TW - Miscarriage, Sexual Assault, Mental Health, Marriage Problems
This will be somewhat long but I really need some advice because I am truly about to lose my mind.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and spent the first 7 years TTC, with 6 miscarriages. I struggled with obesity and PCOS so it was already difficult. Our relationship has never been easy. While I’ve never confirmed infidelity, I’ve caught him lying and sneaking around giving rides to a co-worker that was saved in his phone as “Aunt Jada.” Then we dealt with his porn addiction… and not like casual viewing, it was an obsession where he would prefer it over me and when we would be intimate, he would coerce me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with and hurt me on more than one occasion. There were times he would encourage me to drink excessively so he could “get some” even though I was nowhere near sober enough to consent. Honestly I’ve stayed this long due to self esteem issues (obesity) and thinking no one else could ever love me. I watched my mom be miserable after my dad died and I didn’t want to be alone like that.
My husband’s family is an actual nightmare. His dad is an ex-marine who loves to threaten people and flies off the handle randomly for no reason, and ruined our wedding with one of his little episodes (we were two hours later getting started because of his tantrum and most everyone left). His new step-mother of 3 years literally does not know me at all and is a complete snake. His bio sister is a spoiled brat, bully, narcissist, and scripture-regurgitating hypocrite all rolled into one.
After my 3rd miscarriage, my grandmother who had custody of my 6-year old cousin passed away unexpectedly. She had been sick a couple of days and I felt like I needed to talk with my husband about what happen if something happened to her- he agreed we would take my cousin in to keep him out of foster care. My grandmother passed a few days later - I had been staying with her to care for her and my cousin and my husband stayed home to care for our dogs (we lived NEXT DOOR to his family). His family threw a F I T when he told him our plan for adopting my cousin. No good reason why, but they encouraged him to leave me “because he shouldn’t be responsible for caring for a child he didn’t create.” The DAY my grandmother died, I was laying in bed holding her body because I couldn’t let her go and when they finally took her from me, he whispered in my ear that he wanted a divorce. I was stunned. I didn’t tell a soul because I needed to make sure my grandmothers wishes were carried out and I still filed for emergency custody of my cousin. I don’t even know how we reconciled or when it happened, but we stayed together even though I was falling apart and growing a ton of resentment. How dumb I was. At one point, my husband said “we can still be friends, have sex, and hang on the weekends” but he just couldn’t commit to raising a child that wasn’t his.
After my 5th miscarriage and some therapy for our marriage trouble, I decided to have weight loss surgery to help with obesity and PCOS so I could hopefully get pregnant. I had the gastric sleeve, and also a very large and painful cyst removed from an ovary that previously was thought to be the start of ovarian cancer (it wasn’t thank goodness). A couple months after surgery, it’s Thanksgiving and his sister is acting like I’m shit on her shoe. Scoffs at me, rolls her eyes while I speak, the works. We start going around the table saying what we’re thankful for and I said “thankful for a new chance at starting a family.” She went next and said she was “thankful for most around the table except for one person that really pisses her off.” Everyone went quiet and I have actual ??? above my head because I’ve literally not had any kind of conversation with her in over a year but it was definitely directed at me. I asked her what was going on after his extended family left and she went OFF accusing me of treating her brother terribly, forcing him to adopt a child he didn’t want, using him for his money (I’ve ALWAYS made triple his salary, WTF) to pay for my unnecessary surgery. My husband sat quiet as I was humiliated in front of his parents and step siblings. I eventually walked out and up the street to our home since we were renting next door, and I packed my bags. I bought a house without anyone knowing because HELLO I make plenty of money without him. Moving week comes and I told my husband he could come or stay hooked on daddy’s tit but I wasn’t sticking around and if he decided to come, he better start choosing me for once in his damn life or he could get the hell out of MY house. We were okay for a few years and sometimes I felt better about us and I felt happy, and sometimes I felt like I hated him all over again. I put his family in their place when they started their crap again and it felt GOOD. They don’t come straight out with with their hatred of me anymore but they still do backhanded stuff like leave me out of family events inviting only my husband, make little comments that are obviously malicious but they act innocent, etc. I haven’t gone around them in over a year even for holidays and sometimes, as bad as it hurts, I sometimes am thankful I haven’t yet brought a child into this crap.
I went on to have a 6th miscarriage and then went two years with no sign of pregnancy after that. I was told I would never be able to conceive because even 150lb weight loss didn’t cure the PCOS. I have been numb and struggled with mental health ever since. At one point, I was hospitalized with psychosis because I literally thought I died or slipped into an alternate universe hell where I was being punished. I lost my actual mind. I was sneaking tiny bottles of liquor into work so I could mix my whiskey with my Coke Zero and no one would know, going days without eating because the surgery took away my hunger feeling and I was just…. numb. Then the resentment started catching up with me again. Now I don’t want my husband to touch me, I don’t want to hear his voice, his very presence embarrasses me. I am disgusted when we are intimate sometimes - sometimes I have found myself actually clenching my eyes shut just trying to get through the act.
I have been feeling off for the past couple of days so I took a pregnancy test and WTF I am pregnant. But this time….. I’m not happy about it. That numbness is wearing off and I feel trapped, hopeless, and have sat here crying and praying for God to not make me do this. I have cried all day because I realized with this test that I don’t want to have kids with my husband. I don’t want to be THAT kind of tied down to his family. I don’t want to have kids with a man who continues to like racy Instagram photos and buy hentai. I am embarrassed and disgusted and I truly feel like this is the worst thing that could happen right now. I feel a ton of guilt because I wanted a baby so bad for so long and now….. I don’t. Not with this person, not married into his family. I don’t want to bring a child into this world with the genetics of the people who kicked me repeatedly while I was down and at my lowest and hasn’t given two shits about me.
I don’t what to do. I feel awful for feeling this way towards a pregnancy that I wanted for so long and after 6 miscarriages. I am dreading this pregnancy and honestly….. I have been secretly hoping for another miscarriage. I couldn’t bare an abortion…. No judgment to those who have had one I just can’t personally do it. TBH, it’s probably religious trauma preventing me from going to Planned Parenthood tomorrow. But this pregnancy feels like a death sentence, it really feels that extreme.
Has anyone else ever felt like this? Made an appointment with my therapist but it will be a week before I can go and I’m going insane NOW. I just need to hear others experiences please.