32 and stumped

[Ywnaged]

Hi.

I’m a single 32-yo woman without kids who on paper is doing well. I’m fit and healthy, have friends all over and bought my (much longed for) first home during the pandemic after moving back to my home town. I spent my twenties traveling and working in London and although I keep saying I’ll change my line of work, it gives me a comfy lifestyle.

But.

I ended a relationship back in Jan and it’s thrown me for a loop. Whilst I’ve mostly loved being on my own and without all the shite that came with him, at one stage I was really in love. Before he let me down I thought he was the real deal. Prior to him I was engaged to someone who also let me down so it’s fair to say singledom is new territory.

I find myself on dating sites disappointed with the chat/type of people I’m in contact with who are mostly time wasters. I’ve been wfh for the past two years and feel a little cut off from having work friends who were a big part of my pre-pandemic life.

I’m doing all the things everyone tells you to do when you’re single; I play a team sport (badly), I learn languages, I took on a lodger, I’m studying for something to help with my job and I make an effort to see local friends although many are busy with their lives given they have small kids. I don’t envy them as that’s not the set up I want.

But.

I’m not happy lately and I’m wondering where it is I ‘fit in’. I’ve never had a best friend outside of being in a relationship and all the things I’m doing aren’t really fulfilling to me right now. I don’t know how to change things or whether I should be dating. I’m finding it hard to see where a bloke would fit into myself right now given I’m so independent and wouldn’t be looking for someone to have kids/buy a house with etc.

I’ve had a stressful week at work and I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself, Mumsnetters. Plus I’m on a diet and blo0dy starving so that isn’t helping 😆

What would you do if you were me? Things great on paper but not feeling good right now. I don’t know what to do next.

You don't need to do anything. Try to accept that you're having a bit of a wobble but overall it sounds like you quite enjoy your life. You are still very young and there is lots of scope for change and your life to spin off in a new direction if that's what you want.
You sound clear about not wanting to grab anyone to settle down and have kids which is a real positive. Quite self aware to realise you want change but not necessarily along the lines if societal norms.

@Roundthetwistyroad thanks. I think I’m just struggling to know what it is that I do want partner wise. Maybe I’m wasting people’s time by being out on apps so soon. Maybe I need a bit overhaul.

It's pretty soon since the breakup, it might take a while to adjust. I'd try to diversify your friend group a bit, maybe try something new or pick up an old interest that fell by the wayside.

Tbf if you're not looking for kids or living together then I don't think you've much to worry about. Men are going to come and go throughout life. It's just that currently, you're single.

I'm in the same boat kids wise and I'm relieved as I can't say I've ever met a guy that I could picture having kids with. Really feel for women who are running out of time and just settle.

I would however love to be in love...hopefully a few times, whilst I'm still young. It sounds like you've ticked those boxes already though right? So you're doing good so far!

Just relax and take things as they come.

@Pinkbonbon haha, yes I’ve had relationships. However given that they’ve crashed and burned I’m not convinced I’m doing well in that respect!

As for hobbies that have fallen by the wayside, well, that’s exactly what I’ve done. And I’m feeling in a funk with it like ‘what’s the point in this?’

I suspect I’m simply not used to being on my own and finding friends more like me would help.

I suppose they all have to end sometime lol.
Maybe work on avoiding toxic sorts? But then, no break up is fun tbf.

Couldn't harm to take some time single and see what else makes you happy.

Your in your early 30s where you probably see most of your peers like you said have got young children and are now involved in a family lifestyle so don't have much free time on their hands,
But you are in a better stage than most in life, you've got your "shit" together, own house, career, not married, no kids, you have the freedom to do whatever you want in life with no restrictions holding you back, you will have the pick of the crop when it comes to blokes with your current lifestyle, I would only settle for someone at the same stage in life as your self.

If I was you right now I'd be making a bucket list of all the things I want to do.

Say going to France and taking a cooking course or hiking x mountain.

