So angry and upset - please help me calm down

[FeelingSoMad]

I have name changed for this. Just checking it works

I have never name changed before and not quite sure why I have, but...

DH has always been prone to outbursts of anger over trivial things, he is a terribly angry driver, always flashing at people and three times in the last week has yelled and swron in front of the dc in the car. DS2 has started mimicking him and even asked me "you ok mummy" when it happened yesterday. I was upset about this but calmly asked DH every time to stop swearing in front of them.

He has started rows over nothing several times in teh last couplde of weeks and I have remained calm each time even though I have been upset. On one occasioni he told me my perspective was so warped that he didn't know how I did my job. I was really upset by this as it felt like if I don't agree with him I get treated like a moron. Again, I didn't get riled and let it go.

Yesterday he got angry in the car because someone flashed at him. Later last night he started a really silly row with me over the heating (he keeps going outside and smoking and then coming in and and saying how cold the house is). I said I didn't think the house was cold and he started ranting at me at how I thought I was always right. This is a favourite if his - just because I don't agree with him. (I am usually the cold one and have lost count of how many times I have sat in a freezing cold car because he is too hot and starts ranting about it until I switch the heating off) All sounds really petty I know, so again I let it go and went to bed.

He then came into the bedroom where I was just about to go to sleep and get a much needed early night and started on at me again about how I thought I was always right about everything, for example, about how I don't look after the dc properly and they are not physically safe with me, but I refuse to be "told". He cited an example whereby 2 days ago I had got DS2 (age 2) out of the car in an empty carpark at the park, put him on the ground to my right and opened the car door to my left to get out DS1 and DS2 ran round behind me and into the car door as I was opening it. He bumped his head on the door, no harm done, we had a cuddle, and there wasn't even a bump or a single red mark later, DS1 was fine within a minute, but the look DH gave me was as if I had dropped him on his head deliberatly, really vitriolic and hateful. It was an accident. It's true I am a bit clumsy but I don't have eyes in the back of my head and DS2 is as clumsy as me, he is always running into doors, tables, etc - surely this is part of being a toddler? Neither child (touch wood) has ever hurt themselves with more than a graze or a cut.

I just feel like last night was a deliberate attempt to wind me up and make me angry, which he did. He then seemed to be satisfied and started saying how irrational I was once I started shouting back at him.

Meanwhile I have been so upset and fuming that I have only had 3 hours sleep and the lovely day I had planned with DS1 (taking him out) is ruined. I am so supet I can't stop crying.

Sorry, correction, neither dc has ever cut themselves. Neither has ever had more than a graze, and very very rarely, in fact the only times i can recall that happening is at nursery and them coming home with it.

FSM he obviously has anger management problems, but it sounds like he's turning into a bully. Has he ever acknowledged he is prone to anger?

YANBU being upset -the thing is how to move forward, as to live with it as it is (getting worse by the sounds of it) is unhealthy for both your DC's & you. You also do NOT deserve to be treated like this.

Would he ever be in a good enough mood to calmly discuss things or would he fly off the handle at the mention of HIM having faults?

Maybe you need to stand up to him (difficult I know) & tell him you refuse to listen to a tirade but you'd be happy to discuss things calmly once he starts to use reasonable language & stop shouting.

How about the "Ok you're angry but could you tell me why without shouting?"

Soo difficult for you-could it be a physical health issue making him worse?

i can understand how upset you're feeling. DP gets angry sometimes especially if he has had a bad day, but like u i try adn stay calm. I don't have any helpful suggestions i'm afraid.
Just remember you are a good mum, accident's happen and u can't watch them 24/7 Men just don't always understand this and always want to be right.
Sounds like he might have other things bothering him and is taking it out on you, other drivers etc.

Thanks, bossy - I do feel like I am being bullied, and yes, in a calm moment he would probably listen to what I have to say. He has suffered a very recent loss of a close family member and also has some unresolved childhood stuff and I am aware that this is probably at the root of it. On a good day I can let it go over my head but I feel like I can't take any more right now.

I am also so fed up of him telling me that I think I am always right just because I won't be bullied into agreeing with him.

The funny thing is though that he never used to shout or even raise his voice, it was always me who did. I have stopped doing it and become more calm and rational lately and it's almost as if he misses the drama.

Thanks Shanna, maybe I just let it get to me last night. I do think I can take criticism but I didn't feel this was really founded. Everyone knows that children have accidents.

The irony is that he is always telling me what a wonderful mum I am, and he would accept that I am far more experienced in raising the dc (because I talk to other mums, read books, etc)and he would defer to me on most things to do with them. Maybe he really is worried about their physical safety because he loves them so much, but he doesn't seem to allow any room for me, him or the dc to be human and imperfect. To me, it was just one of those things, and no harm done, to him it is something he feels the need to lecture me on.

Sorry FSM, you really don't deserve this treatment and please don't keep making excuses for him. Whatever he has been through he has no right to take it all out irrationally on you. It's simply not fair. I think he needs to get some counselling or something, that might enable him to deal with his issues - they are big by the sound of it. You are right not to accept his behaviour, you need to be very clear about that with him.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you manage to salvage today somehow for you and Ds

Thanks very much. I know there is no excuse for his behaviour and I told him this morning I'm not prepared to put up with it any longer. He looked very sheepish and apologised and gave me a hug. I told him how I feel, that I feel bullied and that he is asking for perfection from me all the time. I asked him if he thought he had anger management issues and he smiled. It's an opening to talk about it later.

