Myself and DH both have mental health issues, and these are making it very difficult for us to support each other. I am struggling to work out the extent to which we should make allowances for these versus reading the signs that we would be better off separating.
We have an 8 month old DS and my own main issues are perinatal OCDs that appeared about halfway through the pregnancy. Contamination related mostly, and it means I have a number of 'rules' I need DH to follow and that I require him to wash his hands a lot and to do some of the cleaning tasks that I just can't do because they would cause me too much panic. I've tried seeking NHS help and have had therapy sessions but was told there was nothing more they could do for me if I won't consider medication. The sessions made me really depressed and wrote off full days for me, so I'm reluctant to look at private sessions due to both this and cost particularly in terms of where that would leave me if myself and DH do separate.
DH has depression and anger issues. It's been several years since he sought any help, and I really don't know how to deal with him. I panic about a lot of things due to my OCDs and get hysterical if he makes a mistake that triggers me. This will lead to him shouting, usually in front of our DS, and storming out of the house. He tells me that I'm unreasonable and ridiculous and that I'm incapable of looking after our son. He says that he's depressed because I constantly distract him from work and he can't cope with that, and that I can't complain about finding it tiring looking after a baby because he wishes he could be doing shared parental leave (we did discuss this and agreed because I'm breastfeeding it made sense for me to). I feel like it's not possible to be angry or upset about anything because whenever I voice it, he leaves. And of course, him leaving means he isn't helping with childcare in any way, and routinely means I have to cancel plans because he leaves just as we're due to go meet someone etc. He says it's because I'm going on and on or being too aggressive about it. I think he expects that whenever he does anything wrong he can say "sorry" and magically never have to talk about it again, and the other person will immediately be okay. At the moment I feel like I routinely need to plead with him to come home; say sorry for things I don't actually think I've done wrong just so that he calms down and is here to help, and I am exhausted from it and don't routinely get a "sorry" back. I love him, or at least the version of him that isn't angry and is loving towards me and DS. Having grown up without my parents together it was very important to me that DS had parents who were together and loved each other.
How do I know if this is worth saving? And if it is, how do I save it?