I miss the freedom to just decide which way I want my life to go, I now have a baby and a husband. I did choose those things too and I'm glad but its fair to say trips to Paris on my own to wander around galleries seems far off.

I'm in the exact same position.

Recent break up, but own a house by myself, and have a good job. I've also taken up a few new hobbies! I've got on Bumble to make new friends, and I've met a few really nice people, we've formed a small group.

Most days I'm happy, but other days I feel sorry for myself - even though I know I didn't want kids with my exboyfriends. None of the relationships were right for bringing kids up.

I'm just focussing on enjoying the house by myself and meeting up with friends and family whenever I can. The pandemic has been shit for planning trips and other distractions.

I don't think it matters that you're independent, you can still date people if you want to. I'm personally still not quite ready for dating since my break up - but I do want start looking later this year. Maybe focus on widening your friendship circles?

That has massively helped me. My break up was Jan 2021 ... I'm only really coming out of the other side now, since it's the first time I've been single for longer than a few weeks since I was 17! It takes a while to get used to your own company and what you want to do with your time. You really can do ANYTHING you want though - no compromises with your time and money.

Do you want children Op? Would you consider going at it alone if you didn't meet someone in time?

I'd look into freezing my eggs so you have 'insurance' policy to some degree (to preserve fertility).

I'm a solo mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor). I went through a period in my 30s where I did lots of 'activities' (lots of dating/situationships/going out/'hobbies'), I just got very exasperated/bored with it all (felt like I was repeating my 20s), it all started to feel like time-filling rather than a genuine interest in some of these things. I was very restless.

I realised I wanted a family - simple. I wanted to nurture, develop, hopefully have a long-lasting relationship with my child/experience parenthood/a new challenge. Pregnancy/birth. Create my own family.

I'm no longer having 'existential crisis' of what to do myself and how to fill my time. It's different. My previous life was fine it was just getting all a bit the same. I'm currently seeing someone I used to date, it is so different now as we're both understanding of each others' needs, no pressure to 'escalate' a relationship in a particular direction.

What do you want out of romantic a relationship? What other ways can you connect with people?

I’d say be open to dating but don’t feel any pressure to be continually looking for someone. I’m also in my 30s and since buying my own place I’ve realised that I never want to have a live-in partner and so I suppose that limits potential partners but that’s fine by me. I see dating as something fun and entertaining but not compulsory, so there’s less pressure when things don’t work out or when nobody suitable appears for months at a time.
I also think the pandemic is still affecting socialising and hobbies etc, though we are technically free to do everything I think a lot of people are yet to get back into the swing of pre-Covid life so I’m sure you will gradually meet more people if you keep up with occasional new hobbies etc. Maybe concentrate on making plans to socialise with and visit friends for a few months and reassess after that.

I read that one of the things to do when you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself is to do something for others. Like helping a friend or volunteering.

You should be proud that your life is so sorted, but maybe you are a bit inward looking? And you’ve only just ended a relationship, so why not allow yourself time to get over that?

@Anthurium I really admire what you have done and relate to a lot of what you have written about your thirties being a repeat of the same old. The only time I have considered having children has been in the early days with a new partner. I’d consider freezing my eggs by way of insurance but as it stands I a) don’t want children and b) suspect that only if I met the right person would that outlook change. In terms of a relationship, well it would be lovely to be in love. To have delicious dinners and trips away and fun but I don’t think I see marriage and children as the ultimate goal. I’m slightly worried that I don’t fit in anywhere l. Perhaps having my own family would help in that respect but perhaps it wouldn’t.

@Lampan you’ve landed on something that I’ve realised in recent months.. I now can’t imagine sharing my living space with another man! I’ve lived with diff partners on 3 separate occasions and now I have my own place it’s like ‘nope’. Reading the threads on here and hearing about some of my friends’ moans about ‘that’s men for you’ only confirm this position. I’m not anti men by any means, I’m just not sure I could live with one again.

