Seem to be unable to see abuse for what it was

[ntsure]

In a past relationship a lot of horrible things went in and objectively I know they are abusive things but I just don’t FEEL like they are and I’m worried that is why my mental health is currently in the bin, like I haven’t processed things or I have internalised them.

these are just a few of many incidents that happened:

Strangled me during an argument- shoved me down in the bed with both his hands around my neck, I couldn’t breathe and it went on for a while I thought I was going to die.

Grabbed a knife from the knife block in the kitchen on me during an argument- I had to run out of the house carrying baby ds and phone my dad to help me. He told my dad he I was lying and my dad believed him.

Filmed me during sex without my knowledge.
Shoved me out of a (slowly) moving car when I was heavily pregnant

He once shoved me hard into a push in public and a stranger called the police- i still feel as though I was in the wrong for getting him in that situation with the police for making him push me. The reason was because I wanted to go into town with friends we were out with and he wanted me to go home with him. I refused to give a statement to the police and they were going to press charges anyway, but then dropped it as lack of evidence due to me not giving a proper statement.

Even now listing these things I feel like they’re not serious, or like me calling it abuse is me being dramatic or like I caused them to happen and it’s just down to arguing etc but I never did any of this stuff to him

I didn’t feel scared of him though, because I believed that he loved me and just had issues, but that he wouldn’t REALLY hurt me. He strangled me ffs so clearly he did want to hurt me. I was scared when he did that, and when he did these things but otherwise I wasn’t. Surely if he was so abusive then I would have been always scared? We’ve been broken up for over 5 years, but I still don’t seem to be able to accept it for what it was.

Yes this was abuse and quite shockingly bad abuse at that!

Have you had an counselling? I feel you could really benefit from unpicking all this. Until you come to terms with it you are in danger of ending up in another abusive relationship in the future.

This was all serious abuse. Strangulation, could have easily ended up with your death. I think you would benefit from counselling, doing the Freedom Programme and reading up on the subject. Lundy Bancroft- Why Does He Do That. Pat Craven - Living With The Dominator. There are loads of You Tube videos.
Learn how to identify red flags, to prevent getting into abusive relationships or staying in abusive relationships. I know people who have stumbled from one abusive relationship to another.
You describe your mental health as being in the bin, get help from your GP etc. Do not be in any hurry ,to get into another relationship at this stage. Nurture yourself, heal, be kind to yourself. Learn how to be your own best friend. Listen to your feelings, wants ,needs.
You say, if he was abusive, you would always be scared, this is not true. Look up the cycle of abuse. Even abusers have times of being loving, nice. They know if they were abusive all the time, most people would leave them.
Good luck on your healing journey.

I agree with the advice you have been given. Also, don't beat yourself up about not being able to see it as abuse, I think there is something about our ability to sort of shelve things until we are able to look at them directly for what they were. Counselling will help you do that. Please get some. You need to be able to spot red flags and also model for your children to do the same. Otherwise you are at risk of entering abusive relationships again.

My guess is that your brain isnt allowing you to see it as abuse because abuse is a fucking big deal, and your brain knows that right now you dont have the bandwith to deal with it. But at some point you will.

I would also bet that he very gently over the course of years pushed and pushed at your boundaries until you couldnt see them anymore. Your normal barometer is fucked. Your Dads reaction tells me that youve probably never seen healthy boundaries and relationships modelled. Why would you think its ok to strangle someone? Especially someone you're supposed to love.

I think you probably need to work on yourself and I would start with the freedom program. Please dont start another relationship until youve done this.