moving on.

We have been together 17 years and married 15. Have no DC's together but DH has DS18 (lives with us) and DD22 (lives with her partner and 2DGS). I have DS22 (lives with his partner and DGS).

To avoid drip feeding - DH was vile a few years back - just massively changed, erratic behavior. Was vile to both myself and swung with DS to either bestie or vile depending on how he felt that day. Nearly divorced about 4 years ago as he was just so irrational and paranoid and was making our life hell. Day after an epic row my mom passed away suddenly. DH was supportive and obviously I was more in grief than worried about state of marriage so it just carried on.

After another rant 6 months later I made DH go docs and they were great. I gave examples of where I thought DH had had massive over reactions to minor incidents etc. He was diagnosed as having anxiety and placed on medication. This has been increased now 3 times.

So last week I came in from work and was on phone to my Dsis. My uncle had died in the morning. I wasn't close to him but my Dsis was so upset, it had triggered a lot of memories for her regarding losing our mom. I told Dh that I was on phone to Dsis and that my uncle had died.

He carried on laughing and joking with DSS in the room I was talking in. I got up and went into another room and they eventually followed me still really loudly laughing and joking. I ended the call and told DH that I was not happy and found that he was really insensitive. His answer was that he wasn't laughing about my uncle so he didn't see what the problem was.

I explained that I knew he wasn't laughing about that but that he should have still had a bit more sensitivity and it was inappropriate to be joking in the background when anyone was having a call regarding someone who had just died. He threw a massive strop at me and apologised sarcastically and dramatically. I told him he could shove his fake apology and just went and sat in another room for rest of night. Next day I had terrible migraine so ended up just letting it go.

Yesterday we had all the DC's and DGCs for dinner (we do this every week). I had taken my DS and his partner and DGS home and usually I do one drop and DH does the other. I did know footie was on but at 4.20. DSD usually gets dropped about 6.30 to get DGS into bed for about 7.30 (DGS has disabilities and takes a bit longer than just getting him changed and into bed).

Me and DSD went into kitchen about 6.30ish and said about them needing to go soon as DGS was getting really tired and irritable. I asked DH when he was taking them back and he just said, well footie is on and it looks like its going to XT and then pens. I said that clearly they couldn't wait that long. He told me I was crazy if I thought he was going to miss the footie and had such an attitude on him. I told him not to talk to me like a T**t and he told me to stop acting like one.

At this point I was embarrassed that he would talk to me like he was in front of DC's and DGC. I threated to turn the power off (would have made no diff as he was watching it on laptop). I went to shut the laptop screen, he physically pushed me away, in front of the kids and DGC - now it wasn't a pull on push me away but more swung his arm back to shove me away.

I told him he was being pathetic and that I couldn't believe he had done that and he said "suck my dick". At this point DSD asked him why he was talking to me like that and how old did he think he was. I was mortified. I am still so embarrassed and just can't believe that he thinks it was ok.

I dropped off DSD and DGS, went home and asked him if he really thought that his behaviour was ok both then and the week before. He told me that he had done nothing wrong and that I should have just offered to take them instead of bleating down his ear. He really thinks that this is me. I told him I didn't think we were compatible anymore and he agreed.

Usually we may have a row and I may say that I have had enough of him but things calm after a coupe of days. We don't row very often but I can't tell now if that is just because I don't confront too much and let things slide which tbf he probably does with me.

I just don't know now if I am being over dramatic because I am embarrassed. We are meant to be having DGS stay at the weekend (DH won't be able to have him unless I am there are doesn't really know his meds and he is non mobile and needs assistance even to drink) I don't want to punish DSD or DGS but I don't feel like it is a good environment for him to be in if his grandad can tell his grandma to suck his dick.

I don't really know what I want from the thread to be honest.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 28/02/2022 12:11

You don’t appear to respect or like each other much, which is an absolutely fine reason for divorce: he doesn’t have to be “a twat of epic proportions” to justify it, the marriage just isn’t particularly happy any more.

