8week PP - annoyed at DH

[LooopyLou30x]

JUst looking for reassurance really. The past few weeks I’ve really lost my rag with DH and I feel guilty but can’t stop it.

I feel like he’s so hard on me and I feel early days after having our baby he didn’t really understand the magnitude of what I’d just done. I had a c section to bring our baby into the world and I just feel like I haven’t been appreciated.

I was a complete d*ckhead and had everyone round first week when I wasn’t ready and catered to them made them cups of teas, got them snacks and didn’t sit down while they fawned over my perfect baby.

I feel anger I did this as I feel like I wasted those days recovering with my baby and tried to move too fast and now I regret it as I feel I didn’t get to soak up those early days and my recovery now has prolonged due to trying to cater to bloody visitors.

DH has been annoyed saying I won’t let him do anything, I keep taking over things. Which my mother and auntie have pointed out but it’s so hard I don’t mean to do this but I just feel the need to be the one looking after our baby - but then I’m exhausted and feel resentment that he gets rest?

Is this normal? I love him but I just feel so sad and drained the past 2 weeks and that he’s constantly annoyed with me or he’s being hard on me. Is it just hormones making me feel like a victim?!

Not sure if this is the right thread sorry just as it was about me and DH I put it under relationships

It's really fucking hard with a newborn. Your hormones are everywhere, usually expectations are completely at odds to reality, and you're getting no sleep. I imagine it's not unusual to feel irritated by our partners, and I certainly felt some resentment towards mine for many reasons, including stuff that wasn't his fault. So don't beat yourself up about that.

But do try to see yourselves as partners in this. He is asking you to let him be involved so let him share the load. He's not your competition.

Ps you weren't a dickhead inviting people round. Sounds like you just didn't really know what to expect, and feelings can change in an instant after you become a mother (I forgot to say congratulations!). It happened, you didn't enjoy it and your regret it. There isn't any benefit to you or anyone else feeling guilt/regret and letting it spoil future time with your baby. If you can, let it go, and focus on the present.

It's normal to want to direct what happens to/with your baby. People might encourage you to chill a bit and let the dad help out.

It's normal to be angry with the baby's father - my theory is that nature dictates if you're furious with him you might avoid sex and so not conceive again immediately!

You spent your early days showing off your great work ( congratulations, by the way) and now the fuss has died down it's normal to want to take yourself off to bed with your baby to rest and enjoy each other's company.

It's also normal for your world to be upside down eight weeks pp. And to be wrecked after a major operation.

Don't be harsh on yourself, we all do what we can.

Op I hear you, I have a dh who is massively supportive ( actually takes our newborn dd into spare room with him so I get some sleep at night) I still manage to hate him at least once a week! There is still some meltdown on my side. We regularly snipe at each other. This is our third and we recognise the pattern of ... sleep deprivation! You also don’t have any real time as a couple to cuddle, talk, be intimate, relax and laugh together, there’s a demanding little person on your case 24/7. It does impact your communication. However, when you realise why it does help. We are at the point that we start laughing sometimes when we snipe at each other because we realise how we hear everything as an attack, when the other person is just stating something innocently.
I also had a c section and said a big no to any visitors for two weeks , it’s painful and a struggle for the first week at least isn’t it? However, when I was a first time mum we drove hours to see people. I can’t believe I did all that. I think I was trying to prove I was Wonder Woman mum or something. I don’t bother doing that Wonder Woman show anymore.
Talk to your Dh, tell him you might lose your rag but it’s not meant and you’ll work on it, and please please let him share the care of baby! You are both new to it, he can learn it just as well as you. My dh is better than me now, he’s so chilled with a newborn. Our dd was screaming tonight with me and within five minutes she was calm with him.
You need to work as a team for your health and sanity and to be a better mum because you’re not running on empty.
Ps it really will get better ( I never believed anyone who told me this but it’s true!)

Thank you everyone I really needed to hear this after we argued yet again.

