Crippling hosting anxiety

[zigazigaahfuck]

Had brother and sister in law and their kids over for a casual lunch on Sunday. I spent all of the week thinking about what to serve and how it would go.

Saturday morning I got my hair done which took longer than I expected so I was stressed about getting everything done and then I had an argument with DP about him helping me move furniture. Our house is tiny and there's too much furniture in it (renting for a year) so it's impossible to have more than two people sit comfortably and sociably anywhere.

For some reason he just doesn't think about that stuff and didn't see a problem when there clearly was no way we could've had people sitting on the floor to eat lunch or with their backs to each other.

Anyway we had a furious argument and he sat and watched films while I cleaned the house top to bottom on Saturday night (while pregnant I might add), then on Sunday morning I prepared all the salads and finished the cleaning while he slept. He came downstairs at about 9.30 and helped me move the dining table and I tried not to cry getting annoyed with everything then suddenly it was 11.30 and they text to say they were almost here!

I just felt like I never got out of the anxiety stress state and didn't enjoy the day at all. Their kids were so energetic and loud and I barely even had a moment to spend quality time with them so feel bad about that now.

I couldn't engage properly despite trying to pre-prep as much as I could, I was just super stressed the entire time about our tiny living space, I can't even drink at the moment to relax so it just felt like a huge waste of money and energy. Exhausted and woke up at 4am to DP snoring contentedly beside me.

I just HATE hosting and think what is the point?!

It doesn't really sound like the issue is that you're anxious about hosting, it sounds like the issue is that you have an unhelpful and selfish husband.

Well, who invited them if you hate hosting in your small rental? I’m assuming not you, as you found it so stressful. If your DH invited them, he moves furniture, cooks and cleans, right?

Yes your husband does sound unhelpful
Did he invite them over? He should have been doing the majority of the work if he did

@Sfumato

Well, who invited them if you hate hosting in your small rental? I’m assuming not you, as you found it so stressful. If your DH invited them, he moves furniture, cooks and cleans, right?

It was actually me who suggested it, but I definitely underestimated the level of stress I'd feel. I've had his parents over before (invited by him) and I've done the cleaning then; he just doesn't seem to think about it but obviously I do probably because it reflects on me if the place is a state).

So I don't think it should be "whoever invites guests has to do the work", in my view it's a team effort as it's our house and our families should be considered one family now.

I told him this morning that I want to chat tonight about it because I found it overwhelmingly stressful and I don't want it to happen again.

I asked him whether he even thought about the fact I was cleaning the house on my own at 10pm on Saturday night while he watched films and he just said "I thought you had it all under control".

He does sound lazy, but I have to say I would have very little patience with someone who got this dramatically stressed about a ‘casual lunch’ with immediate family to the point of being stressed all week and cleaning the house top to bottom at 10 pm Saturday night. a lunch you initiated, while knowing you didn’t like hosting in your small temporary housing, and then complaining they didn’t enjoy it.

I get that it’s a pain having numerous people over if the space doesn’t work — we’re living on a building site with a tiny, makeshift kitchen for the foreseeable future, so we only really have people for lunch or dinner in summer when we can eat outside — but you did do the inviting, presumably because you wanted to see your brother and his family…?

Fair @Sfumato, I do think I was getting unnecessarily worked up about it. I am prone to anxiety and being pregnant hasn't helped. I was on sertraline before pregnancy which definitely helped but I came off it for pregnancy and yesterday was the first time I really felt it.

Personally, I just couldn't sit back and relax while my partner cleaned around me. We aren't clean freaks and so when we clean it has to be a proper event. I have said we need a fortnightly cleaner but he refuses and says he would rather do it himself but then he doesn't do it.

Yes you're probably right I can be a nightmare stress head but he is the total opposite and too laid back. It can be a good combo but it can also be a really shit combo.

Sounds like you have a lazy misogynist problem. He doesn't do housework because??? You wouldn't be as stressed I would guess if he was jointly responsible for the home and hosting. He clearly isn't and seems to think you're there for his convenience

He'll be useless when the baby's here too stating that you have it all under control.