Did you consider relationship counselling when you almost divorced several years ago? Would it be worth it now? If nothing else, it can get a lot of feelings and differences out in the open and help you divorce more easily with less contention.

apushtoofar · 28/02/2022 12:25

No to be honest, I really don't like or respect him at the moment.

We didn't do counselling before as literally the day before my mom passed away he was leaving, calling me and my DS a pair of C*s because he left a pair of socks on the dining room table. I then had a phone call at 6am the next morning to say my mom had had a heart attack. Unfortunately she passed at 4 in the afternoon and that took over everything.

We did try counselling back in October as he got drunk with DS and they wanted to party until 4.00am, by 1.00am I had had enough of them blaring music etc. It caused a massive row as they just kept laughing at me and saying I was just crazy etc. He sulked at the session told the counsellor that he thought telling a bunch of strangers our problems was not going to save the marriage. Counsellor then had 2 week holiday and covid after that so we ended up not going back.

Can't get any in local area so that was about 1 hour to get there so that didn't help I don't think.

I love him really and when it isn't like this we are ok and get on great which is why I don't know if I am being dramatic this time. I am worried that this is not a great example that I am setting to the kids that it is ok to be like this in a relationship. It's the complete lack of respect in front of the kids that is hurting me and making me question f I should just go now.

OP posts:
Levithian · 28/02/2022 12:33

Agree with pp, you don't like one another and you both seem to be bickery and goady. Why live this way? It's not worth it.

RantyAunty · 28/02/2022 15:54

Is there anything to love about him?
He an abusive mean drunk.

You've been with him 17 years and all the kids are in their 20s. Surely they know how he is and have heard him as yours would have lived with him since they were small.

I don't see why they all need rides. Do none of the children drive?

It's up to you if you stay or leave.
If you can resign yourself to being treated like this, the rest of your days, then stay. No amount of rows or talking to him will turn him into a nice man. He knows what he's doing as he gets his own way.

If you'd rather not spend the rest of your days being treated badly, then leave.

Sally2791 · 28/02/2022 16:01

He sounds vile. Doesn’t matter that it’s infrequent, it’s who he is. There are better ways to spend the rest of your life.

GinGym · 28/02/2022 19:16

Sounds like the relationship has run its course. You expect him yo do things, he thinks you are a nag. No point flogging a dead horse. Best off apart from the sound of things

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/02/2022 19:20

Get rid op.
He is a class A twat.

Aprilx · 28/02/2022 20:26

Well I thought he sounded horrible with the behaviour whilst you were on the phone. I couldn’t really follow the next anecdote, but it sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. But overall you don’t seem to like each other, so never mind whose fault it was or who was worse or who started it, you just don’t seem to make each other happy.

AnotherSillawithanS · 28/02/2022 21:00

I think you were rude to threaten to turn the power off and then try to shut the laptop down and it went to shit from there. Bonkers.

cabansunset · 28/02/2022 21:06

You both sound awful, really nasty toxic to one another.

superlola · 28/02/2022 22:00

Not sure why quite a few responses here seem to be equating OP’s behaviour with that of her husband’s. To say ‘suck my dick’ (or to call her and her son c**ts) is massively disrespectful. I don’t care how anxious he is, that’s no excuse.

You sound like you do a lot for others OP, so go do something for yourself and ditch him. Easier said than done I know, but you deserve happiness. Good luck. 💐

Naughty1205 · 28/02/2022 22:07

How on earth are people saying the OP is at fault here? OP he sounds awful, perhaps it's the end of the road now.

StormyWindow · 28/02/2022 23:59

My DH would only ever speak to me like that once, wouldn't matter how much I loved him I could never un-see that level of contempt. It wouldn't even be dramatic to leave over this one occurrence but as the straw that broke the camel's back after numerous similar instances? No, not dramatic at all, you'd be mad to stay Flowers

WTF475878237NC · 01/03/2022 01:34

I agree with the PP saying to leave him. Name calling like this is so vile.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 01/03/2022 05:15

OP. does your husband actually support either of the teams that were playing (Liverpool and Chelsea?)? The rest of my family are avid supporters of one of those teams, and it appeared to have been a particularly special match to them.

