Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Feel like my partner dislikes me.

24 replies

Fran1997 · 25/02/2022 12:47

I have no idea what to think anymore. I don't know if it's all in my head or if what I feel is real. I've been with my partner for a few years and we have one child together and I have a child from a previous relationship. My partner is brilliant with my first child and treats him like his own. After the first few months of the 'honeymoon period' things changed slightly. Nothing major but im at the point now it's driving me mad. My partner and I never do anything together. We've been out for a meal together maybe 3-4 times since we've been a couple. We've been on one weekend away since we got together. We rarely have sex and if we do it's the same position/routine every time. My partner hardly speaks to me when I speak he makes faces like he doesn't care or as if he's bothered by me. He raises his eyebrows as if he's disapproving of everything I'm saying (I'll be talking about a funny conversation at work or something that happened in my day no heavy subjects) sometimes I think he purposefully talks over me just to let me know he wasn't listening and didn't want me to carry on talking. He never tells me I look nice on my birthday he grabbed a £20 gift meanwhile on his birthday a week before I spend £250 on his gift. Their all such small things but it's all added up to the way I feel in this relationship. I feel my partner and I are so separate and have hardly any similar interests. I love him so much and feel if he put effort in we could find things in common we like or we could build a better bond. I feel like he's my teenage son and I'm the annoying mum who keeps asking how his days been. I'm 25 years old and I can't help but feel maybe I need to leave this relationship while I'm still young and able to maybe find a partner again one day. I worry if I stay too long before I know it I'll be at the end of my life wishing I'd made a different choice. I've tried speaking to him about it. He tells me he does love me even if he doesn't show it and tells me to not look at other peoples relationships and what their doing, or tells me my expectations are too high. But I can't be convinced of that. I know there's supposed to be a better connection between a couple than there is between me and my partner. I don't need someone to be at my every beck and call or someone who spoils me I care not at all for any of that I just want to feel like I'm with someone who wants to be with me. I'm so sorry for rambling please someone help

OP posts:

DenholmElliot · 25/02/2022 12:51

I agree with you. It sounds as if your partner doesn't like you. I'm sorry 😞

AffIt · 25/02/2022 13:01

No, it doesn't sound great, and of course you deserve to feel valued, liked and respected in a relationship.

However, you say you have a child from a previous relationship, have been in a relationship with this man for a few years (and another child) and you're only 25? Sounds like a lot of your (relatively short) life has been about other people up until now.

I think the best way forward would be to leave this relationship and concentrate on yourself for a few years - be single, enjoy yourself, make friends (male and female), take up hobbies, think about your career, discover what you like in life.

You will find it easier to find people who value and like you when you value and like yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2022 13:03

This isn't who you should spend the rest of your life with. A healthy relationship makes you feel content and secure, and I don't think you'll ever have this with him. Time to move on.

dotdotdotdash · 25/02/2022 13:19

I agree it does sound like you are not compatible and that you are not getting the support, care and enjoyment you deserve. I would start making plans to end the relationship if I were you.

I'd strongly recommend you listen to the Baggage Reclaim podcast, which is full of insight on personal development and how healthy relationships work. Episode 109, for example, is about the four qualities of a good relationship.

Ludo19 · 25/02/2022 13:20

It's not expecting too much in a relationship to feel listened to and valued. I'm unsure why you love someone so much when he sounds relatively dismissive. You're 25, two children, time for you to be single and concentrate on what you really want out of life, for you and your children. Stay single for a while also.

timewillhealabrokenheart · 25/02/2022 13:31

What are your living arrangements? Did he move in with you, or vice versa, or did you start to rent together?

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2022 13:40

What do you love about someone who doesn’t even seem to like you?

StopStartStop · 25/02/2022 13:46

I went to get my phone specially to answer this!

OP, this is not good enough for you. You are 25. I am 64. I promise you, life passes in an instant. It's worth investing in your own happiness.

Old-woman advice:
Kick that fucker into touch.
You have two babies. Don't have more. You've more flexibility with one or two.
Don't look to fix this relationship. Quietly make you preparations then go. Don't explain. He has amply demonstrated what he thinks of you.
For future reference, don't buy men expensive gifts.
If - when- you leave, don't make finding a partner a priority. Work on loving yourself and building a great life for you and your children. If a man comes along, don't throw away your autonomy and security for the sake of having him around. Take him on terms that suit you.
I hate that you are so sad. It isn't right that a lovely young mum should feel that way. You deserve happiness. Start working towards it.

ChiselandBits · 25/02/2022 14:20

you say you love him and it would be great if only....what? he was actually a totally different person? Did you fall in love with the honeymoon version of him? Because that's never the real person. I'm sorry but I think you're flogging a dead horse here and it will just as long until he meets someone that does float his boat and then it will be a whole new mess. I think you need to confront this and either ask for specific changes and see them through or make plans to leave.

