Is it him? Or me?

[Cleanbedlinen12]

I’ve been job hunting all week again and not getting anywhere except depressed.
Tonight I cooked the leftovers up. Dp got in a mood ( probably because he wasn’t getting hand made pizza or steak and salad)and said he doesn’t know what I do in my room ( where computer is) he said I’m taking the piss. I said, I’m going into the other room until you are less grumpy. He said,‘I’m not making the kids tea’ ( I didn’t ask him to) he said they wouldn’t want what I was cooking. He’d asked them what they wanted ( I deliberately didn’t say waht?! And he didn’t tell me, so I don’t know what that was all about). It’s just that now I’m totally depressed and feeling useless and anxious.
Yesterday I was explaining something I’d said to dd and he said,’wtf?’ I explained how that was awful and why would I want to keep talking to someone who hadn’t even heard the whole story. I don’t remember what he said, but I think he wanted to get back to the conversation.
Is it me? Is it him? I just feel so stuck and anxious ever since having kids. And they are baby teens now. That’s a long time to be stuck.

It’s difficult to say from this snapshot whether it’s you or him or both of you. What’s clear is that you’re miserable so you need to spend some time and energy working on yourself, trying to find out what’s causing your depression and anxiety - your relationship, your history, your current situation etc - and what you’re going to do to improve it. You may discover that your relationship is the main cause of stress, or it may be that you can get some counselling to work on your self esteem etc and find that when you show up differently in your relationship things change. But one thing is sure, something needs to change. You can’t change him so start with you

Thanks so much for replying roykentschesthair you are right of course. Easier said than done!

When you get your job, earmark some money straight away for you, for some much needed self care. That might take the form of a hobby or visiting the hairdresser or some therapy. You could research it now while you have the time; what would you need to feel boosted? Then find out how and where you can get it.

Oh gosh yes that sounds wonderful. I’ve gone from proud high earner to not being able to justify new jeans. I earnt some before Xmas but it vanished into the housekeeping , and a very expensive rug Dp decided we needed. Humph! To the rug,adding to the housekeeping I understand 😀

So you’re out of work and struggling financially while he’s buying expensive new houseware? Doesn’t sound like much of a partner to me.

He’s usually ok about money, I mean we just have one joint account. What I find confusing is one minute we can’t afford anything and the next he can spend a fortune on something I think is daft. It felt like he was determined to get at the money id made, if that makes sense? I had it in a separate account to use for equipment or mainly just to make me feel like I’d achieved something. So I can see why he feels it should be used in the main account.
I don’t know, in the past he has complained if I buy new shoes ( mine have holes!) so I am wary about buying new stuff. Then he’ll get doc Martin’s for dd. He’ll insist on not throwing food away, but then, like last night, will say he doesn’t want the old pasta, I can eat it for lunch.
Which is reasonable, it didn’t look too appetising!
Just need to find work. Am very gloomy actually and feel utterly useless. I am trying not to let it affect kids, but the house is a mess. I am a bit wary of buying anything.

Can you say you are bored of the money arguments now and say you both need to sit down to work out a temporary budget until you are earning regularly again and then of course reassess it?

Work out what needs to be paid, then if there is anything left what you both should have for personal spends and if a larger item is needed or desired how that will be funded.

I have found with my Mr if I say I am bored of X,Y,Z things progress because I don't know ego perhaps, boring is a dull thing to be.

I would most definitely be pointing out it seems to be one rule for him another for you. And that is no partnership.

Either way, when you get your new job, get your own bank account. There's no reason in this day and age where a woman should leave herself at financial risk by not having her own money.

He doesn't seem very supportive and I'm not sure if I'm getting what you mean exactly but that 'wtf?' Comment, was it designed at invalidating what you were talking about? Does he make a habit of belittling you?

That on tip of the spending he is doing...
Op, take no chances, get your own bank account sorted ASAP. You can always keep the joint one and just pay into it a fair amount to contribute to household bills.

Thanks all. Totally agree with having my own cash! Today he’s been fabulously nice. Maybe because I’m standing up for myself more.