Coping with husband's MH issues

[Theconfusedartist]

Hi everyone,

I've come here because I don't feel there is any other space online for me to be able to seek help.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years (as of yesterday) and he genuinely is such a kind hearted soul. There has never been any doubts on my part about his character and when we got married, I was really made up. I knew he had depression, anxiety and OCD when we got together, but everything appeared to be in control.

Out of the blue last week, DH has hit crisis point. To cut a long story short, his OCD hadn't been managed or dealt with properly at diagnosis (pre our relationship) and at the present time, the obsessive focus is on our relationship.

There were five solid days where he was having intrusive thoughts about previous females in his life, whether that was people he liked, colleagues, university peers etc. It was hard to hear the fixation and worry over these people, but I tried to listen to what was happening and to understand it is the OCD talking. I'm not a jealous person and there's never been any reason for me to worry about us.

We both attended a crisis cafe on Tuesday where we spoke to a peer support worker and he has now got the ball rolling in terms of accessing help. We will be attending together every week for the immediate future and he will be seeking independent therapy. He also has a number he can call every day when issues arise.

It was a wedding anniversary yesterday and bar the time we went out for a meal, it was horrible. He is still having these intrusive thoughts, but another focus of the OCD appears to be on me. He is obviously distressed and upset, because he says there is nothing wrong with me, never has been worried about us before and such and is terrified I'll leave, but all the thoughts keep scrutinising my appearance and my presence heightens the anxiety. He tells me, I guess as a way of trying to ease the compulsions, but I am devastated. To hear obsessions over someone else and to hear that you're possibly unattractive or your OH isn't attracted to you is tough going, especially then when they're so upset by this because their rational brain knows it isn't true.

Basically, I'm at a loss at what to do. There's the saving grace that due to covid, we are living at my parents so I have people for support. I guess I'm just looking for any advice from people who have dealt with an SO with similar MH issues. Did therapy/medication help? I appreciate this is going to be something that requires lifelong treatment, but I don't know whether the scrutiny is something I'm strong enough to cope with forever.

I have said that a condition of our marriage staying together is that he seeks help and gets all his MH issues under control. I'm not so certain on our future goals together (children being the main one) - I am not fussed either way about kids but I wouldn't want to bring them into the world if that world is always going to be rocky.

I'm just so sad. After being widowed quite young and typical bad relationship experience, I was over the moon that I'd finally found someone who I envisaged a lifetime together with.

Thanks for reading.

So sorry you are dealing with this. If he was like this before you got married, then I think you probably now realise that the marriage might have been a mistake. The only person who can resolve his mental health issues is him. You are not responsible for him and his MH.

You might have to consider whether this is the way you want to live, and if the cost will be too high. Are you prepared to sacrifice your own happiness? Is he capable of bringing joy and equal partnership to your life? How do you see your future with him?

Honestly, that sounds horrendous. His MH issues doesn't give him the right to make your life a misery, which is what he's doing.

Your parents must be worried sick about you too.

This is a lot to be dealing with 2 years in..... and whilst not an easy thought, this could be something you have to live with for the rest of your life. Can you imagine being able to do that?

Sounds very hard OP.
What you're describing sounds like relationship OCD. It might help to read up on it so you both understand it better iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/
It is treatable but will take time.

I don't know whether the scrutiny is something I'm strong enough to cope with forever

There's absolutely no pressure on you to try.

It seems like you've decided to support your husband, but at the expense of supporting yourself.

What do you need, OP? What do you need, today? What needs to happen for today to be better for you?

Thanks for all the replies so far, it really is appreciated.

The difficulty I think is that he wasn't like this before marriage. He has ups and downs with the depression, but it was never major, just like "Oh I'm feeling a bit sad today" and that was pretty much it.

