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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused (but not sexually)

6 replies

Josephine77 · 25/02/2022 05:56

(Sorry long post) I invited my friend over last night as she rang me in tears. My DH is away with work at the moment, but I had 2 out of my 3 adult kids in the house (in their rooms) she arrived crying and smelling like she’d had a drink (I was completely sober) she said she was really upset as it was her cousins funeral (we both live in a different country to where we were born) and she’d had a row with her DH as he was ‘unemotional and cold’ about the situation. I’ve met him, and that’s quite a fair description of him in general. She proceeded to drink another bottle of wine - I told her to slow diwn tried to get her to eat etc, but she was having none of it. She got more emotional the more she drank. Then she made a pass at me. She kept insisting she wanted a ‘proper kiss’ off me, and kept counting down saying ‘when I get to zero you’ve got to do it’ I kept telling her no, and that I loved her as a friend but nothing else (I’ve been happily narrued for 22 years) but she became quite forceful and insistent. I told her that it was time to go home. I had to get my oldest son to help me get her in my car (she wanted to drive her own car and struggled with me over that) on the way to her house she was trying to feel my legs, boobs and was pulling my hair. It was horrendous. I was trying to distract her, and obviously pushing her hands away. When I got her home, I had to bang on the door to get her husband up, then we both had to help her get in the house. I sent her a message later explaining that what she’d done was not on, that I was really upset, and she needed to get help with her actions and drinking. I said it was coming from a place of friendship, that I obviously understood she was emotional, but that was never an excuse for that kind of behaviour. She saw the message in the morning and replied that she was ‘sorry’ but had ‘no recollection’ of what had happened. I’m just not sure I can carry on with the friendship if she can’t take any responsibility. For context approx 3 months ago a friend told me that she had been ousted from their group for behaving really badly (including sexual overtones) on a day trip involving drink. I’ve known my friend for 8 years and never seen anything like this from her so tbh I pretty much dismissed it. When I was 6 I was sexually assaulted by an older girl known to my family, so this experience has really affected me. However, the other thing that really bothers me is that I’ve been hit in by other women known to me whilst we’ve been out/they’ve been drunk (I don’t really drink much) and now after this experience I’m really starting to think it’s my fault? I’ve never fancied women, never been even curious. I have a very happy fulfilled marriage. Am I giving off the wrong signals, am I ‘too nice’ am I seen as a ‘pushover’ I’m just so upset and completely confused.

OP posts:
Tiger2018 · 25/02/2022 09:29

oh OP that sounds like an awful experience to go through, especially as you were trying to be a good supportive friend. Doesn't matter what gender your friend is - this is not your fault. If this had been a male friend of yours, would you be doubting yourself in the same way?

If your friend has behaved this way with others too and has a problem with knowing when to stop drinking - its a recipe for disaster.

You do not have to remain friends after what happened. Please don't feel responsible for anothers actions either.

Josephine77 · 25/02/2022 12:02

Tiger2018, thank you so much for that. I really needed to hear it from someone as I’ve been going over it in my head all day, replaying if I’d said or done anything to warrant it. I’m so mad at myself, as I’m the first one who would tell someone else it definitely wasn’t their fault, or they hadn’t done anything to warrant that behaviour. I guess when it’s yourself you just can’t help but look inward.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/02/2022 12:12

How odd. Do you think she is bi or just desperate for any kind of affection? Or is she maybe thinking to set up some sort of threesome partner situation for her husband?

I dunno that I would have sent her home in that state considering what she said about him being cold with her. Though I guess there wasn't much of an alternative.

I'd make a point of having a calm, coffee catch up with her sober some time. See what's actually going on. And advise her that you won't be around her when she is drinking in future.

Itwasntmeright · 25/02/2022 12:14

This has nothing to do with you or your sexuality OP, I’m a lesbian and I wouldn’t find this behavior acceptable either, in the same way that you wouldn’t find it acceptable from a man. Drinking to oblivion is not an excuse for this, if I’d behaved like that, and I never have and very much doubt I ever would, I would be absolutely horified, apologizing profusely and making sure I never put myself in that situation ever again.

If she has form for this sort of thing and refuses to take any responsibility, she’s not going to change her behavior, is she? You would not be unreasonable to back away from the friendship if that’s what you choose to do.

Sexual harassment and sexual assault is not acceptable, whether it’s a man or a woman doing it, whether they are pissed or not.

Josephine77 · 25/02/2022 19:05

Pinkbonbon I think you may be right about the affection thing, obviously I’m not in their relationship, but he does appear quite cold. Unfortunately I couldn’t let her stay as the situation had got the point where I needed to get her away from me. Her DH came to the door, helped her in the house etc, almost like he was used to it. I wasn’t worried about leaving her, I’m absolutely sure he would have been ok with her. Great advice re the quiet coffee , but it’ll take me a few days to build up to that.

OP posts:
Josephine77 · 25/02/2022 19:08

Itwasntmeright. Completely agree with everything you said, thank you

OP posts:
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