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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel?

14 replies

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 10:47

If you've been married for over 10 years and during that time your OH hasn't asked you on one date. His excuse is that we don't have childcare. However, I have one day off work in the week and he sometimes has two, depending on shifts. He could ask to have one of his days off the same day as me and we could do something together. I have mentioned this many times and he still hasn't done anything to change it. I am not going to mention it again and have had well more than enough.

How would you feel? What would you do?

He goes on about loving me and our family so much yet never does anything to change the way things are.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 27/02/2022 10:51

What happens when you organise something?

Original poster

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 10:52

I knew someone would say that. I've spent years organising things for our relationship and for our family. He hasn't done one thing

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/02/2022 10:53

Can’t you ask him to do something?

frozendaisy · 27/02/2022 10:56

Did it all change once you got married?

LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 11:00

Well you've put up with it for 10 years so you've set quite the precedent that you're okay to go along with it... good luck trying to get a change out of him now.

Original poster

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 11:07

I've asked him many times and am not asking him again.

I really don't understand how he goes mad saying he loves me so much yet never does anything to spend time together alone as a couple.

I was hoping to try to rekindle our marriage and keep the family together but it seems like a lost cause.

Somehow it's my fault and I am expecting too much?!

OP posts:

Original poster

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 11:11

Apparently he hasn't changed his day off because he said I don't love him.

There's a lot happened over the years and we have absolutely no physical or emotional connection.

He insists he loves me and blames me for his lack of effort.

I was trying to bring us back together by spending sometime alone as a couple just going out for the day, out for lunch, whatever really but it never happens.

OP posts:

nooschmoo · 27/02/2022 11:13

🙄 to lamplighter…not really helpful.

I was married to someone exactly like that OP, we were together for 15 years and in all those years, unless something benefitted him directly-and most family/date night type things didn’t really fit that criteria-the organising was left to me. At first I was happy to do it, then it started to irk me, then I realised this was translating to most aspects of our lives, then it pissed me off, and when our relationship went down the pan his complete and utter inability to even organise himself to either save the relationship or just end it was incredible. Even that decision and organisation of our separation/divorce was left to me. And I had spoken about it at length at various points during the time we were together-he swore he would change & never did.
So I suppose it depends-does it go across your whole relationship? Are most things down to you to organise, or is it just date nights? Are you prepared to carry on like this? Only you can say.
I’m now with someone who will happily organise anything to do with our lives, and whisks me off on date nights regularly. I only realise now that that’s a lot of mental load off me that I was carrying around before.

Original poster

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 11:13

He does practical things around the house but nothing for our relationship as a couple. He's been like that since we got married. Before we got married he made big efforts!

OP posts:

somanylies · 27/02/2022 11:19

Deeply upset and resentful and bitter is how I would feel. Like I didn't exist. Unseen and unheard. Only existing in terms of what I mean to him, not existing in myself.

OP he will not change. You will drive yourself mad thinking about why he is like this. You either accept he is like this and carry on living with him, or if you can't accept it (quite understandable) leave the marriage when you can.

It sucks. I feel for you. .

nooschmoo · 27/02/2022 11:19

Just read your updates…good luck, OP. I hope you come to right decision for yourself; it sounds like there are wider issues than date nights.

Original poster

petpeeves · 27/02/2022 11:21

Thanks @nooschmoo.

I've talked about it many times and just can't understand why he isn't even trying. Yet starts trying to shift the blame onto me saying I don't love him. Tbh I don't think I do anymore but was prepared to try to get it back. Despite him declaring undying love he still hasn't done just those simple things. I asked him why hasn't he changed his day off so we can spend come time together and he starred shouting saying not doesn't matter anymore because I don't love him and never have?! I used to be the most loving person and did so much for him and our family but I got fed up of trying.

He does lots of practical things around the house but that to me is totally separate to our relationship as a couple.

I never get an answer out of him why he hasn't taken the day off but still goes on about we can't go out together as we have no childcare.

He's gone mad a stropped off now and basically I'm left feeling like it's all my fault even though I'm wondering how?!

OP posts:

layladomino · 27/02/2022 13:38

If he can't have a grown up and calm conversation with you, then there's something wrong.

He probably knows he's in the wrong and he hasn't got a good reason for how he's been, so he's flounced off. He'll probably deflect and turn this in to you criticising him. When he returns, don't apoligise - you've done nothing wrong. But do ask him if he's now ready to have a calm, honest grown up conversation. Keep calm in the face of his shouting and stomping, so there's no mistake to him that he's the one acting unreasonably.

If you can get him to have the conversation, calmly point out all you've done to try to come closer as a couple. And all the times he's refused to engage. Ask him why.

If he won't have the conversation, then I can't see you have any future as a couple. And TBH you've said you aren't sure you love him anymore - so is it even worth trying?

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/02/2022 14:13

Honestly I'd cut your losses. Its a catch 22 isn't it..he thinks you don't love him.because you don't want to he near/around/intimate with him.

You won't want to be any of those things stuck in the house, doing the same old shit every day and not having the opportunity to do wht normal.couples do and go out. Do something. Have sex be part of being closer together and enjoying eachothers company nor just something one part of the married couple feels they have a right to as part of being married.

I understand completely what you mean about giving up trying. I did similar.

Its a waste of time. Don't waste another 14 years or whatever.

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