Relationships

[Herdensherden]

Hi! Sorry this is long, bless you if you read it all and reply, I'm so grateful as I don't have a single person to talk to about this.

I've known my bf for 3 years now, we both have depression and have had a really unpleasant few years.
I am lost because I don't know if I'm a problem or whether it's just not compatible.
When things are good they're good, apart from wee things like him talking over me and being pretty opinionated (I feel so bad for saying that). He's smart and talented can be caring at times. But I feel like whenever I say something that is the slightest criticism, it turns into a night of silent treatment.

Tonight I got annoyed because he kept saying 'I dunno' to food suggestions I made, sounds so petty, but I ended up saying 'I'm tired of making all of the suggestions, you always just say you don't know, or' it's up to you'.

He got pretty upset, and didn't want to talk to me after. I would consider that quite normal bickering, both had a long day at work, I'll admit, I shouldn't have said that. But when we got home I tried to give him a hug so it wasn't prolonged, it seemed minor. But he just froze up as I hugged him and walked away, I said about 20 mins later 'I'm sorry, that wasn't necessary of me' but he just said 'okay'. Clearly still doesn't want to talk to me. This sounds so so small, but to me it feels like a mind game, or maybe I'm overthinking. This happens whenever I'm the slightest bit critical of him, or even if I point out his moods and arseyness.

There have been a few times where, to be honest, he's been so horrible to me, and has even been too drunk to remember, and I've tried to be calm and pretty much ignore how it's making me feel, just because I felt bad for what he was going through.

But there is no understanding when I might be kind of unreasonable, or even worse, when I do have a break down or self-harm. In fact, a few weeks ago he said that my self harming seemed intentional, like I was trying to hurt him. He made me feel so bad for something I already felt so bad for. I always think if my mum when I do that. I cried and cried because it was all just self inflicted, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was blackout drunk and couldn't remember that evening.

I can be a dick guys, of course I can, I can be overly emotional and I can sometimes leave things unsaid which isn't fair. But that's why, because I get stuck in a crazy field of guilt and confusion and forgetting what I even said! But I'll always apologise, but he never ever does. He says to stand by 'being a dick' because it's less confusing, but I find him confusing!

I guess what I'm wondering, is whether it sounds like I have a problem with not standing by my words/being a general doormat. Or whether this dude is genuinely manipulative, I have never questioned myself so much. I'm 20,i left collage 2 years ago and he's nearly 30! I think, how can this older guy be playing games with me, I still feel like I'm dealing with my childhood traumas!!

I just want to know, could it really be me who's the problem?

Tonight I got annoyed because he kept saying 'I dunno' to food suggestions I made, sounds so petty, but I ended up saying 'I'm tired of making all of the suggestions, you always just say you don't know, or' it's up to you'.

I wouldn't expect this of my junior aged kids. Are you JOKING?? He can't commit to food suggestions, I get that with my DH but he would NEVER react to me saying what you did the way yours has.

Why is it petty to pull him up on this? Leave and don't look back.

You’re not the problem

Also you were 17? When you got with a 27? Year old? Ask yourself why a man of almost 30 wanted a relationship with a (legally) child.

My dh and I say I don’t know to food suggestions quite regularly. It’s annoying but it’s not as if we’re doing it intentionally . One of us will then be the one who moans but it doesn’t turn into an argument and we don’t get offended.
Are you happy? You both have so much going on to deal with. You’re only 20, So you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Is this the relationship you want?
I completely understand that you both suffer from depression but you’ve been together for 3 years and you’ve said it’s been unpleasant for a few so are there many good times?

Please go and speak to a gp, get some support and find someone who will listen to you. He should never be accusing you of trying to hurt him when you’re going through something so painful. Please speak to your gp about self harming.

Think about what you’d like from your life, it can all turn around for the better. Maybe some time apart to focus on you might be for the best!

Just leave. He’s a manipulator and you don’t need it.
Do you honestly want this for the rest of your life.

I'm a problem or whether it's just not compatible

Compatibility is defined by neither person being 'a problem'.

So, if you're the problem, you are incompatible with the other person, because a compatible partner won't find you to be a problem.

There is no such situation where you are a problem, and the relationship is compatible.

I suggest you cut your losses and leave, you aren't compatible.

I dont know if I'm right in saying this but I bet your depression would improve if you left him!

The problem isn't you

Hey guys I'm so grateful for the comments. I feel trapped, I have a problem with gear of someone leaving me. Today we had a nice day at the pub, and I said I'd cook but he told me he really doesn't mind cooking. So he did, and I fell asleep. I woke up to a loud bang and asked him if he was okay/what happened and he ignored me. After I asked a few times he told me to fuck off and that he'd asked me to watch the food, I don't remember this so I must've been half asleep but apparently I said 'yaaas' (he kind of mocked me for this).

