How to distance from ex/dv

[Badmm]

Hi I’m posting for advice from a previous thread. I’ve been split from my ex for 5 years there was dv in the past. Recently stupidly I have been seeing him a few times and he wants to reconcile but after other advice I’ve decided not to for risk of ss involvement.

My question is how do I explain to him I’m no longer interested in a way that he won’t escalate into a rage. We have a ds that he sees court ordered every weekend so need contact for that.

I’ve also realised i need help to understand what a healthy relationship is or could be as all I’ve known is dv in a relationship. Does anyone know if womens aid provides therapy etc or anything like recognising abuse before it becomes serious ? I think I need help with self esteem and childhood trauma of dv.

Thanks

There I'd a course online for like 12 quid called the freedom programme you can look into.

Well done for recognising you need to walk away from him. And address childhood trauma and patterns of codependecy.

It is likely he will rage whatever you do. But you need to know this - showing kindness, compromise or unsureness to his kind will of be taken as weakness. And they attack weakness.
So I suggest you end things firmly and clearly.

That being said, one attempt you could try (and I only suggest it as you have kids together qnd will need to maintain some contact) is -

'Upon consideration I dont think reconciling is wise for either of us. We ended things the first time for good reason so let's draw a line under it'

Using 'we' instead of I at first can work better as it makes it seem mutual. So less hurtful to his ego.

But if that doesn't work dont be slow to go straight to 'I'm just not interested in rekindeling'. You don't need to answer why. Just repeat 'I'm just not interested'. And maintain that. You don't want to give him opportunity to weedle his way back in.

Then you block him on everything bar your phone and never reply to anything in future unless it's about the child. Arrange drop offs in public places and never let him into your home or enter his again. And just walk away, hang up ect...any time he tries to discuss anything other than the child. Or any time he tries to manipulate. Be a rock he cannot get blood from. If you have family that can do pick ups and drop off, even better.

Oh amd it gies without saying, uf he ever makes threats or makes you feel at risk - call the police.

Ffs sorry, spelling xD

Can’t really help with what to say but you need to make sure it doesn’t happen again, he shouldn’t be coming into your house and you shouldn’t be going to his, only speak if it is regarding the child, then you won’t fall back into his trap. You need to put boundaries in place so it doesn’t happen again.