Potential affair

[CindyLouWho1]

Asking for a friend, but really!

Friend (let’s call her A) has been married for 18 years - she got married really young. She and her husband moved abroad and had 2 kids together. Her husband is nice enough but very dull and complacent. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything. While overseas A has met a man her age who has also been married 18 years. They are very similar and get on really well. A is actively avoiding being around this man on her own because she is afraid they will have to confront their obvious attraction to each other. She asked me if it is ever acceptable to have an affair if your husband has no interest in or enthusiasm for you , and I didn’t know what to say. On the one hand I feel sad that someone as pretty and funny and interesting is stuck with someone who doesn’t appreciate her, on the other I worry about her messing up her life. Thoughts?

She wouldn't just be messing up HER life - she could be messing up many. She needs to resolve things in her marriage one way or the other . Work on it or leave. Talk to her about what would happen to her kids, the other family etc if this happened and it was all discovered. Is this just a fun thing - she is wanting the attention - or is she looking for a new life with this man? No it is not acceptable.

Never acceptable IMO leave and move on by all means or work on marriage if it can be salvaged

That’s kind of what I was thinking too but I don’t know how to say it to her tactfully. Yes I think she just wants the attention rather than wanting to run off with the other guy.

It's not right to lie. That's the bottom line.

She sounds like she's kind of asking for your approbation. I would say look, let him flirt with you, get the glow, smile, but don't go any further. It really would be fair to your family. You would hurt people. Just enjoy a bit of attention but don't let it ever impact your security and that of your family.

I meant, of course, It really wouldN"T be fair to your family!!

Well, of COURSE she should have an affair!!

Her husband scoring low on the excite- o-meter exempts her from being loyal, honest, or displaying any sense of morality.

Nope. If she wants to be with someone else she needs to end her marriage first.

An affair will irreparably damage two families with children, and their extended families and destroy two innocent partners who don’t deserve any of it, no matter how ‘dull’ one of them is (allegedly). Are suicidal tendencies, PTSD, anxiety, and a 2-5 year healing time for the betrayed worth her having her little fun?

Of course she shouldn’t have an affair. She should carry on not engaging with him and let this limerance work it’s way out of her system.

If she’s unhappy enough, she should leave and pour her energies into her children who will be absolutely devastated. Forge a working relationship with her (ex) husband and move forward ON HER OWN.