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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner with depression? Please read

16 replies

Babydust112 · 27/02/2022 07:24

Hi everyone, So I'm typing this after spending all night crying 😔 I'm tired not only physically but mentally too. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, at the beginning of our relationship it was filled with excitement, joy, happiness and I fell in love with him quickly! I have 4 children whom are to another man, he has 2 children of his own too. Long story short, for a few months now I have noticed he's changed, it first started when we went to a family's house and he got very drunk and started verbally being nasty to me for no reason. There was 2 other occasions after this very similar where he had a drink and became not very nice to me, I spoke with him about it and he apologised and said he was going through depression but he didn't want any doctors help. I tried so hard to tell him it's ok to need help, he hasn't listened and things just became worse. I get no love, affection, hugs, kisses, cuddles from him, I get nothing from him I feel completely lost because I love him so much but I feel like I've lost the guy I first met. We have sex very rarely and this really hurts because all I want to do is be close to him, then I feel guilty for wanting that because of what he's going through. This past week, he hasn't wanted to talk to me at all, I just feel invisible taking on every house chore on my own, whilst he ignores the fact I'm even here. He's been getting into bed and rolling over the other side, It hurts so much and I told him it's effecting me mentally and he said he just doesn't want to be near me or talk to me and he doesn't know why. It's the second night I've cried myself to sleep and I'm so sick of wiping away my tears and feeling like I have no one to talk to about this 😔 please girls, can I have some advice? I'm 25 and he's 28. I just feel so sad 😔 . X x

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 07:27

Get rid of this abusive loser. The man you see now is who he really is, and it's only going to get worse. Don't keep a man like this in your children's lives. Dump and block.

sandgrown · 27/02/2022 07:36

Run away. I met a man who suffered with depression. I thought love and support could “cure” him. He had medication but refused to engage with other coping strategies. He drank too much and would be verbally abusive. He got sacked and made no effort to get work for two years . He would agree to attend family events /holidays but spoilt them with his negative behaviour . There was no support from him for myself and our son. I stayed far too long and my son’s mental health was affected by his dad's constant negativity and put downs. Get out now.

litterbird · 27/02/2022 07:40

I know you love him OP but you fell in love with a man who was acting perfect. This is who he is now and forever. You must leave as soon as you can as your life will be what you are experiencing now and worse. You are young and can fall in love with someone lovely who will treat you well. Your partner has depression and refuses help, you are not his rehabilitation centre. Find someone who gives you the love you want .

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:41

Get rid of him.
If he cared about your relationship he would get medical help.

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:42

And if he threatens suicide if you leave, keep walking. He is not your responsibility.

AliceAbsolum · 27/02/2022 07:44

If he won't change he won't change. My DH can be like this at times and honestly it's awful and I'm a lot older than you and have been dealing with this shit for decades.

Get out now and have a calm and happy life with someone who can be a happy and supportive life partner

Whingasaurus · 27/02/2022 07:46

You fell in love with an act not a real man, you don't love the real man and he doesn't love you. You have no obligation to him shed him like a snake sheds it's skin.

UserError012345 · 27/02/2022 07:53

Depression isn't a reason to be a dick. He can still suffer and love you.

Here comes the brutal bit....you haven't known him very long, I hope you haven't moved in together. You are young to have 4 children (I presume these are young children). Your focus should be on them not chasing after a man that doesn't value you.

6 children are affected by your decisions.

He needs to go.

Fuuuuuckit · 27/02/2022 07:54

he said he just doesn't want to be near me or talk to me

Is it your house op? He needs to go. If he's not prepared to get any support for his MH (and yes, I do know that's a big step), and he knows how much his behaviour is affecting you, then he has to go.

You're 25. You're 18 months in, it really shouldn't be so hard at this stage. There is no way you can function properly in this relationship if his behaviour is so hurtful. You are not responsible for him. You ARE responsible for your own MH which will absolutely spiral if you continue to be with him - you've spent all last night crying about it. You ARE also responsible to your dc - no doubt you're feeling crap this morning, how will your parenting be compromised today after spending last night so upset about his awful treatment of you?

He's told you he doesn't want to be near you, or speak to you. Make it easy for him and tell him to go.

Bananalanacake · 27/02/2022 08:26

So much easier to get rid of if you don't live together. Tell him he needs time to deal with his depression.

NinaDefoe · 27/02/2022 08:29

Long story short, for a few months now I have noticed he's changed, it first started when we went to a family's house and he got very drunk and started verbally being nasty to me for no reason. There was 2 other occasions after this very similar where he had a drink and became not very nice to me, I spoke with him about it and he apologised and said he was going through depression but he didn't want any doctors help.

You’ve only been with him for a year and a half. Yes, it was great to begin with but he’s soon shown his true colours hasn’t he?
How long did he manage to keep the ‘nice guy’ act up for? A few months?

Get rid.

CobraChicken · 27/02/2022 08:44

Get rid.

He is not treating you with love or respect. Sounds like he was trying to be who he thought you wanted him to be to begin with, but couldn't keep up the effort long term and he reverted back to his natural personality once he stopped pretending.

This is not someone you want to end up with...

If you'd described someone who was unpleasant/mouthy while drunk once but then was full of remorse AND was willing to get help for his "depression" because of its impact on you, then my opinion would be that he deserved another chance, but he wasn't, and he doesn't.

StrictlySinging · 27/02/2022 08:57

Marriage vows/long term commitment come with the risk of being stuck in this sort of scenario and needing to find a way to deal / work through.

You haven’t made that commitment and are only 18 months in anyway so your priority needs to be you and your own children. Lighten the relationship or pause it and prioritise the needs of you and yours.

Puzzled why he is living with you too if he is not enhancing your life or at least neutral he needs to be elsewhere.

As for the drunken shittiness well frankly who needs that in their life.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 09:58

Being depressed doesn't mean it's OK to abuse other people. Is he abusive to everyone, or just you? (not OK either way)
He's choosing not to seek professional help for his depression (if that's what it is) and would rather make your life miserable instead.
You said I get no love, affection, hugs, kisses, cuddles from him, I get nothing from him I feel completely lost - why would you want to stay with this person?

LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 10:20

Sounds like you get very little from the relationship. End it. There is more to life than feeling this way. You are still relatively new in the relationship. He needs to sort himself out and that's not on you. You are not married, you have made no vows.

lisaandalan · 27/02/2022 22:56

Get rid, he's a weight around your neck, keep yourself busy with your children, you will soon forget him. X

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