Very low contact with DM

[SuperTed127]

She wants me to email her with updated photos of the kids. To put on her photo wall so she can show off all her grandkids to her pals.

We live overseas. She knows I put the decent ones on social media, and that’s where she got her current lot from. She can access that. Why ask me to email them? She didn’t ask me to last time….

I get that she’s incapable of normal interactions. I get that maybe it’s an excuse to get in touch (last text was NYD). But it pisses me off that she wants to put on this outward show of “family” when she will not fix the shit she’s created. And the message she’s sent doesn’t even ask how we are (I’m actually in bed with covid atm). Just that she needs to update her wall.

As with most communication with her, I’m left baffled with how to reply.

Reply just with some photo that you have on social media with the comment see attatched.

I think I’ll just tell her to go on FB/IG and take what she wants. I really want to make a comment about it being odd to get in touch for such a thing (when it’s readily available to her anyway) when she won’t ask how we are or attempt to put things right. But hey let’s play happy fucking families and send nice photos around

This is the heart of disordered parents. Forced into a sham to avoid painful conversations that do nothing but bring more pain. I really feel for you. You could just ignore. That option is always available to you. You don't have to respond to an email just because it's from a parent. No one is guaranteed access to you.

Thank you for understanding @prickferrari. On the face of it it’s just dear granny wanting photos of her much-loved GC. And she knows this.

Despite lots of therapy I can’t cut her off completely. So I have written back saying that she can choose what she wants from SM and that’s it.

I often feel “softer” towards her when there’s a gap in contact, and think of all the shit going on in the world and that it’s silly to not be in touch. Then we have this kind of message and it reminds me why…. At Xmas we had some sad news which she knew about, not once since has she checked in to see what happened in the end. Whenever I’ve come to hear that she’s had something going on, I’ve always sent a message to say “sorry to hear XYZ, hope you’re ok” or similar. I guess I’ve wanted to show that whilst we seem unable to communicate properly or have a decent relationship, I do still care about her.

She must have a dinner party coming up where she wants to show off her wall!

Send stock photos of random similar looking dc..
I am nc with my dm - like Hell would she be getting photos.

Ha ha ha ha that’s really funny! I wonder if she’d actually notice!

Test the theory

I dare you!!

Indeed send her some stock photos.

Why do you feel you cannot cut her off completely?. Is that due really to your FOG (fear obligation and guilt) re your parent. Many adult children of such a parent still want that parent’s approval, is that the car with you?.

Where is your dad here, I ask only as he is not mentioned. You may also want to read the current “well we took you to Stately Homes” thread on these Relationships pages and read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward.

Mine takes photos of my children when my back I am out of the room but never shows them to me it is like she is creating her own version of reality when I told her any time she wanted some photos of us to ask and I’d send he her some , she has never once asked hasn’t taken a photo with me on it in 30 years didn’t even want any of our wedding photos it’s all very bizarre

If you can't brave stock pics send ones with a daft emoji on their faces instead!

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you (again! I’ve posted lots about her in the past under different usernames).

My parents divorced when I was a kid, my dad sadly died a few years ago. My stepdad has been in my life a long time. He’s a decent guy, but weak and is trapped by her.

I don’t want her approval. I guess I stay in touch so that she can’t justify her role as victim…. And to give her the chance (naively) to make amends. I know really that she won’t, so every time she’s in touch and doesn’t make amends, it reassures me that LC is absolutely the right thing. As I said, I often find myself thinking I should offer some kind of olive branch, particularly when we e has a big gap of contact, that’s when the guilt kicks in, but then when we are in touch reality kicks in and I’m reminded why it’s “safest” for my own emotional well-being to not go any deeper than I do.

No surprise really but no reply from DM.

My prediction was a “ok” and with that I would’ve closed this little interaction out. No reply leaves it open and leaves me a bit stressed and wondering what might come next.

Must remember that there is always a game….

And I know this is why Atila will tell me that LC doesn’t work….

Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) or at all respond when it comes to your mother and drop the rope she holds out to you. Communicating with her just keeps a door open that should otherwise remain closed.

She will justify her role as victim no matter what; she does that because she can and it works for her. She learnt how to do that a long time ago.

Such people too NEVER apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You in turn will have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Deal with your FOG by seeing someone like a BACP registered therapist and a therapist at that who has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Have a look too at the Out of the FOG website.

I know, sometimes easier said than done though…

This long into LC, I’m pretty used to it. Still sad about it all and have grieved for the relationship we don’t have. But every now and then it feels so unfinished…. I know it’s a lose-lose situation, and that so much damage has been done so there’s little chance of any way back, and that she is who she is etc. But is this it? Shit text exchanges forever more? Until she pops her clogs???