The interactions with your husband sound like they have been very bad for quite a while now, but a doctor diagnosing your husband with anxiety, and treating him with ever increasing medication has made you feel that your husband has been coping at least a little better? You are in this situation, I am sitting by my bed at 2.00am, and I (obviously) have very little real insight into you, and your family's dynamics, but I have impressions, and a very tiny bit of knowledge about mental health conditions (and "they" say that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, which I think we all need to keep reminding ourselves about, especially if we are trying to give anyone advice on forums like this). So please, if you are reading this, and anyone else's kindly meant advice on here, take it as what it is trying to be, but not necessarily the correct knowledge or advice for you, your husband, and your family.

First of all my opinion is that medications for anxiety can only really help if they have either an overall dampening affect on one's emotions, or if they act as a placebo, in that they encourage the person they are being given to, to feel that they are being taken seriously, and cared about (which hopefully they are - placebos are often looked down on as being deceitful and harmful, and while you could, probably legitimately argue that they are deceitful, they are on many occasions, when used correctly, actually doing the person receiving them a lot of good, which can expand to those of that person's loved ones as well. Maybe that works because not only may the loved ones feel less helpless at being able to personally help their loved one get better, they may actually see a welcome improvement in their loved one).

I don't believe that tablets that can help increase one's serotonin levels, can be helpful if a person's only mental health problem is anxiety, unless it is as a placebo. My belief is that tablets to help one's serotonin uptake are mainly helpful for people with clinical depression, but then clinical depression, and anxiety, often do go hand-in-hand, and presumably your husband's GP won't discuss your husbands case with you unless your husband has given him permission. Do you know what tablets your husband is on OP?

Please bear with me as I mention Saturday's football match again. It does seem to me that on this occasion you actually started the rude, and indeed unfair interruption of the football match. You may be like me, and not understand the passion with which grown adults can love a sport where two teams of people are kicking a ball about, and if one team scores a goal, half of a football stadium and presumably a lot of that teams supporters at home, suddenly all roar in unison (and maybe jump up punching the air excitedly), whilst the other half groan, and maybe put their heads in their hands, and are genuinely miserable - none of that is acting, they really do feel that passionate about their team?

Others may feel just as tense and passionate about watching Formula 1, although there are usually less occasions for passionate outbursts, but an awful lot of behind the scenes reading up on everything to do with the sport, both during the season while it is running, and even during the smaller season when the races are not running. Maybe you feel passionate about watching tennis OP, especially Wimbledon, or horse racing on the flats (sorry but I think steeplechasing is extremely cruel, so I cannot equate that with a positive passion, as I passionately hate it)? Anyway, hopefully you see where I am coming from, you just don't interrupt someone who is engaged with their passion, unless it is an emergency situation.

You were quite capable of taking your DC or DSC and or the DGC home on that occasion, but presumably because you don't understand your husband's passion for football, you thought it was not only alright to interrupt him when he was at least enjoying watching something, I presume that you can understand someone enjoying something (which is OK too, if I am deeply involved in a film, and somebody interrupted me to insist I did something that they could perfectly well do themselves, I would be pretty pissed off too, and I can't think of any film that I am actually passionate about)?

So, you told your husband who was engrossed in his sporting passion that he was talking to you like a twat, and he said you were behaving like one (and sorry OP but I think you were behaving like a twat on that particular occasion), and you were embarrassed that he talked to you like that in front of the children and Grandchildren, were they not there a few seconds beforehand when you talked to him like that? If they were, then at the risk of sounding like a 7 year old, on this occasion, you started it. You then went on to threaten to stop him from continuing to watch the football, which not only will have embarrassed him greatly, because you were actually talking to him like he was a 7 year old who you had power over, but you were also already stopping him from enjoying the football by moaning at him, and threatening to pull the plug on it. I am sure that if I had been in his position that I would have been "earth swallow me up" embarrassed by you, and very angry that you were ruining my limited time enjoyment of my sport.

