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Original poster

my husband cheated on me while i was pregnant, what should i do?

27 replies

em1981 · 03/01/2008 12:15

Three months ago my husband dropped the bombshell that he had slept with a work collegue. It happened over a year and a half ago when i was 6 months pregnant. To say we were totally happy in our relationship would be a lie. We had recently moved and although my husband worked in the local area, i had a three hour commute to work everyday. When i fell pregnant, the travel became too much so i moved in with my parents and only saw my husband at weekends. As a result of this, he never really felt part of my pregnancy. He missed my morning sickness, first movement of baby etc. It was tough but the knowledge that i would soon be on maternity leave was enough to get me through. Meanwhile my husband was at home alone. He has a very stressful job and i know i wasnt there for him as i was obsessed with the pregnancy. He became close to a work collegue who, i feel, went out of her way to get him into bed. I knew of her before it happened as she had already had an affair with two other work mates. At a staff do, he kissed her but nohing more. The following week at another staff do he kissed her again, she came back to our home and slept with him. (I was still staying with my parents at this stage)

The condom fell off, which is why he told me. He wanted me to get checked out, considering her history. Its just a shame he had to wait over a year to tell me. I asked my husband to tell me eveything, every little detail and he did. He has been a wreck since telling me but i have no sympathy. I love him and believe the situation we were in led to him sleeping with her but at the same time i can no longer trust him. He could do it again at any time!!!!! The past three months i have taken him back and tried to forget what has happened but im really struggling. she lives around the corner and knowing she is so close is killing me. I am obsessed with her, why should her life carry on as normal while mine has fallen apart. To add to it all, i have just found out that im 7 weeks pregnant. Instead of bringing up emotions of joy i just feel doubt and sadness!!

OP posts:
Layla17 · 03/01/2008 12:21

How awful for you. It will be hard for you to forget what he did but if you love him then you can learn to forgive him. He has to earn your trust back.

Why not try counselling at Relate to come to terms with what happened.

You should be over the moon about the pregnancy - congratulations - concentrate on the baby and take each day as it comes.

NorthernLurker · 03/01/2008 12:29

That is an awful situation for you and I'm sure the hormonal surge that goes with being pregnant doesn't help right now. It is understandable that you can't trust him at present - he has let you down in the worst way BUT there is obviously a lot of love in this relationship still and you can rebuild I'm sure. Hold on to the fact that he told you about it because he was motivated to ensure you and your lo's were healthy. That is a good thing.
Relate sounds like a good idea as well - you can get through this - the fact that he is broken by having told you shows how he doesn't want to do it again - he is terrified of losing his family - and he should be scared because you are plainly a wonderful woman and he won't see your like again! Good luck with the new baby

oranges · 03/01/2008 12:36

How has he been? Do you think he felt genuine remorse? The fact that you were at your parents is no excuse whatsoever - it's more about whether he really regrets what he has done, and whether you can forgive him.

Original poster
em1981 · 03/01/2008 12:58

He does seem to feel genuine remorse. He has always been a man with morals. He has always been so against cheating. That is why i am finding it so hard to come to terms with. He says he will never do it again as he has come so close to losing everything he loves but i just cant trust him. At the end of the day he has done it once already. What will happen when im fuher on in the pregnancy and feeling fat and unattractive. I shouldnt have to worry that my husband will be looking elsewhere.

OP posts:
Hecate · 03/01/2008 13:06

I think the first thing he needs to do is to stop looking for excuses why he wasn't responsible for his actions...you were away, he felt left out, the other woman was a slag, he was lonely.....it's all bull.

Until he can hold his hands up and say he made the choice to cheat and it was the wrong one and he regrets his decision, then I don't see how you can begin to work on this, tbh.

And shifting the blame onto the other woman doesn't help, imo. Demonising her and making him her victim only prevents you both from seeing the actual problem, which is between the 2 of you and very little to do with her. She was a tool, a vessel, a means to an end. She is irrelevent. It is your relationship that you need to examine and put right. don't waste your energies on her when she was, in effect, little more than an aid to masturbation.

lulumama · 03/01/2008 13:09

i do think you should have some outside help - counselling and mediation.

there are two ways you can look at this:

he has made a terrible mistake, but he is not a terrible person, and as he has realised how close he has come to losing everything, he has learnt his lesson and won;t do it again

or

he has made a terrible mistake, but feels he has got away with it, and should the opportunity arise, he might do it again.

ok, he did tell you, but it took him a year to tell you ... she is also culpable in all this.

at least things are out in the open which gives you something to work with.

