Housework. Probably beating a dead horse, but...

[Mamatimesthree]

So the backstory: my bf and I have been together a few years. He is stepdad to my kids, he has none of his own. My kids spend time 50/50 with me or with their Dad. My kids are terrible for being messy. They will help but I have to tell them every step of what to do. They will destroy the house in a very short time. My bf will do the odd load of dishes if I ask, but if I ask for more, he will threaten to leave me and move out. I can't even vent or complain about being overwhelmed because he starts a fight then blames it on me. I quit my last job partially because of housework. I couldn't catch up. It made me so depressed I was suicidal last fall. Because of how overwhelming it has become. I decided to go back to school and pursue a career that makes me happy but I think I will be dropping out because of housework. I want to run away. I've been looking at camp jobs and basically abandoning everything and everyone because housework is destroying my life. And every time I tell my bf about this he starts a huge fight- but blames the fight on me. I'm done, just f*ing done.

The boyfriend sounds awful and terrible. I imagine your life would improve drastically when you get rid of a man who wants to live in your house and sleep with you but threatens to leave you if you ask him to hoover the front room.

How old are your kids that they destroy the house? I imagine that adds to your load too.

My bf will do the odd load of dishes if I ask, but if I ask for more, he will threaten to leave me and move out. I can't even vent or complain about being overwhelmed because he starts a fight then blames it on me.

Why on earth are you with someone who treats you like that? Do you want your kids to think that’s what a healthy relationship looks like?

Does he live with you? What happens when the kids aren’t there?

It's easily dealt with, kick him out. How old are you kids ? They need to start pulling their weight.

Your boyfriend is abusive and a dreadful role model for your children. He needs to leave.

Tbf to your bf - if I was living with someone who referred to me only as their GF, not partner, and whose kids regularly "destroyed" the house, and I was then expected to clean up after them, I'd probably leave.

How old are your children? Are there some SEN issues?

The thing is he's great with the kids, supportive of them. Spends time with them, likes to take them out to see new places and things. Their Dad turned incredibly physically abusive towards me (courts didn't care- gave him 50% custody). My kids used to do 4h and be outdoors a lot, now they just want to be in their rooms on devices (ages 13, 10) except my youngest (8) but she loves "crafts" which can be sooo messy. We made valentine's and it took her a week to clean the mess in our living room, even with me saying I'll help but not doing it for her. None of them notice anything. There can be garbage dropped on the floor and I'll leave it and watch, nobody will do anything about it. My bf was pretty much feral. His Mom just left him to go party and he was handed from relative to relative. Apparently he was always good at doing his chores when he was younger but his "love language" is providing. Which takes a lot of stress off in some ways, but also sucks because I don't want to feel stuck with all the chores. I'd rather us both work and pay a cleaner but I don't trust people or have many friends. This is why I made this account. He has been super supportive of school and I also joined a gym which he is supportive. But things are falling behind at home and if it doesn't stop I know I will abandon everything to attempt to "catch up" which never happens for some reason.

He’s not supportive of you if he threatens to leave when you ask him to do the dishes.

It's not his job to clean up after your children. Especially if they are as bad as you suggest. (NB, having been one of the children still blamed for stuff like this a full 25 years after I'd moved out of the place, it's not the kids' fault as much as the parent's).

However, you'd probably be happier if he left. Because you're expecting him to parent the kids and he doesn't want to. That won't change whether you leave employment/study or not.

Regardless of what his “love language” is, he should still be doing his fair share of the housework.

13, 10 & 8 is far, far too old to be ‘destroying’ the house, or leaving mess all over. But then if they’re watching their role model leave it all to mum then why would they think they need to help?

If his love language is providing maybe he can provide a clean environment. Or you could sit him down and say that since he can’t help you clean he’ll need to provide a cleaner.

However the threatening to leave you when you try to raise any issue is abusive. I think it’s relevant that you were in a very abusive relationship before - sometimes I think people jump out of the fire into the slightly less hot fire.

I've never really seen a male who takes charge of housework or does it without being nagged, so maybe it goes back to that... So how the heck do you changes things? Should I go on strike and say "last chance- figure it out". My ex is a complete asshole so if he finds out the house is a mess he will harrass and threaten me. Even though he didn't do much when I was with him other than dishes or a load of laundry here and there.
I am ok with doing all the cooking and major things mostly, just sick of doing everything except the odd load of dishes. And if I have the house clean, and go to work - I shouldn't come home to it being trashed. Even though it's mostly from my kids because my bf works a heck of a lot. I can't seem to find anything that will work other than nagging and threatening to completely turn off internet to get my kids to help every day they're home

What happens during the 50% of the time your children aren’t there?

Is his argument that your kids make significantly more mess than others? A week to clean up a craft activity sounds odd!

He shouldn't threaten to leave though. Is he feeling like a dogsbody and pushing back?

I catch up on housework, do deep clean, wash and put away all laundry. Try to "organize". We live in a small house but on property, so clutter is a huge factor. Drives me crazy. He works a lot, usually at least 10 hour days and sometimes he's away 2,3,5 days at a time for work. My kids will do dishes or simple stuff but I have to nag.
My ex has zero discipline or really anything to do with our kids. They go to their rooms at his house and do whatever they want and stay up as late as they want. Which puts so much more stress on us because every week they come back from their Dads and will not sleep till late. I spend a week trying to get them to sleep at a normal time, and the cycle repeats. My ex lives with his father now, who my kids say now does everything for my ex. The cooking, cleaning, lunches... absolutely everything. Like my kids come home and no matter how many times I say to put their shoes away in the shoe rack. They don't, until I say it several times. I'm so sick of nagging.

Can you have a family meeting?

Your kids are old enough to be involved in discussions about how to manage the house as a family.

Over dinner one day sit everyone down and discuss the issue and how everyone intends to come up with a solution

Like for your youngest it can be “crafts only on the table and she has to tidy them up before she goes to bed that day”

Start with small things and build it up if needed.

“Everyone has to put their shoes away when they come in”

Etc.

They will still need reminding but maybe some inclusion at the first stage will help.

@Mamatimesthree

I've never really seen a male who takes charge of housework or does it without being nagged, so maybe it goes back to that... So how the heck do you changes things? Should I go on strike and say "last chance- figure it out". My ex is a complete asshole so if he finds out the house is a mess he will harrass and threaten me. Even though he didn't do much when I was with him other than dishes or a load of laundry here and there. I am ok with doing all the cooking and major things mostly, just sick of doing everything except the odd load of dishes. And if I have the house clean, and go to work - I shouldn't come home to it being trashed. Even though it's mostly from my kids because my bf works a heck of a lot. I can't seem to find anything that will work other than nagging and threatening to completely turn off internet to get my kids to help every day they're home

But why is it your boyfriend's job to clean up after your children?

It doesn’t sound like he does any cleaning up, even when the children aren’t there.