Am I just settling for a ‘good’ man?

[TalkingEar]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 years now and the large majority of our relationship has been during COVID. During that time, there have been 2-3 wobbles (that’s what I refer to them as) on my side and I don’t know whether they’re totally normal or whether they’re red flags I’m totally ignoring.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before him. He was a twat and I’m hypersensitive to controlling behaviours, gaslighting, negging etc etc.

However my current boyfriend is that laid back he’s horizontal, to a fault 🤦🏻‍♀️… he’s selfish but not in a malicious way, but just doesn’t seem to think about others feelings and emotions etc. his family are very disconnected, this might be why he is the way he is. His Dad is a womaniser and his Mum is single since her divorce from him.

So when I have a wobble, I convince myself until near leaving point that we’re not compatible, he’s not fulfilling my emotional needs, we have different commonalities, we’re very chalk and cheese. Yet, never argue, get along day to day great, he loves my dog, my family like him.

So what the fuck is my problem? Am I picking out all of his flaws and running with them? Do I think the grass could be greener? Do we all have these invasive thoughts about our other halves or am I being mean?!

OP, I read your title and came on to say that 'settling' for a good man can actually be a wonderful thing. A life of kindness and care with your partner is hugely hugely valuable. I think we should be doing more to teach people that that is more sustainable and better in the long run than mad passion without kindness.

But then I read your post. He's not a good man if he is selfish (whatever his reasons). This will only get worse over time. I don't think you should settle fir this relationship.

doesn’t seem to think about others feelings and emotions

This is, as you put it, the fucking problem. Not sure how he’s a good man if that’s the case.

What’s he like if you’re ill or have bad news? Has your relationship been tested in any way?

To me, a good person has empathy and compassion. I don’t have invasive thought about DH who is a good man, cares deeply about me, our family, our friends etc.

Have you written a pros and cons list? I’m not joking. I think you’re selling yourself short but only you know what you’re looking for. Seriously considering ending it several times within 3 years suggests this might not be it.

Who is this good man you speak of? Because it's not your current partner. You've gone from one bad choice to another. Why? Are you desperate for a man? Can you not cope being single? End it with him and take a lot of time to learn about yourself before jumping into yet another dissatisfying relationship.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I do not think you should settle for this from him either. You’re selling yourself short.

Your boundaries, already skewed here by previous abuse, are being further got at by this man now, a man you describe here as selfish.
How long was it also between that relationship ending and this one, what is the longest period of time you’ve been single?. Love your own self for a change. Work out who you are and what you want from a relationship.

You may find that enrolling on the Freedom Programme useful if you have not already done this.

...umm...he isn't a good man though.

Good.people care about the needs of others. Especially their partner.

And what us the point in a partner that neglects your emotional needs?

The main point of a partner is having someone that is...well, your partner. That cares about you and the things you go through. That tries to make you feel supported.

He is a full grown man so he can't blame his parents for his behaviour. Infact, he isn't isn't bothering to - you are. Which is ridiculous!

Often we make excuses for shitty treatment, especially if we come from a background where there has been abuse. Buy we need to learn not to do this. He is responsible for his own behaviour. And he is morally obligated to give q shit about his gfs feelings - but he doesn't. So that's a fundamental issue wirh him. And not something you can or should try to fix.

If you wany company, get another dog.
Of you want a partner, it's clear this is not the man for you. Or anyone really.

You would be wise to practice telling yourself 'my feelings are valid. I have a right to them. If something is not good enough for me that it's not good enough full stop and i need to walk away'. Before dating again.

Hi OP,

like you I spent way too long with an abusive, narc twat. I had also been married to a cheating, lying, gaslighting arsehole twat for years before I'd had enough and divorced him.

I stayed single for awhile because I realized there must be something within me that was staying attracted to these losers. And I frankly didn't want drama in my life anymore. Maybe there was something about the drama that felt like excitement? I don't know, however, wanted things to change. I wanted calm, stability, honesty, laughter and fun with a genuine fella.

Do you think that perhaps you're maybe of the same frame of mind? That maybe his laidback-ness feels boring and foreign to you due to prior drama (disguised as excitement) being the norm?

I've been with a fella now for about 18 months and we're boring. We rarely go out at night, but we have common interests that we share with outdoor sport so we're out during the days. Dinner and movies at home at night. Early to bed, early to rise. I don't wonder about him disappearing on me. We laugh our bums off over nearly everything. He's kind. And it's drama free. And it's bliss! Most men are selfish most of the time, but it depends on the way they're selfish and whether you feel comfortable pulling them up on it. And how they react to that. A lot of them also have difficulty with the lovey emotions and expressing them. Look at the actions, that's always the tell all. My fella has never told me he loves me, but displays so so much love for me in loving actions. I've told him I love him and I'm ok with accepting his response being loving actions towards me for now. We were friends for 2 years prior to dating so had a base of that to move forward from.

I still feel the occasional wobble due to my past patterns, but I get over myself. And realize I'm making something out of nothing that's actually there.

If he's a good man to you, have common interests and he treats you well: I'd maybe look inside for past relationship patterns. This guy probably feels foreign to you because he doesn't give you drama.

Nothing wrong with "settling". It's what I did 35 years ago. My OH is a dead/cold fish, no "emotion" at all, never has been but he works hard, works around the house, helps with household chores, never forgets birthdays, anniversaries, never let me down in any way, but he's simply not wired for emotion.

Luckily I got the "excitement", bad-boy experiences before him, so I could tick the boxes of being sung to, songs written about me, bedroom antics, etc which is all good at the time, but invariable that kind of "emotional" man turns into a womanising psychopath pretty quickly.

I'd rather have the steadiness of a good man rather than the emotional roller coaster of the exciting ones.

Just because he's better than you ex doesn't make him good.

He's selfish as you said. He isn't what you need.

He's selfish...doesn't seem to think about others feelings and emotions

This sounds important to you, as it would to a lot of people in relationships. If this is how he behaves early on in your relationship, it'll only get worse. From my experience, men like this don't change for the better. He is showing you exactly who he is; believe him.

@Starseeking

He's selfish...doesn't seem to think about others feelings and emotions

This sounds important to you, as it would to a lot of people in relationships. If this is how he behaves early on in your relationship, it'll only get worse. From my experience, men like this don't change for the better. He is showing you exactly who he is; believe him.

Depends really on how/why he's "selfish". It could be due to him being on the spectrum. My OH comes across as selfish, but it's because he can't articulate his feelings rather than him not caring. He's just wired differently and doesn't understand emotions etc. Yet he never forgets special occasions, will always do things when I ask him to, etc., he just can't do the "touchy feely" stuff.

Why do you identify him as good? What does 'good' mean for you?