I told him to fuck off back and there was an exchange of silly words, but this is the main thing. He said I was a boring cunt, so i said it back to him. I later said 'I don't want you to cook for me if this is what it'll result in'. I did swear a lot, and called him a moody old man, I then said 'I'm always grateful when you cook, I'll cook tomorrow for myself, and for you aswell, to which he said I don't want it, it'll probably taste like shit.

I went quiet and cried, he just shook his head. But I'm so upset and confused now, he is denying it all. He is claiming that he said "I'm sorry for being a boring cunt", and that he meant the food would taste 'bitter' (from me being moody). He said I've forgotten all the horrible stuff I've said, and when I said like what, he said 'I'm not going into it now, it's not my fault you've forgot' and said stuff such as 'I'm not your parent, what do you want from me etc etc'

He grabbed his pillow and went to sleep on the couch, I said to him 'if you're cold come in here, you won't sleep well on there' he said 'if you tell me to fuck off I'm gonna take it literally', he said I told him to fuck off first but he 100% said it to me first.

Now I'm in bed crying, listening to him play his guitar from the other room. Why do I feel so heartbroken? I don't understand why all I want is a hug from him, when I'm sure he's hurting me so much.

I don't have any friends and I'm lost. I don't know how I'd just leave, I have no money and no home. I'm constantly convinced it was all just me who was the problem. I'm so lost and so upset. Its so hard to walk away from the only source of love I have. I'm so weak, I'm afraid this is me forever. I never thought this would be me. How do I leave this when I rely on it so hard. He hates me. He said he will go and do all of this for someone else.

God, you're 20. If you were 46 and had 3 children and a mortgage you should be leaving him but at 20 with no responsibilities or commitments..? Don't you want more for yourself than this?

Tell him to fuck off and mean it. Leave. Be on your own. Be awesome. Meet someone decent.

And yes, I agree with a PP. Why do you think a 27 year old man was interested in a 17 year old girl in the first place?

He's an immature, petulant manipulator.

He said he will go and do all of this for someone else.

All what? Name calling? Ignoring? Criticising? Behaving like a 3 year old?

Let him.

You're all spot on, it means a lot to hear this from some ladies, I can't let one guy suck the life out of me. I'll be a lot better alone I think, thank you so much ❤️

I think there is a reason as a grown man he chose to have a relationship with a teenager
Looks like he is emotionally still a whining petulant child.playing his guitar at 10:30pm would be enough for meYou have the precious gift of youth on your side. Get rid.

If you don't have DC together there is no point at all living with him. If you live on your own you can eat what you want.

FFS, please don't waste your youth on this absolute arsehole. Get out, by whatever means necessary. I promise you, your life will be 100% better without this demeaning prick in it.

He's manipulating and gas lighting you op. In other words he's being abusive.

Bless you. You're 20 with your whole life ahead of you. Do not stick with this man he's nasty and cruel and unpredictable. Can you go home to your parent's or grandparents or any family member? Talk to a GP about counselling for your depression and self harming. They will get you help.

This relationship has run its course. You both sound very unhappy and in addition he sounds abusive. The silent treatment and prolonged sulking is classed as emotional abuse. It also sounds like he's gaslightibg you. You're so young OP, you have your whole life ahead of you. Please get out of this relationship and before even thinking about starting another one access The Freedom Programme online and learn how to set some boundaries. Also, download the PDF version of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it will give you good insight into your partner's behaviour

Oh sweetheart, it’s really not you.

He is emotionally abusing you, I’m not surprised you feel so low. I promise you that if you leave, in a years time you will be so much happier.

This isn’t a life, you deserve so much more. Isn’t there anywhere at all you can go? If you speak to womens aid they will help you

I honestly could've written all of this. I've been in a relationship for 6 years with a 33yr old man and there's a 10 year age gap between us. I have untreated clinical depression and sometimes I feel if I left him it would cure it as it only came on badly after the 1yr mark of the relationship. I know deep down he's already left me because he's so distant but for some reason it's so hard to let go for some reason and I wish I knew why. He makes me feel like I'm the problem, always says it's me..

Please call Women's Aid. Do you have any opportunity for talking with a therapist? Or at least Google "fear, obligation, guilt" and read up everything you can. You need to change your mindset so you can have the confidence to leave.

The rest of your life can be so much happier without this man sucking your soul!

Leave.

He sounds manipulative and no one should be used as a punchbag for their emotions. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I think he knows, you know you feel vulnerable and will probably stay with him because you have nowhere to go… so he thinks he can get away with this kind of behaviour. It’s hard now but I would leave - I know it’s easy for me to say…

What would your future self tell you right now? I think you’ll be thanking yourself when you look back that you had the strength to leave. You deserve better. Good men are out there (they won’t be perfect). I’m one of the lucky you ones. You’ll know when you find a good match. Relationships are never easy, but there has to be respect and I don’t think he shows much respect towards you and it sound like you are really trying to make it work. He on the other hand, doesn’t seem to want to even try.

Try and find support groups. Build a network of friends that will help to build you up rather than bringing you down like your partner.