I agree that this is not what should be happening 2 years into a marriage. I know and stand by that this is not something I am prepared to accept and deal with forever. If he seeks and keeps up with treatment and deals with whatever crops up in a healthy manner, I am okay with that. If he doesn't keep up with his own self-care, I am not prepared to stay. I am undergoing a referral for myself for ADHD so I appreciate mental health struggles, but I fully agree that you are responsible for your own mental health.

For now, I am trying to focus on making sure I have enough going on in my own life in the view of the worst case scenario. We don't have joint bank accounts so from a financial viewpoint, there isn't too much to worry about. I plan to go outside and make sure I am still living my life and having my own space. I'm not going to be making any long term plans involving us both because I feel I need to see how the next few weeks go.

There is hope if ROCD is treatable (I know not curable) and this links in to what I said above. If he follows through with treatment and has the right coping strategies and techniques in place, and doesn't let it take over, I can work with that. If it isn't then I am prepared to walk away. I have sacrificed myself before (and all in vain for a relationship that was bad e.g. mental abuse, and the inevitable death of the ex) and I can't and won't do that again.

I think knowing your own boundaries is a really good quality, and you never have to justify or explain those to anyone other than yourself.

He tells me, I guess as a way of trying to ease the compulsions, but I am devastated

I think for your wellbeing and any potential future for your marriage this needs to change. If it's not possible/appropriate for him to stop expressing these worries to you (sorry not up on OCD) then schedule them in for say 20 mins a day. Or better, the crisis cafe sessions.

Hearing that stuff is v damaging, I speak from experience of exh who was verbally abusive in bipolar crises and it was devastating.

Taking care of yourself in this situation is just as important as taking care of him, imho

Hi, no experience of OCD but I was married to someone with anxiety and depression. Not so bad when we married but got worse and worse and add alcoholism on top.

We were married 5 years. At the start I really wanted to help, tried to understand but actually I couldn't.

What actually killed our marriage was his behaviour flipping over into being controlling. For him to be able to cope with his anxiety - I needed to follow his rules - and for him that was not seeing my friends or being out late for example. He also blamed me a lot at the end of his mental state.

But it wasn't all like this at the start. But if I had known how awful it would become I would not have stayed.

I am sorry it's not a positive story but remember to put your mental health first too

I think if his intrusive thoughts are focusing on you, and him vocalising them is affecting your mental health (and who wouldn't be affected?!) then he may need to - perhaps temporarily - remove himself from the house. Could he stay with his own family for a while?

My daughters partner has similar problems with anxiety, depression and at times intrusive thoughts. He is also a lovely man, one of the best.
She had some insight into this early in their relationship when his mood dipped and she struggled to understand what was going on. I really felt for her but couldn't advise her to ditch him just because he was unwell. They got through it together and with greater understanding for both of them on how to manage these problems. I was glad but also sad that this would be an aspect of her life if she stayed with him and that life may be that bit harder for her, just as it would if she was partnered with any man with a long term illness.
There have been ups and downs but mostly ups and they get through the downs together. The quality of their relationship when he is well is something she tries to hold onto when she is sad to see him suffering or frustrated/annoyed by his irrational thoughts.
Your husbands situation can absolutely be improved and hopefully you will come out the other side with better understanding and strength to manage his illness.
You promised to support him in sickness and in health so not the time to be throwing in the towel though I absolutely appreciate that there has to be a balance and there may come a time when that balance is tipped

Oh sorry, forgot where I was, I meant DD and DP!

As others have said, you really need to look after your own Mental Health first.
Does he have to share these intrusive thoughts with you ? Could he write them down instead (and you NOT read them) ??

I don't have any useful advice OP as I've never experienced anything like this before, but I wanted to post just to say what a remarkable woman you sound. You've had a tough life, being widowed young and you say bad relationships and mental abuse, and now you're dealing with this but you come across as very mature and understanding. Your DH doesn't know how lucky he is to have someone like you by his side because I can say, without a doubt, that I would not be able to cope with these behaviours, and I bet many other posters would put their hands up to the same. I hope it all works out for you .