Ex moved in with new girlfriend and her children - that haven’t met my kids. He doesn’t care about our children. Fed up to defend his bad actions.

[NewTimesAhead]

Long time lurker - very messy long story….

Sorry about the long confusing blurb below. Maybe there is someone out there who has gone through something similar and can advice me how to deal with this.

Me and my ex moved from our home country to London 19 years ago due to his work. We then had a 6 month old baby and 2 more to follow (now 19, 18 & 15). He was traveling all the time and when in London always very busy with work commitments.
I took care of everything to do with the kids & household and worked alongside (earning more than him for a few years - even with all the family / home responsibility and chores).

We are now divorced (together 21 years - long and unpleasant separation) and his commitment to our children is so poor. He has just moved in with his girlfriend (a friend of mine...) and her children. I’m all fine with him moving on. I filed for divorce.
He rarely see our kids (3 times since December 2021).

Our kids hasn’t met his girlfriends children who he lives with and there is no spare room or any possibility for them to stay there once in while. The kids feel rejected, angry and confused. They are big enough to see the faults. He doesn’t make any effort to keep or build a relationship with them. He takes no responsibility nor try and listen to the kids. He has moved in to a new family setting (with 2 children same age and school years as our 2 youngest ones) and neglecting any of his parental responsibilities towards his own children.

He has basically moved in with his lockdown lover and her children (whom our children is yet to meet!) and is taking no responsibility for our kids. I’m the one providing for them and trying to keep things positive to ensure them that he does loves them and cares…. I have had enough.

Me and the kids are moving out of our family home since 10 years in 6 days, packing and sorting his (because he is to busy) - and my things - and working more than full time. I am so angry about his behaviour and non commitment. I’m also extremely tiered working and trying to pack and sort the house move. I’m exhausted, emotional and utterly deflated.

I am very excited to move though and so are the kids. It will be a great new adventure! I am normally happy and strong - just a bit unpleasantly stressed at the moment.

Not sure about the above content - but I have a core point (except for ranting about being exhausted and stressed):
Is it normal to move in with your girlfriend without having both your tribe of kids to have met before? I’m all for mixed and uncommon family setups, all for him moving on - but I think as a normal courtesy, the kids should have been introduced before him moving in there?

I just don’ get how you choose to have no relationship / contact with your kids - especially moving in and living an everyday life with someone else’s children… We live about 15 min drive from each other.

Just angry and fed up about having to defend his poor actions all the time. Maybe time to start not too...

Thank you for taking time to read this messy post. Very appreciated.

Hope you’re all well and looking forward to lighter days ahead!

xx

Your DC are nearly grown. They see how he is.

Cut him out of your life for good.

Well it's very shit of him but you can't do anything about it. I wouldn't bother defending him to his children it's not your job to smooth things over for him. Focus on you and your children and they're old enough to make their own opinions on his behaviour

Stop defending him to your kids. They are old enough to see the thrush for themselves. You risk making them feel that their own disappointment in him is not valid. (I was the teenager in a similar situation and felt a bit like my dm was gaslighting me by telling me my df cared about me when all his actions suggested he did not).

Two of your kids are adults. If they want to see him they can pick up the phone and sort it. The younger one is 15 so may need a bit more support but again is old enough.

Give them his phone number and make it clear they can call him or go and see him anytime. Don’t defend, stay neutral.

As for packing the house, why do you expect him to be helping if he no longer lives there? If there’s any of his stuff tell him he picks it up or it goes in the skip/to charity. Move on.

Well I don't think it would be normal for your children to meet your husband's girlfriends children and I'm not quite sure why you're fixated on this tbh.

He's being a shit father - again, I know why you're angry about this (my ex is the same), but really, the best thing to do is to focus on your relationship with your children and your life. They will need your support. Your exH is an adult, he's responsible for his own parenting decisions and your children will realise this and in the meantime you can build a really nice relationship with your children as they get older. Your H? his loss.

I don't know why you would defend his actions, they are what they are and your kids have formed their own opinions and feelings about the situation.

Honestly I get how tired and stressed you are but make a list of the things your going to prioritise in life, you, your kids, your new home. Your ex just doesn't deserve any of your precious energy.

