Very long-term poster. Have NC'd for this.
Split with EXP 7 years ago (8 year relationship, 1DC). As we were circling the drain we misguidedly tried opening our relationship (just for sex, mainly instigated by me). I met someone during this period (G) and it was the most intense relationship of my life. The sex was indescribable but it wasn't just the sex (and I know that coming off the back of a stale relationship any sex might feel disproportionately good but that wasn't the case here - it was 100% insane attraction). The emotional connection was just as strong. It was like we were addicted to each other. He wanted to give things a proper go. I knew I wasn't in the right mindset for this so resisted. Things went on for a few years including after I fully split with EXP. It was never a conventional relationship. He never met my DC nor I his. I was a bit of a mess after the breakdown of my long-term relationship so he didn't see the best version of me.
He then ended the relationship eventually (5 years ago) by ghosting me. This absolutely messed me up and if I'm honest, continues to do so.
After a few drunken messages at the beginning (cringe) I've not contacted him. I've had as much therapy as I can afford (one therapist incorrectly decided I was still in love with EXP (couldn't be more wrong) and tried to focus on this rather than on G). Not able to afford more currently.
On paper I've moved on and have a great partner now but I am spending way too much time thinking about G. I'm early 40s and I'm aware that I'll likely never have that kind of sex again, will never feel so desired and I'm really struggling with that.
I also fundamentally struggle to accept how he could ghost me (even though I can now see we were in a pattern of behaviour that wasn't good for either of us and he was probably right to break it) when I genuinely thought he loved me.
I feel stuck and unable to give myself fully to my (wonderful) current partner while so much of my headspace is being taken up by this man. I genuinely expected the feelings to fade with time and that at 5 years down the line he would be little more than a distant memory but it's just not the case.
I'm not idolizing this bloke. I'm aware he's now an almost 50 year old normal guy with all the normal guy problems and issues that we all have and not some Adonis with a solid gold dick who could swing in and save me from my content average life.
But I do fantasize about bumping into him (when I'm looking amazing of course, not in joggers and no bra at Tesco Express) just to imagine feeling those butterflies and that utterly overwhelming connection again. In reality it probably wouldn't even be there anymore. I struggle to accept that I'll never see him or speak to him again. I've had some family bereavements over the last year which have made me realise just how short life is. This is feeding into me thinking about G.
All of this isn't fair on my partner. We've spoken about it and he knows how much the end of the relationship messed me up. I would never do anything to risk my relationship with him. I just want G out of my mind forever.
Can anyone relate? Surely it can't be Limerance after 5 sodding years??
Any advice (other than get a grip - I tell myself this all the time to no avail) would be welcome.