Does your partner show appreciation for you?

[treasure47]

I work 3 days a week - I have a fairly good job and it’s at times challenging. It’s the kind of thing that I can’t really just switch off from when I finish. Today (Friday), I feel pretty exhausted. I was actually thinking to myself when I got home (had a productive day) how hard I work (at work and at home) - I’m at times quite critical of myself but I had a little moment of pride at what I do.
I was saying this to DH and I said “I kind of feel like superwoman” and his response was “you are… to some extent” I sort of felt a bit deflated and he then went on to say “well, you’re not superwoman at everything you do”… When he could see I looked a bit upset and I said that I feel like he at times downplays what I do he told me I was talking rubbish.
It made me feel crap tbh. I think in that moment I just needed him to agree with me (even if he didn’t fully believe it!). It’s not like he never shows appreciation but he downplays things a lot if I explain how much I do.
He works full time and some Saturdays so a lot more than I do but he always has done, even before we had a child. Monday to Friday, he occasionally is home in time to do bathtime or bedtime story but other than that, all childcare is me (including on my work days - I get myself and DS ready pretty much alone and do the nursery drop off).
I think he does the downplaying thing because deep down he feels guilty that he can’t/doesn’t do more but it’s not nice for me. I am really hard on myself sometimes but today I just thought “you know what, I’m doing pretty good considering!” - Mums are superheroes I think!!
Does anyone else’s partner do this?
Am I just being too sensitive?

This is going to sound harsh but you should never look to others for validation. Only to yourself.

That's because what someone else says about you shouldn't affect you if it's a negative thing. Don't allow anyone to make you feel down about yourself.

@FortunesFave

This is going to sound harsh but you should never look to others for validation. Only to yourself.

That's because what someone else says about you shouldn't affect you if it's a negative thing. Don't allow anyone to make you feel down about yourself.

That's so true and something I'm trying to change as unfortunately I do let other people affect how I feel about myself way more than I should!

Maybe your husband thinks that working 3 days a week and only having one child isn't particularly unusual or as challenging as many woman's lives? Getting yourself and your son ready for work on your own is normal for thousands of working woman.

Do you generally both make an effort to appreciate each other and express it? It must be hard for him working so much, maybe he misses DS and wishes things were different. Does he have to often work 6 days a week?

Seems unlikely he feels guilty, maybe he feels envious of you working less and having more time with DS.

You both knew his working pattern and chose to keep it that way when you had a child. You’re probably both super people in your own ways doing different things that contribute to your lives. You presumably know having a child would mean getting them to nursery and looking after them when you weren’t working. Do you give him as much credit as you ask for? If so then just tell him you wanted a pat on the back and next time to just agree with you.

I think you’re being too sensitive and I expect your partner thinks the same .
Getting yourself and one kid up and out the house and then going to work isn’t anything spectacular

Hey op I think you’re amazing! Well done on a productive week!

Also, yeah, my DP does often praise and big me up.

I don't particularly think I'm doing anything spectacular, it just feels like I do a lot alone but that's not his fault I know. I can be a bit sensitive - think I'd just had a tiring day!

Yeah it was a bit big-headed to call yourself superwoman!

I get it - after a long and hectic week, it's quite nice to celebrate the achievement of getting through it in one piece!

Maybe you were being a bit sensitive. Maybe he felt you were indirectly criticising him (look at all I accomplish because you don't pull your weight) and that made him sensitive. Maybe he also feels he isn't appreciated.

This could be a good time to talk about workloads and fair downtime, and to get in the habit of recognising what each of you do for the family.

I didn't call myself it seriously, it was a bit tongue in cheek. I know so many other people have it waaaayyy harder than I do. I just thought it was an odd reaction from him but yeah I can see how he could have felt sensitive about it too.
I feel so much worse after posting this 😅 ignore me!

OP, I think you have every right to be proud of your achievements at the end of the week. Everyone's lives are different, and what may seem easy and nothing out of the ordinary to some, it can be a lot to others. All you wanted was to be able to share how you were feeling, and rightly so. This wasn't the time for your DH to point out the negatives, more so support you and join in your sense of accomplishments at the end of a long week. You're more inclined to share your feelings next time this way, instead of worrying if you're going to be shot down again so keeping things to yourself.
Well done on a productive week and allowing yourself to be proud of what you've done 😘

@Wsw123

OP, I think you have every right to be proud of your achievements at the end of the week. Everyone's lives are different, and what may seem easy and nothing out of the ordinary to some, it can be a lot to others. All you wanted was to be able to share how you were feeling, and rightly so. This wasn't the time for your DH to point out the negatives, more so support you and join in your sense of accomplishments at the end of a long week. You're more inclined to share your feelings next time this way, instead of worrying if you're going to be shot down again so keeping things to yourself. Well done on a productive week and allowing yourself to be proud of what you've done 😘

Thank you 😊😊

Is there more to this I wonder that meet the eye?

People have focused a lot on what you said, saying that this is what mothers do generally and all that, but I'm more interested in what he said in response to this.

“well, you’re not superwoman at everything you do”

Everybody already knows they're not amazing at everything. Unless you're regularly boasting about yourself in a way he feels aggravating, or he feels unappreciated in some way, his comment comes across as quite snide actually. Like he didn't want you to feel like you had a win so he had to come over and kick your sandcastle over. There was really no need to say that to someone who clearly had had a busy week.

I’m at times quite critical of myself but I had a little moment of pride at what I do

I think posters have glossed over this, and I think what you needed that day was a bit of emotional support to keep you going after a busy week.

When he said "you’re not superwoman at everything you do" he was explaining what he meant by "to some extent", is that right? Because you looked sad?
Would it have been better if he'd laughed and said "Yes, you're superwoman!"? To me, saying seriously that you are amazing in some ways is more sincere, and thus potentially more of a compliment, than just parroting back what you said without meaning it.