You sound like you have been doing a brilliant job staying strong and positive for your children. Of course, you must be exhausted and deflated. How disappointing and deeply hurtful to see him behave this way towards his children.
I definitely wouldn’t defend him. I understand the desire to want to protect your children from what is happening. But you can’t protect them from this and the pain it will bring them to feel so cast aside.
Of course he could of introduced them to her children. He just didn’t want to.
It will confuse your children to hear you try and be positive about something that they are experiencing differently.

Good luck for the move.

I think you should tell them the fact s- that you are angry/ disappointed in how he behaves with regard to DCs. That you hope he ll be kinder soon. That you cant understand it. That you feel their relationship with him will improve over time but it is what it is.
By bullshitting about his horrid treatment of his DCs you could be shutting the DCs down and not letting them open up to you about their upset, disappointment and anger.
Get it out in the open. The DCs need honesty.

Don’t defend him. Listen to them. And empathise with them. Don’t let them learn that bad behaviour is excused because “family”.

Any damage to their relationship is caused by him and he can live with the consequences

Take a very big step back. You don’t have to explain or defend him, actually you’re probably doing more harm then good by doing so. Support them in accepting him for who he is not who you or they want him to be.

Some men have an incredibly easy time of ‘moving on’ without a backwards glance. My father and my DD’s dad to name are just two men who have benefited from society’s incredibly low expectations for fathers.

Really not sure why you’re defending him as your kids are old enough to understand what a shit he is. Stop defending him. New house - new life.

Stop defending him

Stop packing his stuff up - wtf?

Don't try to understand him or his actions, there's no point

Don't defend him and don't run him down either. Your children will be in the horrible position of realising their dad is a shit dad while also loving him and feeling disloyal when they have bad feelings about him. Acknowledge their feelings, let them be validated but don't bring 20 years of frustrated venting into it. The most damaging thing is for children to hear one parent running down the other.
Box up his stuff, either he collects or it's left out for the bin men.
Well done for being a fab mum.

Im in a similiar situation. Ex moved in with gf and her kids. My dcs had met them a couple of times but they dont get on and his gf tried to physically assault my dd. So now the gf has said they are not welcome at her house so he takes them to his dad(grandads)
I think its very common for men to put the new partners before their kids. In my ex's case she holds all the cards as he in lots of debt and he lives in her house rent free. I wish him dead every day.

You don't have children, you have two adults and a teenager. I can't imagine they'd honestly want to stay away from home anyway, especially if they hardly see their father.

Let it go. Its their decision now, not yours, as to whether or not they want to see him.

You're running yourself ragged trying to conjure up a relationship out of nowhere. Your ex clearly doesn't care about his own children - OF COURSE that's terribly hurtful and disappointing on every single level, but it's not your load to carry. You can put that down at the side of the road and walk away from it. Detach.

Stop defending him to the DCs - become neutral. Make sure they all have his number on their phones and leave it to them to arrange contact or not. Agreed your 15 yo might need a bit of help with this, but your older two do not.

Stop fretting about them meeting the other DCs. They're too old for blended families. While they might be extremely hurt by their father's actions, the other DCs are irrelevant. They never need to meet them, really.

Stop packing his stuff. You're not his wife any more! Text him and say 'I'm taking DCs out for dinner on X night so the house will be empty between 7 and 9pm. You are very welcome to come round and get your stuff then, I will meet you and let you in at 630. Otherwise, anything of yours will go to the tip.' Packing his shit isn't your job!

I'm sure emotions are high because you're leaving your former family home this week. That's probably resurfacing a lot of feelings that you thought maybe had gone away? But you got this, honestly you do. Time for the next chapter.

Maybe you have got “stuck” in the mindset of having to appear neutral to little children. Those days are gone your kids can form their own view and you can say what you want. Move on - he has.

Why are you packing his shit?! Just leave it! If he can't be bothered to come and get it that's his lookout!

Is it "normal" to move in with a new partner and her kids and not introduce the kids to each other? I don't know and if they're the same ages and at school together it might be hellishly awkward all round. I doubt her kids are thrilled about the situation.

Stop defending him to your children. I know your instinct is to try to protect them, but if you say "of course he loves you, he's just very busy" you're invalidating their feelings. Don't slag him off but use reflective language like "I can see you feel hurt". Don't tell them what their dad thinks and feels - just say you don't know, but that you love them very much. Try to make plans with them so they don't feel such a hole in their lives.