HappyWoman · 03/01/2008 14:08

I think i have posted to you before.
I am re-building my marriage after my h had an affair. I know the devistation you are feeling.

It does sound as if he is trying to make it up to you - but only you can decide if you want to continue with the relationship. He has forfieted his right over this by his actions. No-one will blame you if you do not want to continue with this relationship but it up to you to make up your mind if you can live with this or not.

I know it is no consulation but it is only sex - which lets face it we can all do. It sounds as if this other woman has nothing else to offer anyway that is why she has to go for other peoples partners. Your h was stupidly flattered by the sex - and maybe she got some pleasure out of knowing she was hurting you but that is her problem to live with.

If your h is otherwise a very good man why would you throw it all away for a mistake? If you think he has truely learnt his lesson you must try and move on. This i know from experience is very hard to do - but if you want to you can.

Remember you can look yourself in the mirror knowing you are a fantastic woman who has the power to forgive him this mistake - this woman has nothing of what you have.

Do they still work together?

I do feel you need to talk to your h again though and not just ignore what you are feeling as this will just lead to resentment.

You can be happy again and i really hope you can as you now have a new life to think about.

Original poster
em1981 · 04/01/2008 11:04

Me and my husband sat down last night and had a good talk. There were still more lies he had failled to tell me. I feel i will never get the whole truth from him and although he holds his hands up, he still blames her more, saying she chased him. He isnt the man i thought he was. I would love to forgive and move on but i just dont thnk i have it in me. It upsets me to see him curled up in a corner, crying like a baby but he did this, not me!

OP posts:
Layla17 · 04/01/2008 12:09

Poor you. Never mind him how about you - how are you feeling?

Original poster
em1981 · 04/01/2008 13:00

i just wish someone would tell me what i should do. the right decision that i wont regret. My head is spinning! At the moment i dont feel he deserves me, i feel i have to move on and show respect for myelf, someone i havent got from him.

OP posts:
MerryKIFmas · 04/01/2008 13:08

Right now, i think you should focus on growing your bump. The stress of big decisions won;t help anything - the hormones swilling around will make it hard to think straight.

In any case, I think you should expect your Dp to practically and emptionally support you through the pregnancy. Why not try to set a date to come back to thinking about 'what should I do' 6 months after the baby, or next new year or something.

bettysmomma · 05/03/2019 14:07

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Shoxfordian · 05/03/2019 14:16

Divorce him, he's a complete shitbag
It's not because of the situation, it's because he has no integrity.

Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 05/03/2019 14:25

I can't tell you what to do OP, but please stop going along with him saying he was led in to sleeping with her. A kiss on ond occasion is bad enough, but a separate occasion where he invited her to your and slept with her - nope. He wasn't led in to anything, he is just making excuses for his behaviour.

I have very strong feelings regarding cheating, ultimately this would not be forgiveable if I were in your shoes, but it is difficult as you are now pregnant. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 05/03/2019 14:25

Please excuse my typos

Worldshohohokayestmum · 05/03/2019 14:28

@bettysmomma have you resurrected an 11 year old thread purely to advertise?

Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 05/03/2019 14:30

Didn't see that this thread was so old!

PaleRider1 · 05/03/2019 14:31

Zombie thread

Amethystmom · 12/01/2021 23:50

Thank you, your advice eases my pain right now.

shofie · 29/01/2021 19:39

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P3rsephone · 30/01/2021 17:38

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Thingsdogetbetter · 30/01/2021 19:16

Zombie 12 years old

jimmyjammy001 · 31/01/2021 00:55

I'd be interested to know 12 years on what happened and what the outcome was for people who find themselves in this situation in the future for any advice.

BlueThistles · 31/01/2021 02:45

12 years .... wow

PurpleSneakers · 31/01/2021 07:37

Yes I would like follow up on this thread also - em1981 if you are still on MN what happened next?