Your DH does sound very unhelpful, but you shouldn't do these things if they stress you out so much. Casual lunch with close family shouldn't require getting your hair done or cleaning the house top to bottom or anywhere near so much prep for the food and the space. This line was very telling I thought -

Their kids were so energetic and loud and I barely even had a moment to spend quality time with them

But that's who they are - they are energetic and loud and that's who you spent time with. You're holding yourself - and the whole situation - up to some fantasy version of people and place and missing the point which is to spend time with each other being who you actually are. If that means your house isn't perfect, that's not only not a problem, it's who you are and that's good. There's nothing wrong with you or your home or your hair or your food. Just as the kids aren't able to transform into some ideal kids who you can spend quiet, rich and meaningful time with.

You spent time with them, let them spend time with you, as you are. Sure, tidy up a bit, put some oven pizzas in, but mainly try to be yourself and then at least you can feel present and like you've enjoyed each other's company.

The friend who made me see that being a parent was possible - in fact could be fun - was a very cool woman who had three kids and a great arty chaotic messy house with knickers drying on her radiators, books everywhere, guinea pig cage in the kitchen, and she casually chucked some crumpets in the toaster while we were chatting so that the DC wouldn't starve when they tumbled through mid-chase. I loved that vibe so much more than a show home standard with a perfect spread etc.

Your DH is another matter, but as far as things that you have control over, I'd say don't offer to host again unless you set some new rules for yourself and try to go through with a much lower-key hosting style. Even if the idea makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, it really can't be any less horrendous than the stress you describe and should be a step to feeling better - accepting yourself more and thinking about your guests and not what's going on inside your head trying to achieve too much.

Your husband is absolutely useless. What a selfish man child. This does not bode well at all for when you have your baby. The man you see now is the man you'll be stuck with.

Hosting at home esp in your situation is a pain in the butt. Meet people outside for the time being at a pub or similar. I gave up hosting years ago.

@Pinkdelight3 thanks for your thoughtful reply.

You're holding yourself - and the whole situation - up to some fantasy version of people and place and missing the point which is to spend time with each other being who you actually are

Yes, 100%. I wish I didn’t do this. I sincerely hope that when I’m a parent I might relax into messy chaos a bit more. I’m naturally a messy chaotic person and in many ways I don’t mind this — honestly I’m not some stepford wife with an immaculate house (not sure if my post gave this impression).

I don’t know what it is about people coming into my home. It just fills me with dread. I imagine them seeing layers of dust on things or finding a cat hair in their lunch and just feel so mortified!

Just a side note, I didn’t get my hair done for this event! It was just an appointment I had in the diary anyway, I have fairly regular highlights but this particular session took twice as long as usual due to the hairdresser being overbooked. I am neurotic but not that bad ;)

I think, in conclusion, as has been suggested a few times — I am going to avoid hosting from now on and just take everyone to the pub instead. This is what I originally had planned but I thought it would be cheaper if I hosted at home (I’m saving for a house deposit at the moment and have no spare cash).

The pub is a good idea, but you don't have to pay for other people in that case. That isn't an idea I'm familiar with at all. Just because you say "Let's all get together at the pub for lunch, it'd be lovely to see you and catch up" in no way means that you have to pay for it. You're not hosting. You're all responsible for your own meals in that scenario. You really need to lower your expectations of yourself.

"I'm taking you all out for lunch at the pub" would only happen for a special birthday or celebration, or a parent would do it for their grown up kids as a treat. But among peers - in-laws with kids - they're fully capable of covering their own costs.

Sounds like the pub is a good option and for a casual lunch people should be paying for themselves.

Re having people round, like PP I think you've gone to far too much trouble and set yourself up to feel stressed and disappointed. Your brother wants to see you, not a show home and cordon bleu cooking!

My oh is like this, I now no longer make any attempt of cleaning before his family come round. I've even started ordering take away as he makes no attempt to fed them either, even though he invites them round, I give up! Luckily doesn't happen to often!

Honestly I relate to this so much! I do think you should get the cleaner though, at least for the first few months post baby, so you're not worrying about cleaning as much.

Did your brother and SIL enjoy the lunch?