I also asked if he really thought I was careless with the children and he said no, but that he worried about them so much. I was just wondering if possibly losing his close relative has made him hyper-anxious about the dc. Not an excuse but maybe a reason. He sometimes attacks when he is actually scared, he has done it before, it's like he's trying to gain control over something uncontrollable by controlling me. Anyway, I will talk to him about it later. He does listen to what I say. I think counselling would be excellent for him but does anyone know a man who would actually go (unless threatened that you'd leave or something)?

Anyway, he is going to look after DS1 for a bit while I go back to bed and then I can still have my day out with my lovely boy (the little one ).

I do think DH and I have a fundamental difference of opinion over safety. I feel you can't watch them every second and that, up to a point, they learn about danger by getting the odd bump here and there.

I feel DH wants to wrap them up in cotton wool, is forever saying "No, DS1, don't jump on that, don't do that DS2".

I guess we will just have to meet each other half way on that.

You might think this is a bit OTT but could you suggest to your DH that he has counselling? It sounds as if he has deeper issues that are underlying his anger. He could always go to his GP- or you could- to find out what the enxt step could be. In order for people to control theri nager they first need to know what buttons are being pressed so they can control that! Sounds like he has an issue with control - that is, always wanting to be in control.

Ah well if he looked sheepish & gave you a hug then maybe he IS feeling ashamed of himself which shows at least he is aware it's unnacceptable. Keep up the talking about it with him-maybe if he feels you are still prepared to talk but NOT be bullied it might be a step towards accepting professional help. I think you're right his recent loss has obviously triggered off some deep seated problenms & he's lashing out.

Would he condsider Relate? Either both together or each to their own counsellor? or a bereavement counsellor for him? The other thing I was thinking of was to suggest to him to see his GP & just have an "MOT" in case there is any underlying physical problem too- it might lead to him discussing things with the GP & getting some advice.

Sounds like you've calmed him by standing your ground so good for you! Don't let him get away with it though, just because he's apologised!!

Thanks everyone. Was feeling really desparate this morning but DH and I have talked a bit and he agrees that it is his loss that has triggered the anxiety over the children - when I suggested it he started to look really sad and had tears in his eyes so I think that's a clue. We have talked quite a lot about our views on the dc today and I don't think our childrearing ideas are so dissimilar. I think, as all of you suggested, the issues run deeper, but I'm glad I stood my ground and am so grateful for you, the 6 a.m rescue team - thanks again! Will raise the issue of counselling when the dust has settled a bit...

FWIW, my DP lost his brother to leukaemia 8 years ago, and for a couple or three years after that, every time i had a cold he'd get really angry - "You're always ill, why's this dragging on so long?", when i had 2/3 colds a year that lasted a week each.
His brother had a cold that just didn't go away, which was how his condition presented itself.
It's irrational, and it does need addressing, and your DH has to realise that he's doing this - although it looks like he has already.
i know this sounds odd, but could he be angry at the person who's died, for dying?
if so, then he's taking it out on the living, which isn't unusual.
keep on standing your ground, and he'll thank you for it, as this behaviour can run away with itself, and people can become more and more anxious.
hope it gets sorted soon.

Minou, thanks, that's really helpful. This was the closest person to him in his whole life other than me, and I have never lost anyone that close so have no idea what it's like or what to expect. However, he spends much of his time being very upbeat and positive and the irony was that before the row about the heating he had been joking around with me minutes earlier and I had just been looking at him and thinking that he seemed over it alarmingly quickly. He seems to go from being fine to this sudden anger in seconds. So it does seem likely it is connected. He has told me many times that me and the kids are the only people that matter for him now, and I wonder whether this angers and scares him at the same time.

However, I can't and won't put up with it and I have told him that.

He also told me a few weeks ago that he knows he is difficult at times, and that he respects me because there is a line he can't cross with me. I hope I have drawn it clearly this time.

Losing somwone close affects you in ways you cannot ever predict.

Anxiety about existing family memebers is completely classic, even if it is warped or rechanneled. I was overwhelmed with anxiety about losing dp after I suffered a close bereavement, to the point he had to phone me when setting off from work (10 minutes drive away) so I knew when he would be home. I would panic if he was 30 seconds late, and I mean really panic.

Bereavement also causes intense anger, which may be being redirected at you. Not ideal but it does happen. I think you should contact Cruse who wil help you realise what is happening with him.

Was he like this before his bereavement?

Sorry for your loss Fizzbuzz. That makes a lot of sense though.

He has always been a bit passive aggressive, and has never been able to express himself very well emotionally. But it has definitely been very pronounced in recent weeks since his loss. Don't get me wrong, he has never been violent or physically threatened me and I have never felt afraid of him (nor have the kids). He is normally very quiet and his angry outbursts are usually short lived and confined to a bit of shouting and swearing. It was more the goading and trying to wind me up (or so it seemed to me) that bothered me last night.

And I can give as good as I get, have got a very sharp tongue when I get riled (you should have heard me last night). But it takes a lot to get me going, I am pretty calm and easy going most of the time where he seems to get upset easily these days.

Sorry if he is being difficult, I really suspect it is the loss. It can make you really irritable, as all you want to concentrate on is greiving, but life gets in the way!

Perhaps he should pay a visit to his GP