What would you do?

[TaleOfTerror]

I've been seeing someone for a few months. Despite it being early days, it's something that we are both very certain about. Due to our ages (40s/50s) we both know ourselves well and know what we are looking for. No doubts about me and him at all.

He was previously in a relationship for 9 years that had just run it's course. We've known each other for a few years but nothing was even said between us until after they'd split up.

I also know her. We are all 'friends' on fb and there is no animosity although I do know she was upset when they split up and again upset when she found out we were together.

Anyway. This weekend, we will all be at an event together. I'm not sure what to do. Do I say hello? I'm happy to tone down the affection but I'm not sure where the line is between being considerate of her feelings and saying its been a few months now, and we're all adults and it's time to move on.

Basically, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable amd awkward but I dot want us to be walking on eggshells and prioritising her feelings over ours.

I haven't seen or spoken to her since we got together and I know their communication is amicable.

Sorry if that all sounds blunt, I just wanted to be succinct. I'm not unfeeling about it. That's why I'm asking. Thanks.

The alternative would be to blank her, which would be rude and surely upsetting for her?

Oh I have no intention of blanking her.

I suppose my question was more about how 'together' we should appear. We are generally very affectionate - arms around each other and handholding. Not snogging on the dance floor.

I'm not sure whether to expect to be 'normal' with him or a bit more 'hands off'.

Will you all be there in a group together, talking to one another, sitting at the same table etc.? Would you normally put your arms round one another in a situation like that? (Personally I find there's less handholding and hugging in that kind of situation anyway, than when just out and about on your own as a couple.)

How long was it between them splitting up and you getting together?
If it was only a short time then I think you should be more “hands off”.

I think you've got to be sensitive to her - it's not about prioritising her feelings. He has told you "their relationship had run it's course" but she might not have known that!

She could be dreading seeing you, so I think for one day you can prioritise her feelings.

I'd say reasonably 'hands off' for the event, approach her separately to say 'hello' as early as you can. How long between the end of their relationship and yours? As a PP says, if it was short then be extra discreet. None of this detracts from your enjoyment or happiness so it would be kind to consider her

Unfortunately, not as long between relationships as would have been ideal. But it was just how it worked out.

We're unlikely to be all together for the evening but we would be visible to her. I think I'll keep it 'hands off'.

I'd feel a bit awkward about it anyway. I just needed somewhere to process my thoughts without friends telling me I was overthinking it!

And I like the idea of approaching her separately early on to say hello. I'll definitely do that.

@TaleOfTerror

Unfortunately, not as long between relationships as would have been ideal. But it was just how it worked out.

We're unlikely to be all together for the evening but we would be visible to her. I think I'll keep it 'hands off'.

I'd feel a bit awkward about it anyway. I just needed somewhere to process my thoughts without friends telling me I was overthinking it!

Think about what you would want if you were in her position. As PP said, she might not have been aware that their relationship had run its course until he finished things.

“Not as long between relationships as would have been ideal”?? How long? Weeks, months? If he got with you, ostensibly her “friend” very quickly after leaving her, she might suspect something had happened before (and most people on here would agree, whether it was true or not). After 9 years, it will be painful, so yes, I would be sensitive to her feelings and stay pretty hands off.