I just don't want sex and he's getting angry...

[tearful]

That says it all really. The kids are 2, 4 and 6 and I just don't feel sexy. We can't talk about it and he is now taking it v personally. Whenever he suggests it I say no. Too tired or don't feel sexy or whatever. How do we deal wtih this - how do I get him to understand?

please help me out here - i can't be the only one...

tearful, some questions spring to my mind - I think ALL of us have felt like this at some point since we became mothers, I certainly have.
Why don't you feel sexy (you don't have to answer that on here if you don't want to)

• because you feel you're not as fit/trim as you were?
• because he isn't either? Men "let themselves go" too, don't they
• because you feel your partner's needs are just another person badgering you when you just want to be left alone?
• because you find it hard to relax and enjoy sex for worrying that the kids will wake up/interrupt etc
• because you are completely knackered and just want some sleep
• because you don't feel you love him anymore

It is very easy to slip into a pattern of never showing each other any tenderness or warmth - I've been there. Many, many men feel happier expressing love through sex, yeah right, but it is a perspective that women have to deal with, even if they find it baffling.
I think you do need to sit down and talk this through with him. You need to put all this across to him, but I do think you also need to get him to talk about his feelings too. I can see why he is taking it personally, to be honest.
Is there any chance at all someone could babysit while you went out to the pub, or even...away to a hotel for the night? I know it all sounds impossible to achieve when you are so taken up with three small children, but dh and I did something like this a while back and it really helped us remember how we ended up with two children in the first place, and why we loved each other.
If you do feel you have a future with your partner, the effort is worth making.

Excellent advice Marina. I would like to add more, but I'm not sure I can, other than to say 'I know how it feels, tearful'. I am only just coming out of my 'no sex please' phase, after 2 years. Mine was all connected to my newly negative body image, post pregnancy & birth.

I agree with Marina and NdP. I am still in my no sex phase after more than 2 years, and can't see it ending yet. Down to same things NdP mentions, plus not being able to come to terms with how my life has changed, but dh's hasn't too much.

I spent a long time there myself for various reasons until I finally acknowledged that it was really, really upsetting dh emotionally. We still find it hard to make time for each other but are living proof you can find your way back in from Siberia .
It's such a very hard part of becoming a mother, I think. Huge hugs to anyone grappling with this problem.

Thank you both. It's all actually very complicated. My self esteem is low, and that's basically because things haven't been very easy for us - well for him with his business and as a result, for me. For the past couple of years (we haven't had a holiday in four)our lives have been ruled by his stress and bad temper. It is only recently that he has even felt interested in getting intimate again. But I and my needs (emotionally) have very much taken a back seat and it has made me feel very unimportant. He is good to me, but I do EVERYTHING in the house, and I mean really everything. No, I have help, I have a cleaner and someone does my ironing, but what I mean is that anything that is not work-related is my responsibility. Sometimes he'll take the kids for half a day, but when he hands over it's very much "I've done my bit, I'm off".
I feel I'm digressing now. We can't talk about it - he just doesn't get it. To him it's black and white. He wants sex and I don't. Yes, a weekend, or even a night, away would be fab and would certainly help. But no family close by. At the moment he is away every weekend anyway, so I'm left with the kids every single weekend. THat is leisure not work and his choice. I begged him to sit down and put ONE w/e aside for me before he booked all his up and he was always too tired, too stressed, didn't want to think about it. Now there are none left, and he wonders why I have low self-esteem. We can't talk, not just about this but about anything. It turns into a fight. Everything I say in defence he takes as an attack. Always. He didn't even say goodbye to me this morning cos he was so angry that I didn't want sex last night.

Oh poor you, he really is not pulling his weight around the house or in your relationship at the moment, is he. I think pushing off every weekend to do things for himself is especially selfish, and it's not like you haven't made the effort to get him to sit down and talk.
You say he is "good to you". Do you mean a "good provider" in terms of material support and so on? WHY don't they understand emotional support and understanding is essential too?
Know very well the feeling of having even constructive remarks being interpreted as a full-on insult, though.
You sound as though you have given your relationship as it stands a lot of thought, and you are trying to see his perspective too.
How do you think he would react if you showed him this thread?
I wish I could think of something really concrete that would help you break this pattern.

