I am 40 with 3 young DC. I have been with a 57yo for the last few years who has three grown up children of his own. During the weekdays he mostly stays (rent free) with me and DC in London (I own two flats in the same building and he stays in the other one at my request so my DCs do not get confused whether he is living with us) . and at the weekend he returns to host his DC and their partners at the family home in the West Midlands. We both work FT and are divorced.
It’s been an up and down relationship. Fun, as in he is a self sufficient mostly fun personality who enjoys what I enjoy and we have a great time together. Compared to some of the OLD experiences my friends are having I feel grateful. However, he had a lot of baggage from his divorce. He felt his exW used the DC against him, even though he actually now has a great relationship with them, but it was a strong feature of our first years together. I had my own emotional baggage too but was careful not to project it on to him, however during those early years he almost developed a paranoia that I was trying to separate him or alienate him from his DC or I was somehow part of the conspiracy to separate his family.
It was things like if I called or texted him while he was with his DC (even for something routine or even RESPONDING to something he had sent me originally) he would have a tone or language with me that would imply I was trespassing on his time with them. The mood could change in seconds eg, he could call me or initiate a chat over a weekend but be immediately defensive and start accusing me of being needy, or critical or trying to alienate him from his DC through me asking innocent simple questions or comments about his day or what time he has to go into work on monday or how everybody was. It was like running a gauntlet. If was down about something completely irrelevant to him (like work or a friend) he would say I must be “being moody” because he was with his DC. I wasn’t. I was just expecting what you would expect from a partner.
I have met his DC and they are very nice, independent young adults (from 21-29) who I get on with well, so no beef between them and I. They still feel quite torn between their parents, I think, but this is nothing to do with me. Both of us were divorced about two years before we met each other. When I have spent time with them together they mostly do their own thing and he cooks / cleans for them. They very often make plans to meet him in London when we are together during the week but they often pull out last minute, even if just meeting him alone.
He’s been on holiday with his DC for the past week which he paid for as a special treat post lockdown, and I have mostly left him alone during this time, knowing he wants to spend special time with them. Even more so because one of them is expecting his first DGP soon. I had an operation with a GA this week for a chronic condition and drafted in friends to pick me up from hospital and take me home etc as I did not want to make a fuss with him at all. He called me to check in after and all was good.
Today he called me after I whatsapped him about my Apple bill (a £400 purchase he made while staying here.) It descended really quickly into one of our old uncomfortable conversations where he seemed to twist my words about one subject (the bill) to imply I was being moody, or trying to spoil his time with his DCs. Or ruin his holiday. The narrative is how it always is when he spends time away with them - that he’s having some kind of sacred, special time as he is closer than anyone to his DCs and they don’t want to be disturbed and how the holiday has made him rethink his whole life. In fact, he just wishes he could go to a desert island and be with his DCs forever, not go back to work, not see anyone etc. He says things like “this has been so perfect, the only thing I have occasionally missed, is you.” It’s always so extreme and overegged. I am not sure what he thinks he has to prove.
when this happens, I am left feeling like shit, or as if I am some needy, pleading or moody jealous girlfriend when I am not. I have my own life but it always blindsides me.
I can’t seem to tell how much of this is his unconscious baggage or how much it’s just a way to for him to consciously fuck with me or put me on the back foot.
When we talk about it he apologises and says that he has baggage from his marriage, but it doesn’t change, it’s always there and his “go to” mechanism to not have to speak about other issues.
Is this familiar to any of you? What does it usually mean? Where does it come from?