Me and ex-partner were childhood sweethearts, each other’s first everything.
We moved in together at 19 years old. Hindsight is a beautiful thing!
I never realised just how different we were, not only in our backgrounds, but our approach to life. I had a very settled, happy upbringing whereas he always had ‘mummy issues’ stemming from her leaving him and his sisters with their abusive dad. He was 8 years old at the time.
Fast forward a few years - I went to uni (not the one I wanted, he talked me out of moving out of the city, said we would drift apart) I graduated and got a graduate job, working FT (with a 2hour commute daily) he worked PT in retail, round the corner from our flat.
I did all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning, paid bills although he did contribute financially.
He was always very ‘loving’ cuddles and massages every night. I was young and energetic and knowing he was a homebody (as in NEVER wanting to go out) I made sure to fulfill my outside life - I went on fun days out with friends, took numerous short breaks and holidays with friends. I didn’t see it as abnormal, I rationalised it as personality differences and always held a vision in my mind of us enjoying life (outside of the flat) together in the future.
This never came, then I gave birth prematurely to our child and helping him with his chronic illness, took all of my time and energy.
DS1was 5 when my best friend told me in was in an emotionally abusive relationship..she worked for a DV charity and explained how is ‘quirks’ were actually abuse. At the time, I was still blind sighted. I didn’t believe her.
Isolating me from family and friends, guilt tripping me into being intimate with him when I really didn’t want to, he’d constantly tell me my memory was bad and to rely on his instead. We continued to be indoors all the time. If I tried to arrange family days out, there was always excuse as to why we couldn’t. We managed twice to go on local walks - he started arguments in front of strangers and I had to walk off.
Two weeks ago he physically assaulted me in front of our kids. I called the police, he was arrested then released with a caution (first arrest).
I took time to explain to the kids that because mummy and daddy have arguments and do not get on and the physical assault, we would no longer be living together. They were devastated.
Eldest child has a mobile phone. Ex has told him I had him falsely arrested (the children saw the assault themselves).
He has been calling and messaging me requesting to come back to ‘visit’ I’ve said no and have applied for a court injunction against him (the property is mine, in my name only).
He refused to see children, unless he can see them here. I’ve told him no, the court proceedings are set, I don’t think he believes I will go through with it. Still trying to convince me he’s done nothing.
He has lots of family in my area, I’m happy for him to see the kids just never at my place.
How do I deal with the children, who are caught in the middle? My youngest has been in tears everyday, begging me to let him back, promising he will never do it again.
It’s really daunting - because he as always home, it’s really hurting my youngest especially as he doesn’t understand.
I’ve asked the school to provide counselling (as they have that service available).
DC have no idea when they will see him again, they’ve never spent 2 weeks in their home without him.
Does anyone have any advice or experience with this?