Oh tearful I so know where you are coming from. I am following Marina's advice at the moment - I do at least now have a Dh who will listen to my reasons for not wanting sex. We haven't quite got round to properly fixing the problems yet though.

I think they do see the not having sex as being the problem, not the effect of the other problems. And him being away every weekend for pleasure is definately a BIG problem.
I just kept repeating to dh that I would like to have sex with him, but I'd forgotten who he was. Make it clear that sex is not off teh menu, he just has to put in some (actually quite a lot) of effort before it happens. And then give him a break and accept less effort than you would really like a long as you feel he is actually trying to resolve things.

Sorry if I repeat anything, have not had time to fully read thread! A friend of mine who is a sex therapist advises that you have to reach a compromise. It's not fair on you for your husband to constantly demand sex, but it's not fair on him for you to constantly refuse it either. Agree that you will have sex a certain amount of times a week or month or whatever,and stick to it. That way, you both get a little of what you both want & both of you are happy (in theory!).

God, who hasn't got themselves caught up in this?
(He wont help out so I won't sleep with him/She won't sleep with me so I won't help out and on and on it goes!)

I decided (after similar scenario) that I would just grit my teeth and have sex. The discovery I made was that he was so pleased about it that it was very cathartic. A lot of his bad vibes just ebbed away. He was then so much nicer that the next time around I actually did feel a bit more interested (no sex machine by any stretch of the imagination, but the embers were being fanned!)

I likened it to going for a walk. Often you can't be bothered but you never regret it when you have!
(Sounds flippant but not meant to be!)

He was so much nicer and more receptive to my woes and worries afterwards that it seemed like a reasonable trade-off.

Lets face it, even if you really aren't in the mood, 30 mins or so of action is a pretty small price to pay for hours/days/weeks that are tension free (free of that sort of tension anyway.)

Sounds horribly unliberated I know but think of it as a coping strategy for when your children are small. In a few years, you'll probably be gagging for it, and he'll be the one panicking about meeting your needs!

I have had this conversation (or versions of it) with so many friends in recent years. All of them with small kids and/or pregnant. It became a HUGE issue between dh & I and he ended up having an affair.

Funnily enough, after much hurt and distress and many months of pain, I have come to see his affair as a positive force, because it forced us to sit down and take a long hard look at our lives and to assess how we still felt about each other, and luckily, to realize that we both still loved each other very much. Before that, I think he didn't understand why I wasn't feeling sexy, and I didn't understand how my constant rejection of any physical intimacy was affecting him.

The sex thing is still problematic for me. I have 2 small kids and I work and so I am knackered and sometimes it's just someone else wanting something from me. BUT I have to say that having sex is like going to the gym - it's really hard getting started but when you do go regularly it's so much easier and more rewarding!

If you still love him and want to be with him, I think you do have to reach a compromise, like johnnydeppsmistress suggests.

Sorry about lowering the tone here but .....is it actual intercourse that you don't feel up to at the moment, my point being there are other ways of "making him feel good" and maybe re-igniting the spark in your physical relationship? And making you feel good in the process? I agree with puffball, especially about the reasonable trade-off - have often found myself in that situation and thoroughly enjoying it before long!

I can so relate to this and it aint got nithin 2 do with my kids as youngest is 10, Im just tired and uninterested, went 2 docs and she just said when I feel b8r emotionally my libido will return.....still waiting on it returning after 6months...but nevertheless I compromise and every now and again I allow him his pleasure....anything for a quiet life I suppose....but communication is really the key...if you cud(I know its askin a lot) make a nice meal for just the 2 of ya (or get chinese or summat) and get kids 2 bed then use that time to talk....heart 2 heart....explain how u really feel and ask 4 a little understanding on his part...I truly wish you the very best and you know the only way is up! take care xx

hiya,

DH and I went thru something similar about a year ago, I completely went off sex, literally and it only occured out of duty for him as he was moaning so much, he didn't seem to understand thou that it was not enough for him to sit on the computer from when he came in at 6 until 111 when we went to bed, not doing anything inhelping me around the house and not putting in any effort with me at all. He seemed to expect to be able to (excuse the phrase) turn me on like a light switch at his beck and call. after much tooing and froing he came around to the idea and realised he needed to put in the effort first, we spent more time together and slowly things are back to normal. it ddi take a while mind, try having one night a month or more if you can afford it just the two of you out for a nice meal or something to see if things improve. Best of luck thou.