@Youcunnyfunt, I hear you loud and clear! Freedom = great, feeling sorry = not so great. Well done you for staying single for this length of time and doing things your own way. I do recognise this is a lovely position in many ways. If you were local to me we could pal up! I think I miss being around other, single people so seeing friends down south next week will help. I hope.

@FriendProblem yes, I’ve heard this too. My background includes a lot of volunteering and recent attempts to support local have fallen flat. My local age-related charity (I really wanted to befriend the elderly) are overrun by applications, I look after people’s dogs and I’m always a listening ear for pals. So I don’t know what more I can do on that score.

But perhaps it’s all just too soon. I met someone for a drink last night and went to sleep thinking about my ex. :/

No advice but your doing great. Far better than me. Just keep looking after yourself and give yourself time to work out what you want.

Im looking into egg freezing as I do want kids. But it's expensive and invasive, given you're pretty sure you don't, I don't think it's worth doing.

I have quite a few friends who definitely don't want children - maybe you need to find that crowd, and they can help you work out things you want from life. In a way its simpler to trundle down the standard "marriage and two kids" path to finding a purpose in life, but don't do that if it's not what you actually want! Its just trickier to see other paths to meaning because they are less trodden.

As for hobbies that have fallen by the wayside, well, that’s exactly what I’ve done. And I’m feeling in a funk with it like ‘what’s the point in this

It helped me to realise there is no point to this. We're not here to change the world, there are no 'shoulds' about how we lead our lives, nobody is looking over us and judging whether we're doing it right.

So do whatever you please. And if you don't feel like doing anything, don't. It's very liberating. If you don't know what to do, do nothing. None of us do nothing all our lives, something always comes up.

@MMMarmite

Im looking into egg freezing as I do want kids. But it's expensive and invasive, given you're pretty sure you don't, I don't think it's worth doing.

I have quite a few friends who definitely don't want children - maybe you need to find that crowd, and they can help you work out things you want from life. In a way its simpler to trundle down the standard "marriage and two kids" path to finding a purpose in life, but don't do that if it's not what you actually want! Its just trickier to see other paths to meaning because they are less trodden.

"Trundling along marriage and two kids" is actually difficult to achieve! As in, finding a suitable partner who you fancy/want to live with/ marry and they want all these things too with you, at the same time...these milestones really aren't always a question of choice for many. A lot of people fail to realise them

My bestie is very happy in her home, living her life. Yes, a family would make her dreams but she’s not willing to compromise on what she has. Someone will fit in, but if they don’t, she’ll have still been happy. Life asks a lot, but happiness is made by our own standards.

@Watchkeys thank you, that’s an interesting perspective. Not everything does have to have a point, you’re right. I think I’m just waiting for something to come up 😔

@Musttryharder2021 Oh I know, I'm failing to achieve them myself! But I do think it is a simpler path, because you are fitting the standard model in society, and many things are set up for couples and families.

@MMMarmite

I'm going to slightly derail to thread a little.

Yes, things are simpler by not following conventions, but most people want enriching connections with others. I chose to control an element of this "standard model" by having a child on my own via a sperm donor...I actually want to have a family, very "standard" it's proving to be a really nice dimension in my life. So I'm sort of following standard conventions but also not....

I don't really want to be "alternative" as in I am enough for myself type of existence. I think we all need a level of recognition and validation from others that can be via parental/sibling/romantic relationships otherwise you'd just exist in a void.

After a breakup it's only reasonable to be feeling like this. I was older than you when I had this feeling.

Looking back, it was a real turning point for me, an empowering experience -even though it didn't feel like this atm.

This is a great time, to figure out your self, entertain new ideas/hobbies/friends etc, and think about how your future would be.

Wishing you all the best, I'm here for a chat if you want x

You're not alone in this OP. I have similar feelings to @Lampan and questioning whether I want the traditional things society expects at the moment.

@janeseymour78 right?! I feel like my mates are doing soft play and I’m doing soft furnishings - alone…