Imonlyhereforthehandwringing · 25/02/2022 14:22

It doesn't matter what he says or everyone else is doing, YOU want something different. He is not what you want, so leave him and find what you do want.

CrumpetStrumpet · 25/02/2022 14:24

You love him? What exactly do you love about him?

He sounds awful. He clearly has no respect for you and telling you you're expectations are too high is classic gaslighting bullshit.

Please get rid. Life is too short to waste on people like him.

Doublevodka · 25/02/2022 14:45

StopStartStop excellent advice.

EarthSight · 25/02/2022 20:01

I actually snorted at this part -

He tells me he does love me even if he doesn't show it - brilliant. So just take his word for it, yeah? Doesn't matter how he behaves - ignore all that. As long as he tells you he loves you, that's enough apparently.

tells me to not look at other peoples relationships and what their doing - yes, God forbid that you look at other couples and wonder why does my partner not treat me like that?

or tells me my expectations are too high - I'm sure they are.....for what he's prepared to give you.

My partner hardly speaks to me when I speak he makes faces like he doesn't care or as if he's bothered by me. He raises his eyebrows as if he's disapproving of everything I'm saying (I'll be talking about a funny conversation at work or something that happened in my day no heavy subjects) sometimes I think he purposefully talks over me just to let me know he wasn't listening and didn't want me to carry on talking

I think you know how friendly, interested, loving people behave like, and it's not this. He's gaslighting you and persuading you to accept less. It sounds like he doesn't respect you very much nor is interested in you as a person anymore.

PantoFine · 26/02/2022 01:58

I mean this kindly OP, but you sound over-anxious about the approval of someone who isn’t actually even very nice.

You’re asking for help here, I understand, but you have to help yourself in this situation by taking a stand on what you want and don’t want in your life, how you will and will not be treated.

Tallisimo · 26/02/2022 02:09

@StopStartStop has it spot on!

2catsandhappy · 26/02/2022 06:53

25!! Dear God. Dump his sneery superior arse. Today would be a good day to do it.

FlipFlops4Me · 26/02/2022 08:08

What @StopStartStop said. I am 65 and agree with every word she said.

Get out of that relationship and then spend a while learning to love and value yourself. If some future partner doesn't love and value you at least as much as you do - huge red flag and don't go there!

layladomino · 26/02/2022 08:40

He is treating you like an irritation. Something to put up with. Like a teenage boy who's annoyed that his mum is trying to talk to him. Like he'd rather be somewhere else.

When someone loves you, you know it. Without any doubt whatsoever. It's apparent in all they say and do. Even when they're in a bad mood, or going through a tough time, you know they love you.

He tells you that he said he loves you so you should believe him -it's laughable (or it would be, if you weren't in this situation). Of course that's not how it works. When someone loves you, they don't have to say it for you to know. It's obvious and apparent. Of course you'll look at other couples and wish he was different. But he doesn't want you to look because he wants you to stay in your box and not question the dregs of a relationship he's willing to give.

You deserve better. You've outgrown him. He isn't capable of a loving, respectful relationship. On the plus side, you are still young, and have most of your life ahead of you. Please don't look back in a yearm, 5 years, 15 years and realise you've wasted more of your time on him.

I would rather be single than unhappy in a relationship. It's a much better place to be.

autienotnaughty · 26/02/2022 09:27

Totally agree based on what you said he doesn't seem happy in the relationship so would make sense to end things. You deserve better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2022 09:55

What do you love about him?
What positive does he bring to your life?
How long were you together before getting pregnant?
Why did you spend so much on his birthday?!
What would you miss if you never saw him again?
Why aren’t you having sex?
You see that other people have better relationships, why are you tolerating this rubbish one?
Do you rely on him financially?
Why don’t you have any common interests? That’s not something you suddenly decide to work on several years down the line.

Onelastgo22 · 26/02/2022 12:26

This really resonated with me.

I felt for a long time that my husband just doesn't like me. We seperated last year.

Telling someone you love them isn't enough. With me, I know that he loves the convenience I bring into his life, but it's never really about me, as a person.

I have dealt with this my entire adult life, don't be me in 10 years time. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier.

Be kind to yourself, he won't be kind to you x

fuckoffImcounting · 26/02/2022 12:41

I feel really angry for you OP. Who does this little shit of a man think he is to treat you with so little respect and concern? Get rid of him before your lovely children start copying his disgusting ways. If I was your mum I would come round there and kick his arse for him.

PerseverancePays · 26/02/2022 12:48

What @stopstartstop said.

He's treating you like an annoying household appliance that talks back. Sounds like he would rather you didn't talk at all.
Being on your own is way better than being in a rubbish relationship. Don't put up with it.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2022 19:27

A quick lesson in boundaries for you, OP:

Don't hang around people who make you feel bad.

That's it. That's everything you need to know about developing healthy, happy, respectful relationships. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

Another way of phrasing the same lesson is:

Go where you feel loved.

It's really very very simple.

Flip