The back and forth of whether to leave / stay

[Armadillosocks]

It is exhausting - I’ve been in this loop for about 5 years.
I decide to stay. It doesn’t feel final. I decide to leave. It doesn’t feel possible.
I’m paralysed by indecision.

For staying -
Two dc - late primary / early secondary age
It’s safe
Financially it makes sense - we are comfortable
It’s familiar
DH and I get on ok on the surface of it
There’s nothing terribly ‘wrong’ and maybe this is just as it is after 20 years
DH is a good dad - he wasn’t involved for a long time but had a bit of a change about 18 months ago and now is much more involved.
I find it difficult to think of the dc going between two homes
DH would be devastated
The ‘nuclear’ family is easier in lots of ways

For not staying
I’ve never been ‘happy’ from the start
I don’t feel I am myself with DH - I have to be a certain way
It’s all very superficial - I don’t think he knows me and possibly the same is true of me to him
Our sex life is nonexistent and has been for a decade
I’m lonely
I find it hard to get excited about the idea of planning anything with DH. I can if planning things with my friends / just the dc
I feel like I am treading water all the time - as though im waiting for my life to start

Am I just depressed? I’m on antidepressants. I know I should be happy with what I’ve got, why am I not? What is wrong with me? I’m so ungrateful.
I KNOW I should keep the family together the dc have to be central. My marriage is ok. So what is it that is missing? We’ve had counselling before and it hasn’t helped really.
I know he loves me. I know the grass isn’t greener and it would probably be MUCH harder in every single way if we split up.
Why can’t I just accept what I have and it be enough?

I know this is an old post but…I could have written most of it myself and I wondered if you had made any decision in the last 8 months that you are happy with?

@Armadillosocks I know it’s an old post. Just in case you are still deciding.

This is such a common dilemma that I see on MN and one I went through myself for 8 years.

As someone who is at retirement age and who has decided to leave, may I offer you some personal advice?

If you are thinking you want to leave at this stage of your marriage, you will probably decide to leave eventually, unless something radical happens. Ie successful relationship counselling etc. It might be this year, next year or in 10 years time., but you will eventually leave.

Usually the two main reasons for not going are the kids and finances.

I would suggest that you take a good hard look at your finances. Check out what you would be due. Make sure you are on mortgage etc etc. make sure you have access to all joint assets, and if possible know about his accounts, pensions etc, possible debts.

Start making sure that you you don’t give up control and knowledge of your joint assets (I did and regret this).

This is not so you can take ‘him to the cleaners’ but to ensure you have equality in this area. Many women (me included) let the husband have sole control and decision making on finances. Even if you never leave, this is a healthy way to manage money in a marriage.

Once you know how the finances are and if with time things can be improved, you may feel that you and the kids can manage.

Many people will confirm that staying in an unhappy relationship is worse for the children than divorce.

Do what you can to deal with the things that are making you fear leaving the marriage. Eventually you will only be left with the things that make you want to leave.

Or you can do what I did, which is to only decide to leave after the kids are adult and left home, and assets are enough to share. Then it’s quite an easy decision. But I have to also accept the fact that in some ways I have just wasted 10 years of my life being unhappy.

@Toomanysleepycats i know that wasn’t a reply to me but I found it helpful anyway. Thank you for sharing it. It’s what I keep coming back to - if I feel like this now I can’t imagine anything changing drastically and I do think I’ll keep circling back to this feeling. I definitely think I will leave eventually if things stay as they are. And I’m terrified of wasting my life being unhappy. My biggest fears are finances and upsetting him (because he’s actually a really lovely man).

@Babybrainisreal Thankyou. The other really helpful thing I did was therapy. Expensive but worth it. I went from I don’t know what to do, to I definitely know what to do in about three weeks with therapy.

Same as you, I thought my husband was a ‘good’ man, so why was I so fucking unhappy? Yeah it turns out I only thought he was a good man because that’s what he’d been telling me for so many years, along with all the negative stuff he’d been telling about me about myself.

A good person makes the other person feel good. Once I could see that, the guilt for leaving him evaporated. I am processing a lot of anger at the moment, some for him for taking so much advantage of me, but a lot at myself for being such a mug.

Oh God. I can relate to so many of these posts. Late 50s, kids left home, trundling on in a sexless marriage towards....what?
I have an interview tomorrow for a job in another country and am so conflicted. It will come as a bolt out of the blue to my DP.

Armadillo, I am in pretty much exactly the same boat as you.

It's so tough and I don't know what to do. It's the kids that keep me in the relationship. I could not stand to see them with a step-mother, it'd break my heart. Nor could I stand to not see them every day

@Toomanysleepycats

Great post, thanks

Exactly the same. Back and forth constantly with this dilemma….

I have left when my kids were late primary/early secondary.
I was in the same(ish) boat of not knowing as to whether to stay or go, and if stay - for how long. And here is how I see it, from my personal story point of view.

I think if you are in a situation of being midlife; few kids; life drudgery; your partner is a good H but you aren’t feeling happy/fulfilled; no spark; you are more co-parents than a romantic couple - I think this is what a lot of people go through. I think leaving in this situation would not necessarily make you happier, as life would get harder (financially, kids impacted logistics of divorce, etc). And there is no guarantee you would meet another partner who would give you those butterflies you may be dreaming about.
I think before making that jump - you need to actually work on yourself first and find internal sources of strength and happiness. Whether that is in your job, with friends, hobbies, etc.

I do not think it is fair to expect that your happiness should be coming from another person. I disagree with @Toomanysleepycats that a ‘good person makes the other person feel good’.
I am a good person but I did not make my exH feel good. He was not a bad person either, but he also didn’t make me feel good. We were just were too different, and over time those differences accumulated and made us unhappy.

A friend who went through tough divorce told me ones - there is good and bad stuff in life/marriage/relationship. If bad outweighs the good - over time, and it’s not getting better - then maybe it’s time to go.

If you do decide - I agree with @Toomanysleepycats - start with figuring out your financials. There is no point breaking a blah but stable marriage if you are going to create misery for you and your kids - and really struggle. If that is the case - you need to take your time and prepare - retrain; look for a different job, etc. And of course - getting a full picture of family financials is a must.

@jsku very sound advice. Thank you. You are absolutely right. Mid life is difficult it’s a turning point in so many ways. Focusing on your own happiness is the first step and it’s what’s I’m going to do and see how things feel then.
i hope everything worked out ok for you by the way.

@Fantastique11

Thank you and good luck to you too!
Mid life is indeed difficult - it just feels like we are on some treadmill when we are younger - running after career/professional fulfilment. Then to pair up and have kids. Then raising those kids and keeping the house going, while trying to maintain careers. It’s no wonder that by 40s many women feel exhausted and look at their lives wondering - is that all there is.
Adding to that inevitable changes that happen post childbirth and as we age. And then, unhelpfully in later 40s hormones start to fluctuate and play havoc with all kinds of things.
I do think a lot of unhappiness with marriages in my age group is linked to that. And I am not convinced that divorcing is always the answer.

For me personally - divorce was probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through.

I don’t regret it, and on balance my life has improved. From the kids pov - they see that their parents are happier apart; but their lives are more logistically complicated with travelling between houses, and now a blended family on dad’s side.

This book really helped me
www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/46681.Too_Good_to_Leave_Too_Bad_to_Stay

It's a very analytical way of identifying why you feel how you do and options to deal with it