Of course he shouldn't have even accidently pushed you (I think that both legally and morally we are allowed to use enough reasonable force to stop someone potentially taking or damaging our property, but in a husband and wife situation that probably isn't reasonable). He definitely shouldn't have told you to suck his dick in front of children, but I do think I am inclined to give him some leeway over the latter, as by the time any of us get that angry, and feel that unfairly treated, most of us as humans can crack a little and say something that we wouldn't dream of saying normally. So I think your husband was mortified too, but you don't seem to think that matters either?

I think that you have been deeply unhappy in this relationship for a long time, I also think that your husband has been deeply unhappy in it for a long time too, which by no means excuses his previous behaviour towards you, as you have described it. Of course I have no idea whether either or both of your relationships have been so unhappy solely because you two have not been getting on well, or whether there are deeper reasons for both of you. I suspect that from what you have told us here, your husband's unhappiness probably goes back to way before you were on the scene, and quite likely to his childhood.

He seems to me, from this tiny picture that you have been able to describe to us, that he might hold some deep resentment, confusion, and possibly a very low self-esteem. I think that as well as (or maybe even instead of - but not immediately) your husband needs not just medication, but some counselling. That counselling probably needs to be serious therapy, ran by a highly qualified mental health clinician. I presume that unless you can afford to go private that this would have to be set up through your GP, and unfortunately I believe that the waiting lists are very long, and maybe without your husband appearing suicidal or psychotic he might even struggle to get on to a waiting list - I really hate the way this country does not cope with mental health issues, and I find it very frustrating when good people like the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge talk openly about mental health issues, say there is nothing to be embarrassed about if someone has them (of course there isn't), and say they should come forward for the help available to them; there is virtually NO mental health provisions available on the NHS in this country! It breaks my heart that the help isn't there, and what little can be found has to be fought for tooth and nail, by the very people who are usually far to vunerable to make that fight.

Back to what you should do now. As you are fully aware, that can only be your decision, and from your point of view, your happiness and well being are the important things here. You mention what sort of lessons are you teaching your children, they are all adults now, and if you think you have made some mistakes with, or in front of them, along the way (I certainly have with mine, one or two were very sadly massive, which I will always feel guilty for), then if you think you have the clarity to do so, you can talk to them about how you feel you should have acted, or reacted differently.

If you truly believe that staying with your husband is not right for any reason, then you must find as good a way as possible for you, to stop living with him. I do believe that you have both shown quite a lot of disrespect towards each other, but his towards you does seem to have been stronger, and has lasted longer, and even if the state of his mental health has been been a large contributing factor to his behaviour, you should only stay with him because you want to, because you believe that you can be happy in this relationship, because you believe it can be great again. You have both shown each other disrespect in front of the children, and for me that would not be the important deciding factor in this extremely important decision, as that is in the past and can't be changed, but it can be discussed. I think before you make any final decisions that it might be good if you can get some counselling for yourself, as you need to be sure that you are being honest with yourself first, and know what you really want. Good luck OP, I hope that you don't feel that I have been too harsh with you, that was certainly not my intention - you have been through a lot, and deserve to be happy 💐

ps. I have been writing this for nearly 3.25 hours now, so hopefully I haven't missed any posts from you, sorry if I have.

CousinKrispy · 01/03/2022 06:51

You say you feel love for him. Remember that love alone isn't enough. You also need respect and the ability to resolve disagreements in a constructive way.

He sounds like an insensitive arsehole frankly and MH issues are not an excuse for being an insensitive arsehole.

If I heard a loved one on the phone being informed that a family member had died, I'd be shocked and saddened and think about how to support them, not carry on as normal. That's so insensitive it's shocking.

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