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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband behavior

19 replies

Em4891 · 27/02/2022 22:34

I can’t quite believe what my husband has said to me tonight infront of my children. In a nut shell he’s told me to fuck someone else and is sick of the children and the stress we all cause him.
He’s always at work and when he is at home wants nothing to do with them apart from have a go at them for the things they’ve done wrong .
I’m so depressed with it all now as it’s just continuing to escalate. He constantly put me down on a daily basis and I’m breaking 😢

OP posts:

UsuallyHappy43 · 27/02/2022 22:47

Oh I am so sorry. This is just awful for you and the children. Do you have a support network (parents, siblings or friends) who may be able to help you make a decision as to how to move forward? May I ask how old the children are and what kind of relationship they have with their Dad?

There is always two sides to a story and perhaps your husband is feeling the stress of financially supporting you and the children on his own? This of course, doesn't excuse his behaviour and cruel words but could be a reason behind them.

When the children are asleep try to talk with him about how he is feeling. Or if you think there is no hope then begin to make a plan to leave him or ask him to leave.

Best of luck to you. I hope you are able to move forward in the right way for you and the children.

User1412 · 27/02/2022 22:50

What a terrible thing to say. You say you’re at breaking point, do you have a support network ? Have you thought of leaving?

SandyY2K · 27/02/2022 22:51

That's awful.

I'm so sorry.

SandyY2K · 27/02/2022 22:54

I don't think you can come back from this, especially in front of the kids.

Are they his children?

I’m so depressed with it all now as it’s just continuing to escalate. He constantly put me down on a daily basis and I’m breaking

I think you would find it helpful to talk with a counsellor.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 23:53

What are your circumstances? Do you own or rent? Do you work?

What help do you need to end this?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 23:55

Everything he owns, to the kerb. Tell him to get the fuck out, right now, if that's how he feels. Call anyone and everyone close to you for support.

Original poster

Em4891 · 28/02/2022 00:04

I work 4 days a week
We have two children together 8 and 4 , his relationship with them is practically non existent. He does nothing with them at all it’s so sad.

I have tried promoting him so things with them but, never happens.

I can’t do anymore if I tried. I am suffering in a huge scale and haven’t felt this low in months x

OP posts:

Original poster

Em4891 · 28/02/2022 00:05

The house is mortgaged in joint name

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2022 00:17

See a solicitor as soon as humanly possible and learn about your options. He's got to go.

Weatherwithme · 28/02/2022 00:19

I’d take it as a sign he wants to leave but is too much of a coward to do it himself and so trying to force you to do it. That’s what it was with my ex. Tell him to go. You and the children will be happier / relieved. Your mental health will improve. The dc were upset but have since admitted they prefer living in a calm house where no one snaps at them all the time. My children were older and starting to copy behaviour they saw. I wish I had ended it before that happened. He clearly doesn’t enjoy being a parent.

D0lphine · 28/02/2022 00:21

What do you think about marriage coubselling OP?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/02/2022 00:43

@Aquamarine1029

See a solicitor as soon as humanly possible and learn about your options. He's got to go.

This. Especially as you said it's escalating so I would be worried about the abuse turning physical too.

Please call womens aid, see a solicitor and also speak to your GP.

Once you have a plan speak to your childrens' schools so they can support at their end too, even if just keeping an eye on them to see if they are upset or anxious at school when change is happening. They may also be able to help refer the kids to counselling if necessary.

Poor you. Please do make plans now to leave. This is no way to live and your children deserve more than to have this relationship dynamic as their blueprint for relationships, which they are more likely to replicate when they become adults the longer you stay with him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/02/2022 00:44

@D0lphine

What do you think about marriage coubselling OP?

In a nut shell he’s told me to fuck someone else and is sick of the children and the stress we all cause him. He’s always at work and when he is at home wants nothing to do with them apart from have a go at them for the things they’ve done wrong .

Marriage counselling with a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife and their kids regularly? Not a great shout is it?

Punching · 28/02/2022 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsDogLady · 28/02/2022 01:05

Em, this is terrible. Last spring you discovered that he had been leading a double life with his boss for 2 years. He actually told OW that you were divorced and staying in the home for the children. You wanted to separate but he wouldn’t leave the house, and said you and the children should move out.

This serial cheat has been a nasty piece of work since you moved in together after you came into some money. Your dad helped you buy your house and you used your money to pay off both your debts. He promised to be a supportive partner and father, but has been the total opposite. He treats all of you with contempt, emotionally abusing you and neglecting the children.

You’ve struggled to handle everything yourself for years because he’s never pulled his weight. Whenever you’ve asked for his support, he’s been hateful, including detailing your flaws, calling you a ‘slapper,’ and even claiming your son isn’t his child.

Em, you and your children are living in an abusive home. They are learning destructive lessons which will affect their self-esteem and future relationships.

Will his latest contemptuous outburst be the dealbreaker that propels you to finally end things?

MsDogLady · 28/02/2022 01:11

...emotionally abusing all of you and neglecting the children.

D0lphine · 28/02/2022 01:23

Marriage counselling with a man who is verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife and their kids regularly? Not a great shout is it?

There were lots of people saying LTB and I wanted to ask OP whether she had considered marriage counselling.

Lots of the time on here I think that women aren't ready to LTB and there are other suggestions that might not be the best option (in our opinion) but can still help the OP deal with the situation.

There also might be other factors OP has not mentioned that could be going on.

But ultimately yes I agree LTB is by far the best option in this scenario. It's just not always helpful to have a thread where every single poster says LTB LTB LTB.

There are other suggestions that can help OP work up to LTB. Like talking things through. Seeing what a counsellor says. Sometimes with marriage counselling, it's just kid of a mental tick box. So you can say to yourself "well, I tried" before you leave someone.

DoorWasAJar · 28/02/2022 01:28

So sorry OP, you and your DC deserve better than his abuse have you tried contacting Women’s Aid?

FlowerArranger · 28/02/2022 02:34

Forget about marriage counselling, @Em4891. That boat clearly sailed a long time ago.

What is stopping you from leaving? If what @MsDogLady wrote reflects your true situation, why did you stay?

Surely it's time to summon up courage and get out of this miserable marriage. As it is, your children are being damaged every single day they are exposed to their father's cruelty and neglect.

Read up at Wikivorce, get a book about divorce, gather all financial paperwork (including pensions, which can be more valuable than home equity), and see an experienced family solicitor.

Please don't let this situation continue

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