I'm more damaged than i realised

[PonyPatter44]

I split up with my unpleasant exH almost seven years ago, after 22 years of a really grim relationship. We both worked full-time, and he earned extremely well, but despite this, we lived permanently in the depths of our overdraft, and i used to hold my breath at Aldi when i put my PIN in the machine in case it declined. We never went on family holidays after DD was about 5, because "we couldn't afford it". Turned out that he was basically drinking virtually every penny (and there were a LOT of pennies) and what didn't go on drink went on rugby trips. Our daughter never ever went hungry, but I did, once or twice.

He left six and a half years ago, the ex-marital home is sold, and i am with another man. He has a normal job, our household income is nothing to boast about but we have a nice house and a decent enough standard of living. We have money left over at the end of the month. We go on holiday. I am, quite honestly, besotted with him. He is a good honest caring man who makes me feel safe and secure and deeply loved, and i love him in return (sorry for the sick-bucket moment).

However, I recently changed my car insurance, and cancelled the DD without realising I still had a payment due. I got a stroppy email and a couple of texts from the insurance company with the threat of being passed to a debt collection agency. Its all sorted now (took 15 minutes) but the physical reaction to those words absolutely floored me. I felt sick, i felt shaky, it was right back to ten years ago when there was no money, when i didn't answer the phone because it was so often creditors looking for money, when i was afraid of putting petrol in the car in case I couldnt pay at the kiosk, and when there was always someone big, volatile, and drunk in the house.

I think i am just posting this to get it all out. Its horrifying to realise how much damage staying in a relationship like that can do, and how you can suddenly be reminded of it in such a visceral way. i wish DD and I had got out years before we did.

Have you had any therapy since your previous relationship ended OP? That sounds like a very visceral flash back and I would imagine you probably have more held in somewhere too. I'm pleased you are in a positive relationship now but perhaps it's time to unpick what was going on in that previous relationship for you?

@coffeeisthebest

Have you had any therapy since your previous relationship ended OP? That sounds like a very visceral flash back and I would imagine you probably have more held in somewhere too. I'm pleased you are in a positive relationship now but perhaps it's time to unpick what was going on in that previous relationship for you?

Yes - this. It's so good that you're out of the awful situation you were in but you're right that it may have had an effect on you. Maybe now is the time to try and get yourself some therapy. You could have a form of PTSD which needs treatment to get over. A sudden anxiety attack like that needs investigating.

Poverty coupled with stress leaves deep scars. I would practice mindfulness and tell myself that was then but now is now. Its a perfectly normal reaction to have. Its not what happens to us - its the story we tell ourselves. Great you are in a positive place but that was the past.

Personally I don't think the worry of being skint ever goes. I remember living on jam and bread so dc could eat...and when food was 'rationed' with covid I felt ill thinking we wouldn't have enough in.

I was a single parent, at uni so not entitled to any benefits at all apart from an enhanced (could borrow more 🙄) student loan.

I lived just as you described financially but not with that fear of uncertainty because I had no-one.

I am now pretty comfortable but still count pennies and can’t go into my overdraft without feeling like a failure. Poverty absolutely gets into your bones.

Keep in mind that what you've had is a perfectly normal response. You've been conditioned by circumstance, as we all are. Someone who gets bitten by a dog remains viscerally scared of dogs, and we all understand that, even when they're faced with a perfectly calm, friendly dog.

You've had a similar experience. It's ok to feel upset by stuff like this, but don't make the mistake of being upset with yourself for being upset. It's totally normal. You're totally normal.

Our brains store things that frightened us or caused immense stress as a survival mechanism. Sadly they will react in the same way in the present moment, despite the original threat no longer happening, as if it actually was. That’s the way triggers work. Logically you know there are no real financial worries, but in that millisecond your brain remembers that those thoughts triggered your fight or flight response originally, and thinks it’s helping you by giving you the same response. It’s normal OP and once you know how it works it’s easier to deal with. If it’s constantly recurring, causing frequent stress or anxiety and interfering with your ability to cope with day to day life, then look into counselling to help you deal with the triggers and unpick what happened in the past. It’s a shadow imprinted on your brain from past mental trauma and very common given what you went through. Our brain’s fight or flight mechanism is ancient and basically designed to make you run from or be able to fight whatever it is that stressed us. The mechanism isn’t sophisticated enough to differentiate between something with big teeth that wants to eat us and a benign reminder of a past traumatic event, so a mere thought or reminder causes exactly the same response as if it were still happening. Look into counselling but please realise that whilst distressing, this is a normal response to past stress. Take care X