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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Childs father controlling her and me advice please

16 replies

Jackson21 · 28/02/2022 09:28

Good morning, just wanted some advice please, hope this is the right place, apologies if this is long

Long story short, dd is nearly 12years old, me and dad separated when I was pregnant after a 3 year r/ship, he cheated with his doctors receptionist. He demanded dna as didnt believe dd was his.he's very controlling and demanding and emtionally abuse but never physical. He is very very good at twisting words and lying.

Anyway we have a court order (his idea) since dd was 6 years old that she goes to him every other friday to monday, and the alternate sunday to monday (return to school. Just lately he has started messaging me saying hes concerned about dd staying at friends on weekends and she spend her time with him, with him and the stepmum - they've been married 7 years. He told me yesterday I need to lose weight and I am a b''tch. This started because dd has non pupil day today so they were more than happy to have her til i finish work at 6pm. He then proceeded to send me a lot of texts saying I am useless and my mum who looks after all my kids for me to work is horrible and a witch.

Dd messaged me yesterday saying she's worried about dad and he calls people horrible names and he controls her. He won't let her walk to the shop on her own which is literally across the road from their house. She is also asking if she can not go on the alternate sunday so she can spend time with me and her sister.

Do you think i should look at changing the court order or getting legal advice? I work 22 hours a week so don't think I will get help with fees or anything which would be an issue.

OP posts:

Flatandhappy · 28/02/2022 09:45

The court order is now 6 years old, the older they are the harder they are to enforce as what may have been appropriate years ago is often not still the case as kids get older. At 12 her views would be considered too if it went back to court. I would take some legal advice tbh as this guy doesn’t sound like the kind of reasonable man you could sit down and have a discussion with.

Original poster

Jackson21 · 28/02/2022 10:08

Thank you, I want to do this but I do not have the funds to do so, whereas he does as he is on sick pay for PTSD. He is defiiantely not reasonable!

OP posts:

DenholmElliot · 28/02/2022 10:14

Let her stop going if she doesn't want to go. Let HIM take YOU to court - then your DD can say she just doesn't want to go as much as she used to and that will hopefully be the end of that. I really can't see a court telling a 13 year old (as she will be by then) that she has to see her Dad.

Original poster

Jackson21 · 28/02/2022 10:18

@DenholmElliot

Thanks shes actually 11, 12 in May, if i stop her going he will ring the police saying i've broke a court order - hes done it before

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2022 10:22

She is 12 now so she could probably just tell him to go to hell. If she can work up the nerve.

'There isn't a court in the world that would make her stay with an emotionally abusive bully. You'd be wise to leave her alone as she asked. Otherwise she'll tell everyone how you abuse her'.

Make it clear how his life will be damaged by court. Hopefully then he won't opt to take you back to it.

Also, you could show those texts to the police as thet wpuld probably qualify as harassment. He shouldn't be texting you anything like that.

This is a good age for you to start teaching your daughter about how to recognise abuse. Maybe both of you can do the freedom programme online (think it's 12 pounds).

The sooner she can break away from her bully of a dad the better.

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2022 10:27

If the police do come, all she has to do is say 'my dad is abusive and I don't want to be around him'.

Georgeskitchen · 28/02/2022 10:28

First of all keep all the texts he has sent. Speak to a solicitor about the best way forward with this. Don't engage with him about anything that doesn't involve your daughters care, and then only when you absolutely have to.
He sounds a nasty piece of work who shouldn't be around children

Original poster

Jackson21 · 28/02/2022 10:39

I think she is realsing what he is like but slowly, He has 5 other kids that live 3 hours away and they broke contact with him years ago. I have made contact with a solictor this morning for a free initial consultation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jackson21 · 28/02/2022 10:52

@Georgeskitchen

First of all keep all the texts he has sent. Speak to a solicitor about the best way forward with this. Don't engage with him about anything that doesn't involve your daughters care, and then only when you absolutely have to. He sounds a nasty piece of work who shouldn't be around children

I have all his texts and screenshots and the messages my daughter said. He doesn't deserve chidlren

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/02/2022 10:55

Ask the school for your DD to see the school counsellor and ask DD to also discuss her worries about seeing Dad with them. Independent validation will not harm her.

Yes seek a variation/be court order.

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2022 11:18

School counsellor is an excellent idea.

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2022 22:47

Breach of a court order is not a criminal matter unless it's an order with a power of arrest attached.

Dullardmullard · 01/03/2022 02:09

What did the police say as they can’t force them her to go and if they did it’s against her human rights

Let him take you to court now by the time that goes ahead your daughter will be in a stronger place to say no

LunaLights · 01/03/2022 03:01

Just wanted to say that if I am reading it correctly, I find it really sad that you don’t get to have a whole weekend with your DD. You deserve quality time with her yourself, so get that changed at the same time…

thenewduchessoflapland · 01/03/2022 03:39

Find out who her schools safe guarding led is and talk with them.They will them speak with your dd.The emotional abuse and coercion will be noted.Then contact social services and log a report with them.

All of the above documents the abuse.File a motion for custody with the court;you don't need a solicitor if you can't afford one.Because of your daughters age her opinions matter and cafcass will start to look into what's best for your dd.

Original poster

Jackson21 · 01/03/2022 07:33

@LunaLights

thank you, i now realise how controlling he was

OP posts:

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