I’m shocked, scared, and happy all at the same time

[HappyScaredShocked]

Backstory; I left my H in 2017 due to extreme violence and control. I’ve had counselling and done the freedom programme. My counsellors describe the abuse as some of the worst they’ve ever heard which surprised me as I don’t think it’s that bad. My counsellors say I disassociate a lot with the feelings around that time and relationship.

I have a best friend, I’ll call her L. L and I have been friends since before I split with my H. She is the funniest, loveliest, most kind person I have ever met.

L chatted to me for hours in the middle of the night when I split with my H, took me out for expensive meals and paid for it all when I was an unemployed and newly single mum. She’s looked after me and I can never thank her enough.

She’s getting married in a few years time, she’s been with her fiancé forever, and he also the loveliest guy in the world. I was so happy for her when he proposed.

L told me she was engaged before anyone else including her mum knew. She asked me if me and my DD would be her bridesmaids before she’d even announced her engagement. I was shocked at being asked, and honoured and of course said yes.

Today she’s told me that if it wasn’t for the fact she had a sister who she can’t risk falling out with I’d have been her maid of honour. I cried reading that; shock, scared that someone felt like that, and happy she felt like that.

I asked why she felt like that and she said I am the strongest person she knows, I always put other people before myself and that’s why it probably went so horribly wrong with my H. She said that when she split with her previous partner DD was only tiny (less than a month old) and I still gave up hours and hours of my time to talk to her, see her, spend time with her when I should have been spending time with my new baby.

I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling quite scared that someone feels like that – L would never hurt me so I don’t feel threatened I don’t think, I just feel odd and scared and happy at the same time.

I’m rambling and not making sense I don’t think. But can anyone understand my feelings and help me unpick them?

I can't really unpick it for you but just how lovely that you have a friend that has a truly sincere respect and affection for you. I also have a friend like this and we have both said that when we are together the world seems a better place. I would call her my soulmate as a friend. We have both had shitty relationships and I think we really appreciate our friendship because we genuinely totally adore each other warts and all. It's unconditional I guess. There is something quite liberating about that.

Abuse wrecks your self-esteem and many people who go through abuse have low self-esteem in the first place. My guess is that the way she feels about you is scary because you don't understand how someone could hold you in such high esteem. It's challenging your view of yourself. You've done so much work and come so far, it just shows there's still a wee bit further to go. Her view of you doesn't match up with your view of you, and that's sometimes quite hard to accept.

I mean, if one of my pals said that to me I'd just say 'damn right I should be your MoH.' (Apart from one of them actually cos her sister is awesome.) I think highly of myself (some would say too highly...)

Thank you both, the low self-esteem makes sense @MaChienEstUnDick I don't think very highly of myself at all, in fact I think I'm nothing special and just do what I have to.

I just came on to echo what people above said. You are absolutely worth it; you gave her your time just as much as she gave you hers; it feels good to help others and you have her the opportunity for that in your hour of need.
And too right you should be a part of her special day, how lovely you can celebrate together. Have the BEST time, treat yourselves and enjoy every minute. This is your new life

Your friend obviously disagrees, as do I. You got free, you protected your DD and now you are doing the hard, hard work of putting yourself back together. That's not nothing, by a very long chalk.

I think you are just learned what it is to be valued by someone who loves you, and I'm very happy for you. Please enjoy the honour!

Aww this made me feel emotional reading it- what a lovely relationship you have with your friend ❤️ well done on your courage, bravery and determination, you sound amazing ❤️

You are a lovely, compassionate person who is clearly not used to being told that.

Take time to accept the compliment.
It was clearly well meant and intended.

The world needs a lot more altruistic people like you OP

You sound absolutely lovely OP. I'm not surprised your friend thinks so too! So happy for you that you could get out of your terrible relationship. What an incredible feat! You got you and your DD out and still found time to help your friend x

You sound pretty awesome to me, OP!

I'm crying at these replies, I really don't deserve them.

You sound lovely @HappyScaredShocked, as does your friend.

It is ok to feel overwhelmed. You are amazing

It seems like your friend really respects you as a strong and capable person. She’s probably right!!