My sympathies, it's very hard right now but your kids are old enough to understand that you will always have their backs, and they won't forget how selfish their dad has been.

Yes the ex did this - although moved to another country to raise two kids that aren't his. DC have chosen not to have any contact with him for about 6 years now. He pays no maintenance. I stopped defending him because DC were old enough to understand.

They have his number and can contact him whenever they want.

Simply put, he is sticking his head in the sand, cares more about her then his children.

His loss.

Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I guess I just had a bit of a down moment yesterday and absolutely exhausted.

Just to make some things clear:

I do not expect him to help packing the house - but to sort and pack down a house we lived in for 10 years is a big task on my own, while juggling work at the same time.

I do not mind him moving in with his girlfriend - I just thinks it is weird how you just ignore your own kids and move in with a new family. I can see the hurt my kids go through and as a mother, off course I want them to be happy rather than feeling rejected.

I don't slag him off in front of my kids - have never done.

_

I guess its ok if my kids never meet his girlfriend's ones - I just think it is strange. As a mother, I would have liked my kids to meet my new partner's ones before making a decision to move in. But, totally open to suggestions above that that might not be everyones opinion.

It is a mix of emotions as well as very liberating and exciting to move and start a bit of a new chapter.

Thank you again for advices and comments!

Tbh OP at their ages I'd just leave it up to them and him to sort their relationship, and just comfort them if they need it.

He doesn't sound great and there is nothing you can do, but at their ages they are capable of calling/texting him to make plans to see each other. It doesn't need to be down to you.

I don't see any need for them to have a room there - if they want to meet up it can be during the day - and I'd leave it to them to arrange it if they want to see him. Try not to slag him off as it's important they don't look back and see you as the obstacle, let them have their own relationship with him (even if it's non-existent) and make their own minds up about what sort of a dad he is. You're getting involved in blended families etc and there's really no need - they're all to old for that. Good luck with the house move - send his stuff on and then start a lovely new home elsewhere with your own little family 💐

It is a massive ask to pack up the house. The kids can help massively and be ruthless with what you keep. We filled a small skip last time we moved, all that shite you'll think you'll need/repair/love again and never do.

Thank you again for your comments. I really appreciate it!

All kids are still depending on me - as living at home and studying (working part time as well), but financial support is still very much needed.

Regarding room for them @Billandben444 he can not meet up during the day (too busy). Fully aware they're old enough to make their own minds up - but as they are still living with me, I have some kind of responsible towards them and also get to pick up the pieces. I have no day off kids (which is fine) - therefore the "room" comment. Never slagged him off in public or in-front of the kids (yet). Thank you for your kind words!

@HollyBollyBooBoo I am being totally ruthless. Lots to charity but also a standing order at the dump (we still have to book slots to go there). So much *shite...

@MunchyMonsters so sorry to hear you have been through a similar thing. My ex have talked about leaving he country as well... Totally agree about the loss.

@MsTSwift I hear you. Thank you for taking time to comment.

@MrsBerthaRochester so sorry to hear your story - that sounds awful!
I really hope you can find a good solution.

@GlitteryGreen - it would be lovely to leave it up to them. But they are not really interested in getting in touch (because he has basically no contact with them) - but get frustrated sometimes, so I pick up the pieces of rejection and try to be neutral but honest.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation - I don't know why I'm packing his sh*t. It just needs to be done and knowing he wouldn't help, I kind of need to get the stuff out the house as I have a deadline when I need to be out.

Totally get its normal to move on (it was my choice to split). Thank you for your encouragement and wise comments. Very appreciated.

@MaChienEstUnDick THANK YOU! for your comment. You are so right in everything. Very much appreciated. Definitely time for next chapter.

@PerseverancePays I hear you. Thank you for lovely comment.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor you are probably 100% right here... Thank you for taking time to comment.

@RantyAunty - You are so right. Thank you

@Laserbird16 thank you for commenting - focus is very much on our new adventure.

@OldTinHat The two teens are still living with me, as is the "adult" child. I do appreciate your comments. Thank you!

@Rainbowqueeen you're totally right. Thank you for taking time to comment.

Sorry if I haven't got back to all of you who has commented. All comments, advice and encouragement is very helpful and appreciated. Thank you!