I feel so angry all the time

[OiFrog93]

Looking for some advice, I've been awake since 3:30 and have been doing a lot of overthinking! I'm wondering if anyone else has felt this way and if they managed to pull themselves out of it. Sorry if this is rambly.

In the last 12 months I feel like I've been let down by pretty much every family member on both mine and DH's side. My dad was violent when I was younger, and remains emotionally manipulative still. He is very rarely violent, which in a way is scarier since that is more unpredictable. A couple of months ago he and my mum came round and he started to manipulate DD1 (2yo) by using the silent treatment when she didn't let him tickle her. I asked him not to do this. He responded by calling me a few days later telling me that he was about to kill himself. I confronted him about the past, to which he said he "couldn't even remember it". He then hung up. Two days later I asked my mum if there was any news, and she told me that he was home and still loved me. I've not had contact with them since, my choice.

I recently found out that DH was sexually abused as a child by his sister. I've known her 10 years. I've posted about this before which was helpful, but it's been 6 months since this all came out and I feel like nothing has changed. DH's parents told her to apologise to him, which she hasn't. They've carried on seeing her as normal. I never want to see her again, which is accepted by everyone, but it's all just been swept under the rug. I just feel so angry about it all, but can't say or do anything.

I used to get on really well with DH's parents until DD1 was born. They didn't respect my wishes to follow safety guidelines for sleep, they belittled me and created a lot of tension between me and DH. Things have been better this time round (I have an 8mo DD2), so I think they understand where they went wrong, but I still feel resentment towards them. I could talk to them about it, but it feels pointless when nothing can be done about it now.

On top of that, in the last year I had a baby, who is gorgeous but very clingy. I miss being able to walk from one room to another without her following me and crying. I worked from home from just before Christmas 2020, and feel quite isolated even though we've been getting out loads. I guess I kind of miss being at work. I've been diagnosed with OCD, something I think I've had for a very long time. It all just seems a bit much right now.

I just feel so angry and bitter towards everyone. Little things set me off and I'm snapping at my husband and children for the smallest things. I'm worried that I'm turning into my dad - maybe his violence started when he had kids, and I'm continuing the cycle and I can't stop it. That's what terrifies me. I want to get rid of this anger, but where can I even direct it, when everyone I'm angry with either doesn't understand or doesn't care? I go back to work in May (teacher) and either that'll distract me from my feelings or exacerbate them with stress added on top! Someone help?

Thanks to anyone who made it through that.

WOW that is long!

I think you need some trauma counselling. That sounds like a lot to deal with, and like having DD is triggering a response to your abusive dad.
If you talk to your gp, they can help.

Some of what you have written sounds like peri menopause, but I’m going to assume you’re young still.
Is any of this linked to your cycle, or is it constant ?
If I were you I’d be having a chat with your GP, particularly because you say ‘it all just seems a bit much right now’ and you’ve been diagnosed with OCD. From what you’ve written I’d say you have anxiety, and that needs a chat before it escalates.

That sounds like a lot for a person to handle. I would definitely recommend talking therapy to process it all if you can.
Try to break it down into 3 parts. DH sister and family - obviously ignore the sister, if you can’t go NC with the parents then just be polite but distant. Don’t let them have access to the children alone as they obviously cannot be protective factors.

Your Dad - you were completely right to call him out on his behaviour to DD. You are an adult now, completely in control. If he doesn’t behave appropriately then you remove yourself. A polite “we’re off now” will do. Every time. If he threatens to kill himself, send the police round. Every time. That’ll soon knock that on the head.
He will never accept what he was like in the past so move on from that if you can, the only person it is hurting is you as you will never get the apology you want.

With your clingy DD, that is a completely natural emotion when dealing with a clinger, just be kind to yourself with lot of self care and time out. No shame in looking forward to going back to work!

Lastly, well done for recognising that you could be like your Dad, that alone will help you to not be like him. You are not your Dad, you are you, and it’s time to rewrite history with your own family.

All of this is very black and white with no emotion but might give you somewhere to start.

You are not turning into your dad.
You are struggling to deal with childhood trauma to start with, then you’ve found out some additional traumatic news about your family which compounds the initial pain and hurt.
The resentment to DHs family, the clingy baby and feeling isolated bc of work are all issues which will pass - or hopefully will - in time.

I would start by dealing with the root cause, I would recommend therapy. I had therapy last year for trauma (different type) and it pretty much saved my life.
I was so angry, so so angry.
My therapist said to me one day that anger is just the flip side of pain, it just a way that the pain escapes out when we cannot contain it any longer.
You are not your dad, your angry does not define you, it’s not who you are. It is a symptom of the pain you are feeling.