his anger/stress may well be down to lack of sex (man are like this). Could you not bite the bullet just once and have sex. He would be more relaxed an loving, you'll probably find that the more sex you have, the more you'll enjoy it and eventually it would be a regular occurence from both of you wanting it.
I'm afraid that it looks to me like DH is neglegted (as much as you are by him to be fair) and one of you needs to make the first step. I doubt he ever will so it's down to you to make that extra effort.
Once you're both more at ease with each other, you'll probably find yourself not resenting him so much for not spending more time with his family. He may also want to spend more time with all of you.
If you feel really down about your appearance, start taking small steps in improving your confidence.
Good luck.

PS No magic solution unfortunately!

omg I know so where you are coming from tearful...(have talked about this is threads quite a bit)...my dh has a very high sex drive and is constantly wanting us to this...he would like it every day (3 times a day) but says 3 times a week and he will be happy ...it's quality rather than quantity he says..

I like you find it very hard to feel sexy when he is constantly saying 8you're not going to push me away tonight are you?*....this is virtually every day...HOWEVER if I instigated it he would not be saying this...my doctor suggested do more sport but sounds like you have little time to yourself to even think about this...please don't be too hard on yourself..people are so right here we have all been through this at some time or another...it comes from being a mother and wanting to care for your children first and foremost (as nature intended us to)...and men can be put on a back burner and seen as a pain for wanting more emotional support from us when quite frankly after having the children all day/ housework etc you don't quite feel like you did when didn't have all that responsibility...when it's expected the spontaneity goes and something doesn't push you to want to jump all over your dh/dp...

I digress...when you have sucumbed to it you find it is really rather nice but it really is all about having the push to start it in the first place (btw our children are 9 1/2 and nearly 8 and and am very not good in initiating sex)..

could you perhaps spend more time together...evening out maybe once a month where you have to dress up, and start just by cuddling and touching each other in a non-sexual way...and explain that when you feel pressured it makes you feel not sexy...that you would like to do more activity in the bedroom{wink] but you need a little time with each other away from children and all the responsibilities you have...please post as often as you like because these mumsnetter are a very kind bunch and are always willing to help each other ...lavxx

My god, i can't believe how many people have this prob.
Me and dp are having big probs in the sex department again at the mo cos i just do not want to do it and he does, and to him it's as simple as that.
It has gotten to the point now that i can't bear him to even kiss me cos i just wanna shout "get off me".

He trys it on and every available oppurtunity and i have come to dread going to bed.

I do agree that sometimes if you can at least get going then you find that you actually still quite like it and during our last bout of this (10mths with no sex at all), i did eventually just grit my teeth and get on with it and yes it was fine, but afterwards i felt used really.

I find i am quite jumpy round dp now cos if he comes anywhere near me i assume he wants sex.

Have skim read other contributions....

I NEVER feel like sex (have 2.4 year old and 7 month old) so I know how you feel.

However, I find that when I do consent to sex I frequently do enjoy it (even though when we get started I'm thinking "Oh no - not this again, I need my sleep)...

Also dh is much less frustrated and irritable afterwards and generally much more pleasant to be around.

I particularly sympathise with you however - your dh seems be rather absent, remote and unhelpful. It must be difficult to get intimate with him in these circumstances. My dh is far from perfect but he can be considerate and quite reasonable at times...

Oh i too know exactly how this feels. I still fancy him and love him but I just do not want it. It has gone on for a year now and last week he left me because of it, he started trying to crawl back the next day and I let him back a few days after, but 3 days later we are back to square one and after his constant moaning and critising in my ear each night I am just preparing to tell him that i can take no more . Have one 2yo. I hope you can manage to sort things out.