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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I leave my marriage

13 replies

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 06:09

I’m so unhappy in my marriage. There is no fun and I think he’s emotionally abandoned me. I’m not sure he even sees me as a person anymore. There’s a huge disconnect. We’re at the point where he can say and do whatever he likes. There’s never any consequence. He can cold shoulder me for days. He can snap my head off. He can behave how he wants. I have no power/ability to raise anything or discuss anything with him because he will just shut me down. Nothing ever gets resolved and he never makes any effort to spend any time with me. He’s always all over the kids with laughs and big hugs but I get nothing. I’m just really bored of living in such a crap and toxic relationship. I don’t have many friends and my family are a long way away. I don’t know where to go or how to build my life up again. How did people leave a long marriage and then start up their life again. I’m lonely in my marriage so I might as well be lonely alone I guess

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 27/02/2022 06:27

Do you work op?
Is your job transferable to a location where you have support/family around?

He sounds absolutely awful, complete respect loss for you. It must be really hard, but you’ve got to start with ‘what do I want?’

What do you want out of life op?

Original poster

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 07:05

My job is transferable to somewhere fairly close to family but how does that work with school aged kids? I’d love to move closer to them but surely I’m not allowed to do that? I have to stay here until they’re grown up? Another 10 years!

OP posts:

Original poster

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 07:06

I want to be in control of my own home. I want to be out of all of this stress and constant worry. I want my kids to see me as being someone that the other adult in the house engages with. I want some power in my own life

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:09

Firstly, do you have your wage and any child benefits paid into your own account ?
Do you have any joint savings ?
Do you own your house ?
Do you both have a private pension ?

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:11

@needingpeace

This absolutely resonates with me. I also want to be in control of my own home. I also want some power in my own life.

Original poster

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 07:12

I have my own wages but I don’t earn much. Trying to change that by applying for other jobs. Own the house. Yea pension but not many years. Why is the pension important? I can’t really think about things like that - I just want to know how to leave and rebuild my life

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:18

These are questions your solicitor will ask, so you need to know.
The next step is to contact a family solicitor to find out what you can expect. Some will give you a free first chat so ring round.
I found talking to one very empowering.

nicesausages · 27/02/2022 07:32

This won't get better and I think you know it. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. You need to make your plan (discreetly) to separate. Can you stay in the house and he leaves?

Original poster

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 09:51

The house is too big and expensive (bills) for me to afford alone

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 09:56

You leave by seeing a solicitor and initiating divorce proceedings.

Learn the grey rock technique. Once you live as separated within the same house you can see if you are eligible for benefits as a single parent provided the child benefit is in your name.

Means you don't do anything for each other no shopping or cooking etc.

Original poster

needingpeace · 27/02/2022 10:53

Do people do that? Live separately within the same house? It’s excruciating. Is it easier than moving out? How do people do this and keep sane.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 11:06

Because it's not forever and you are already living in an awful atmosphere. Many people don't have/don't think they have the choice. Can't/won't move out with their DC.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 13:42

You do have some power. You don't have to live like this. Go and see a solicitor and find out more about where you would stand financially, and what the process is. You'll likely feel better just having taken that step. You don't have to proceed immediately if you don't want to. But you'll have more information available to you.

Being single is 1000000 better than being unhappily married. Just imagine - having your own home, you and DC, a happy and loving place. Noone ignoring you or cold-shouldering you or treating you like rubbish. And it is achievable. One step at a time.

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