You can usually self refer to therapy services without seeing your GP, just Google your area for NHS self referral. There will likely be a wait but it won’t solve itself on its own, so you’d be better to be on the list than not.
If you can afford it then you could go private, it was about 50£ a session when I looked into it.

Good luck OP, you’re not alone in these feelings, so many of us are angry and in pain over shitty childhoods. If you can start to deal with the real trauma, you will likely find it easier to deal with and tolerate the day to day stresses - like clingy children

@GeneLovesJezebel

Some of what you have written sounds like peri menopause, but I’m going to assume you’re young still. Is any of this linked to your cycle, or is it constant ? If I were you I’d be having a chat with your GP, particularly because you say ‘it all just seems a bit much right now’ and you’ve been diagnosed with OCD. From what you’ve written I’d say you have anxiety, and that needs a chat before it escalates.

Wow. 'Is it your hormones, love?' That's a hell of a response, given what OP has actually taken the time to explain. How invalidating.

OP, this stood out to me:

I could talk to them about it, but it feels pointless when nothing can be done about it now

You are completely dismissing/disregarding your own emotional state. The can't undo what they did, but they absolutely could take steps to take care of your emotions around the issue, like listening to your point of view, apologising for actions that have made you feel bad, etc. In a word, by validating your feelings.

Nobody is validating your feelings, not even you. In the quote above, you are essentially saying 'My feelings are not important enough to factor in, here, and nothing can be practically undone, so let's just forget about it' When we are not validated, we get angry. That's a natural response. It's just like if you speak to someone and they don't respond. Eventually it gets really frustrating. And that's what you're doing to yourself, and allowing everyone else to do to you. Your feelings say 'I'm not happy about this situation', your mind chips in, because you've been conditioned, and says 'Shut up, feelings, nobody's interested in what you've got to say', and your feelings respond, as they are now, and increasingly often, with 'I'M GETTING REALLY PISSED OFF WITH THIS NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME DOES NOBODY EVEN CARE WHAT I FEEL I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!!'

Read about self validation. Read about validation within relationships. Start saying how you feel, and respecting how you feel, and expect respect from others, too.

You need to go to counselling and cut any contact with the abusers in both yours and DH’s family.

My friend once told me that bottling up such feelings is like “drinking a poison and hoping someone else will die of it” or something along those lines.

Your anger is valid but you need to address it and resolve the cause of it in order to move on.

Watchkeys - if you take the time to read my post you’ll see I actually suggest anxiety, so don’t twist my words.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Is any of this linked to your cycle, or is it constant

I wonder if you read your post. The quote above suggests directly that you think it might be OP's problems causing the problem. No twisting necessary on my part.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

I asked that question, I then said anxiety.
Time to end this now.

@OiFrog93

Don't take notice of anyone trying to diagnose you with a medical condition. Anger is an appropriate response to having your boundaries crossed repeatedly, rather than a pathology.

You can’t change other people, you can only change your response to it.

I understand why you feel angry, and I don’t think you’re turning into your father.

Having children makes us protective and in all your examples no one protected the children, your husbands parents didn’t respect him, your father/mother didn’t protect you - so in a way having children is making you step up and protect your daughters from harm - only this is a new thing to you! You’ve never had to do it before and both your parents and in-laws haven’t seen this side to you - so you are all out of your depths in terms of the ebb and flow of your relationships.

You aren’t doing anything wrong, you are resetting your boundaries for your children.

They’ll either tow the line or walk away - but that’s your decision.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. It's reassuring to hear that feeling angry is normal, I guess everyone around me acts like it's not, but seeing everything written down like that makes me realise how many bad things have happened since having my second baby! @AdamRyan I hadn't thought about it as trauma; I thought that was a more immediate response to just a physical attack. I'm looking into that now and what I'm reading is making a lot of sense. A lot of stuff about anger at injustice is ringing bells. I will be looking into some sort of therapy, I just don't know where to start! And I'm into the unpaid end of maternity leave, so sadly that might have to wait a little while. I find it hard to tell my toddler off and feel like I'm guessing at what a 'normal' level of anger is, so feel guilt everytime I have to tell her off, which I guess isn't helping me move forward. I think I was using DH's parents and family as a yardstick for normal, which now I realise was based on a lie! Thanks for letting me rant here

feel like I'm guessing at what a 'normal' level of anger is

There's no normal for emotions, OP. This is a really vital point for self validation. Suggesting a 'normal' suggests that you might do it 'wrong', but no emotions are wrong. You can work out when you're calm how you want to respond to your anger at your toddler, so that you don't have a directly angry response at her. But beyond that, all feelings are valid, for all of us. If you feel like you want to poke someone in the eye with a chopstick (or both eyes with a pair of chopsticks!), that's fine. As long as you don't do it. If you want to push someone in the lake, that's fine. As long as you don't do it. If you want to scream in your toddler's face, that's fine. As long as you don't do it.

