Freezing during sex - and suggestions?

[Armadillosheep]

Is there anyway past this?
Dh and I have only had sex maybe six times in the last six years. He’d like to have sex more frequently - obviously.
The problem is I think yes I can do it, and then when it comes to it I have to disassociate and really make myself do it. Afterwards I cry and feel like I’ve been violated in some way. I’ve no history of abuse or anything, it just feels wrong.
It doesn’t matter if we take it slowly. As soon as I feel like he might want sex I start to feel panicky.

I think you need to see a sex therapist. I don't think it's helping to try to make to yourself do it when it clearly upset you so much. Be kind to yourself.

Hi @Armadillosheep
I haven’t got any constructive suggestions for you unfortunately but I think I can relate to how you feel. I was in a verbally abusive relationship with my ex-DH and every time we would be intimate this is how I felt. Literally like I had to grit my teeth and bare it. I’m sorry that you are going through this

I have felt like this at times, although not as strongly as this. More just like I'm not into it, and there are times I've almost wanted to push him off me even though he's not doing anything wrong! I think for me (us) there's a bit of a compatibility issue. I've definitely had thoughts that I could happily go without sex and I've always just thought it's the way I am but I'm not sure about that. Do you have feelings for your partner? Is your relationship okay otherwise?

You either don't fancy him or you don't fancy sex at all. Have you fancied other people and had good sex with them before?

Definitely don't have any more sex with him.

Is this a change? Did you once enjoy sex with him? Have you enjoyed sex with other people? Do you feel attracted to other people?

What's your relationship like apart from this issue? Is he loving and respectful to you and others? Does he listen to you, and take care of your feelings?

Have you discussed the issue together? If so, how did that conversation go? If not, why not?

So many questions. We need a bit more context, OP. Sounds horrible for you, whatever's causing it. Definitely don't put yourself through it again until you'll enjoy it.

Could it be that your gut is picking up that he only cares about his own pleasure?

Or maybe that you no longer fancy him?

Or that he doesn't treat you good in general and so you actually have no desire for sex with him?

Either way, definately stop having sex you dont want.

Do you enjoy pleasuring yourself? If not, do you know why? Do you know what makes you feel good? If you can enjoy making love to yourself then eventually with the right partner who is patient and understand, you can start to enjoy it with them. If it's because you just dont fancy doing anything sexual ( that is fine also ), I would ask if your partner is happy to be in a sexless relationship. If they aren't and you don't want to be sexual with them, then it is kinder for both of you to split up I would say. Best of luck OP

” I think yes I can do it, and then when it comes to it I have to disassociate and really make myself do it.”

Ooookayyyyy, hold your horses right there.

WHY are you doing this? Why aren’t you letting him know you don’t want to?

Does he realise you’re doing this? Does he sense it and carry on regardless?

Have you talked about this with him? What was his reaction? His REACTION, not the words that come out of his mouth.

Oh god, so many questions. Sorry. Your post has been quite triggering for me and all I will say is STOP allowing him to have sex with you against your instincts (whatever is causing them). TALK with him about it and if he is anything other than oblivious then concerned then have a long, serious think about whether or not he is the right guy for you. He absolutely is NOT entitled to have sex with you if it is distressing you to the point of tears and anxiety.

How long have you been together and did you previously have a good sex life that you enjoyed?

If so then is it a case that you have lost your desire for him and see him as a sibling etc..no sexual attraction/chemistry between you (well on your side)?

If so then that is quite common. It won't change and you really need to stop having the sex no matter how infrequent it is, and be fully honest with your partner. Your relationship might end of course if he doesn't want to remain in a sexless relationship when it's fully spelled out to him that it will be one forever more.

Or is it something else that is making it feel wrong?

I agree with all the posts saying talk to your dh and don't have sex you can barely make yourself do. But id also stick up for him to some extent- you're having sex once a year and I think he's just sticking his head in the sand and hoping things will improve from his perspective.

I do wonder if you've ever enjoyed sex - and if you don't want to have sex, that's ok. I also do wonder if you have sexual feelings for women. But talking to your dh does seem like the first step.