The longer it goes on, I feel simultaneously better and worse.

My parents do the same, I haven't seen them in 7 years, DC are 6 and 2. They ask for photos that I know for a fact they are looking to show relatives that we're in regular contact etc when really I make one call a week, and that's after 6 years of NC. I deliberately send photos of me with DC without my hijab on because I know they'd rather be struck down than show these to anyone they've since stopped asking for photos!

Good one @Coffeencrochet!

Whilst I jest, I am sorry to see others in a similar situation, it’s truly shit. Can I ask how you plan to “manage” things longer term? Maintain the status quo? Or try to make amends? Or sweep it under the carpet? Or what?

You will not be able to make amends with your mother. By thinking this at all you’re putting the ‘normal’ rules of familial interactions onto her but she is not built that way. The rule book really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

Don’t sweep it under the carpet either. You already have physical distance which is great but you need to put far more emotional distance between you and she.

She wants to project an idealised image of the family wall to the world, image is all important to people like your mother. It is shit and it is hard but you need to protect your own self along with your own family unit here. If she is too difficult/toxic/batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids too.

Indeed, I see that our “truth” or version of events is very different and will never be aligned.

Such a sad waste though.

Your mother will only believe her own narrative I.e she’s right and you’re always wrong.

You have two qualities though that she lacks and those are empathy and insight.

Where I get confused though is that doesn’t everyone just believe their narrative??

And aren’t I just as bad? Because my narrative is that she is in the wrong, and that’s what I believe….

@SuperTed127

Good one *@Coffeencrochet*!

Whilst I jest, I am sorry to see others in a similar situation, it’s truly shit. Can I ask how you plan to “manage” things longer term? Maintain the status quo? Or try to make amends? Or sweep it under the carpet? Or what?

Just keep it as it is to be honest - I have tried making amends with my father who would attempt to squeeze money and all sorts out of me to maintain his control over me even after marriage. I realised that his 'love' was conditional and he even told me it's his way or the highway, so I took the highway and now live in peace on the other side of the country. The sadness that you're feeling is the loss of the mother that could have been, and it's easy to feel that when you're not close at all. But you have to remember what caused the divide in the first place, and whether she's willing to change or not.

Yes I relate very much to the conditional love thing.

Remembering the reason is important, though at times I feel like it’s just holding a grudge, and that maybe just maybe I’d be more at peace if I forgave and forgot… but I know that my emotional health will suffer if I do that and that it would only be for her, with no benefit for me…. She caused our divide, refuses to acknowledge it, and now calls herself the victim.

I hope you’re in a good place with it all, despite the challenges it brings.

Good reply, OP, just chose photos from social media!

The whole thing about photos is a tedious one, and seems fairly common. I'm not exactly sure what its about.

1. So they can 'show off' to others, or be in a position to, if they want to. So typical, so surface.
2. Making you "do" some work for them. Sorting out photos, posting them, etc. Just making a demand of you sure brightens up their day!
3. They can play a little bit 'victim' - in some weird way its like you're denying them something even though you haven't.

Anyway, I thought your response was good. She'll probably do a "ST" now for a good while, as you didn't do the "lackey" thing and put it back in her Court. That'll be a nice break for you so enjoy:-) If she's sulking let her stew, it will give her something miserable to do. Cut out a picture of a cow's face and stick it on your fridge as a reminder. Actually, cows are rather sweet animals, maybe forget that.

Finally, I'm not sure its always sorted forever. For some may be. There are some very black and white situations.

However, for many, it ebbs and flows sometimes. I am NC with my mother but only recently I considered writing her a letter. In fact I even wrote it a few times. Then the moment passed. And I never sent it.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with sometimes being caught up in it for a while. It does seem a bit inconvenient as we like to "park" things. This can work for the most part, but I think its no surprise if we find ourselves revisiting things again, or even reconsidering our communication.

I am happy with NC overall. But as I read somewhere once, the point of NC, LC, VLC etc with parents is not to make us "stick to a decision". It is to do whatever brings us most peace.

Thank you @PantoFine. I was a bit bemused by the request to email. We haven’t corresponded by email for about 10 years. And you’re so right with all 3 points.

Thank you also for highlighting that it may never be resolved. I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but interesting to reflect on it all in that way - ie that maybe this is it, maybe nothing will shift from how it is. In my head, I’d only really considered reconciling or things getting worse, but maybe this weird no man’s land is as good/bad as it’ll get.

And this current situation does bring me peace, or at least I think it’s the least worst situation…. I just need to come and vent on here once in a while!