The definition between feelings and actions is key to self respect. Respect your feelings; understand the messages they give you. They are who you are, you mustn't silence or ignore them. But if the feeling is 'Get me the chopsticks, this guy is driving me NUTS!!' then interpret that. What does that mean? You need to not be around his behaviour. Is it sensible to ask him to stop, or more sensible to leave his company?

Once you start to listen to your feelings and respond in this way, your life will change, as will the company you keep.

Your anger is your true self, your heart, your soul, the real you, screaming her head off to be heard. You've been silencing her since you were a kid, and it was more important to not trigger your dad than it was to listen to what your heart told you. There's no wonder she's angry by now! She will calm down when you start to listen to her. Eventually she will be the calm indicator of your boundaries. She'll quietly say to you 'This guy's an idiot, can we go somewhere else, please?' and when you do, that will be the definition of your self respect.

I agree with the post above. Thank goodness you are angry. You have many things to be angry about. You seem self aware enough to understand that you can't take your anger out on those around you because it doesn't sate the anger. This is because it isn't about them. It's about you. This is an amazing insight and thank you for sharing that on a day when we are experiencing such misdirected rage and anger in the wider world. I would also suggest therapy, you need somewhere safe to take your childhood trauma and other issues that have come up. Good luck OP

Sorry I just read you can't afford therapy right now, how about writing things down? Write every day. Scribble if you need to. Or paint or draw. Try and find the thing that helps you to express how you feel.

@coffeeisthebest

Sorry I just read you can't afford therapy right now, how about writing things down? Write every day. Scribble if you need to. Or paint or draw. Try and find the thing that helps you to express how you feel.

Brilliant suggestion. I did this. Almost as soon as I started, I had to go out and buy a red pen. There were a lot of capitals, and a lot of underlining. I thought that what I was writing was unfettered, incomprehensible rage, but when I read it back, a little while after, it was a completely coherent expression of emotions that made sense.

And it was really good to get it out, to let that angry inner-me actually speak, even though nobody read it except me.

You're already dealing with childhood trauma, and now you've learned some extra distressing news about your family, which adds to your grief and hurt. Unfortunately, anger is also exacerbated by a lack of sleep.
It is reasonable to feel irritated in this situation. However, if you overthink everything, you will feel out of control, and you will be upset with yourself or others for no reason.

Begin writing, meditate, and try to be grateful. After a few days, you will begin to feel better and will be able to sleep more easily.

Hi all, sorry for not replying sooner, my heads pace has been completely taken up with anxiety over Ukraine today, seems a silly day to have posted about my own problems!

@Watchkeys reading that made me cry, thank you for posting that. I guess I need to accept this anger for a little while, and see it as a normal reaction for when I think of the younger version of myself. I'm going to write letters to everyone, and not send them. I think that might be a good place to start.

If you cried with a feeling of relief, that's because you felt heard, finally, partially by the fact that my comment showed that I understand and validate what you've said, but partly, and more importantly, because it allowed you to feel that your emotions are just fine as they are, and that's self validation. That's a relief you can feel all the time. Just accept how you feel.

These days I tend to think of my emotions like the weather; sometimes it's a lovely day, and sometimes clouds go by. Sometimes, there's a storm. All of it's fine, transient... and the only way I have any control of it is to control where I am... so if it rains, I can go indoors, and that's exactly the same as if somebody is pissing me off, I can go elsewhere, and shelter from the pissed off feeling.

Writing letters sounds great. I wrote for a looooong time, months, I think, until I ran out of stuff to say and I got bored. It's a bit like eating when you're hungry; you can't imagine how you could ever want to stop. But soon enough, you're done! Write big, write red, write angry. It can really help, and nobody but you will ever see it.

For your dad, Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Did He Do That?' might help you understand how manipulative strategies better.

For your answer, 'The Dance of Anger' will probably help you understand it.

For boundaries, 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' and Dr. Cloud's 'Boundaries' worud be good.

For you, 'How To Do The Work' by the holistic psychologist (she's also on Instagram, the comments are very useful) would be good.

It gets better. X