Really struggling here and think I need some frank objective opinions about my marriage. I don’t want to drip feed but there’s just too much to lay everything out. I’m basically feeling a lot of resentment but I don’t know if it’s justified. Been married 12 years and for the majority of it he had an Important Job, whereas after kids I worked p/t earning much less, and by default did the majority of childcare, school/nursery runs, housework cooking et etc. I’d never had a regular “day off” child free as my youngest started school just before the lockdowns. So I was always either working or had a child at home. The state of the house has always been a big conflict area as he doesn’t like clutter so I’ve always felt criticised for that. He makes a big deal of being oh so capable at all domestic stuff but actually it’s just half an hour of angry hoovering normally.
In the last few years our situation has changed completely in that he doesn’t work at all and I now work f/t. I feel that I still do the majority of household stuff although I know he would disagree. Last year he essentially left the home for an extended period to care of a very ill family member. It included over the school holidays for which I had not arranged any alternative childcare. I used all my annual leave and cobbled together a mixture of holiday clubs and just wfh with them (ages 5 and 8 so not really capable of amusing themselves) which was incredibly stressful. However it was not as stressful as what he was going through with his family member and I fully appreciate that objectively. He suffered a bereavement which affected him greatly and this is where I feel totally unreasonable in complaining at all but I feel like I’m dying inside and I constantly think about not living with him anymore. I feel like I’m turning into a bitter resentful small person. I know he went through an awful traumatic and scarring time and he’ll never be the same again. But our relationship was not great before this and I feel nothing has changed for me.
He gets up without fail every morning and does kids breakfast and school run, but after that is free to do his own thing, while I’m stuck working and then although he collects the kids they don’t really get any interaction as he’s always absorbed in his phone. I wfh but it’s never quiet anymore and I find it stressful. In the old world the kids were at childcare whenever I was working. Now they are shoved infront of YouTube and expect (rightly) my attention. Then generally I will need to figure out what’s for dinner. Sometimes he will cook but it’s oven food mainly. The default is me. Groceries are me. Laundry is me apart from his which I stopped years ago. We have a joint account but I’m the only one who puts anything in it. He not looking for work. He doesn’t think he even wants to. I raised looking to downsize if this is going to be the arrangement going forward and he was totally opposed and distressed by the idea.
I’ve just spent another weekend doing things with the kids on my own and just feeling like I can’t stand to go on like this. We bicker all the time. We have no physical relationship at all. I feel like I probably didn’t support him enough with all he’s been through with the bereavement and maybe I just couldn’t. Am I selfish for feeling so abandoned and resentful? I feel like I never get any time to myself and like I will go mad if I don’t get some peace. I’ve thought about leaving so many times in the past and never had the guts. I worried about being able to afford it. And worried about how the kids would cope. Now I could support myself, I think he would try to paint himself as the primary caregiver in order to stay in the house if I tried it. The kids think he is the absolute world and they have a very strong bond. They both struggled a lot when he was away and they couldn’t see much of him - especially my oldest’s behaviour.
I feel so sick even posting this and quite ashamed. Everyone thinks he’s so amazing and did an amazing selfless thing and that he couldn’t have done more for his loved one. Which is true of course and I expect I would have done the same in his position. Could counselling help me here? I know he wouldn’t do it but I don’t know what else to try or how to fix this and get some kind of peace.