I think I feel a bit down as the tiny newborn stage seems to have flown by and I didn’t soak up those early moments - I in the words of @Cocobay I thought I was Wonder Woman!

I mean any future children I hopefully have I know I’m being strict on visitors and deciding when they can come. I felt quite pressured for everyone to meet my baby and now they don’t bother really which is usually what happens with a newborn but I wish I would’ve paced it

I also just feel quite angry that DH didn’t seem to understand what I went through and because I seemed fine (I had no choice but to be) that I was. I was vulnerable and needed him

are you angry with your husband or angry with yourself? Seems like it’s both tbh.

The best bit of advice I received from my MIL was if somebody offers to help, let them, it gives you a chance to recover, if the baby is asleep give yourself some time to sit down and do nothing.

I think Comtesse has it right, you are angry with yourself and taking it out on your husband.

Learn from what you're cross about and don't waste any more time or energy being angry about the first eight weeks not being "perfect", whatever that means. The first few weeks with your first born are just getting through it, in my experience, there isn't anything to "soak up" - they are a bit of a grind, I think! Your baby is going to be here, touch wood, for the rest of your life now, and the first 8 weeks are such a tiny part of their life.

It is natural to get tired and emotional and hormonal, but try to remember that, both of you, cut each other some slack. Remember that your husband can't read your mind.

Let him in, you will be glad you did when you want a break later and know your husband is as confident with the baby/toddler /child as you are - he can only get that confidence if you let him get the experience. Also remember that you don't have to do things exactly the same way as each other to achieve the same result and just because you are mum, doesn't mean that dad has to do everything "your way".

Remember this is your DH's baby as much as it's yours. So many threads on here mention that DH doesn't see childcare as his job. Your DH wants to do his bit (you are a partnership here) but you're stopping him. This isn't good for you short term (it stops you getting a rest) or long term (he may start to see childcare as your job - after all, that's what you've told him). Plus, it's good for your baby to bond with both parents.

I think you need to give yourself and your husband a break. You have just been through something massive (so has he.) It almost seems like you are angry at yourself for having visitors and ‘missing’ some moments with your baby so are making up for it by wanting to do everything now.

This is understandable, but not very fair to your husband. He probably feels like he is missing things now in the same way that you do/did. You are still adjusting and recovering, try to remember that it’s his baby too and he has the right to do things, let him and let yourself rest so you can both be at your best for yourselves and your new child.

Make some time today to open up to your dh op. Sometimes my internal dialogue convinces me my dh is unreasonable, not understanding etc but as soon as I hear his side I sometimes (often!) completely change my mind. It’s easy to see things our way and not appreciate the feelings or thought process of someone else.
Sometimes, my dh apologises and admits he didn’t see my point of view. We don’t hold any resentment towards each other because we talk constantly.
That may be 5 mins in the kitchen or 20 mins last night doing baby handover ! I was telling him some worries I had and he came up with some really good ideas I hadn’t thought of and now I have a way forward on what to do. Talk openly more than you ever have before , don’t shut down the communication, increase it
Ps I think hardly anyone remembers the newborn stage, it’s a blur and just about survival ! so don’t feel bad. Try to enjoy baby together and marvel at all the great stages ahead like sitting up, laughing, walking, talking and all the bits in between

He has been hard on you?

From what you describe, he has simply tried to help and be involved with his child, but you are restricting that.

You wrongly made the decision to allow visitors - which seems an entirely separate issue - and your frustration with that has interwoven with that you feel towards your partner.

I can't see what he has done wrong at all here.

I think we all do it to an extent.

I didn't stop my (now ex) husband from helping but I also had a c section and for the first midwife visit had brewed fresh coffee and made flapjacks and shortbread. The house was immaculate!

I was so desperate not to been seen as failing or inadequate or unable to cope that I went competely overboard.

Speak to your partner and explain how you feel. He hasn't actually done anything wrong by the sounds of it. The first few weeks are bonkers. Both of mine spent their first couple of weeks in SCBU so there was no early newborn snuggling days. But you you can definitely do it now. It didn't have a lasting impact.