What is going on ?

[Ilovetheseventies]

I love my dp and i dont want to be without him, we have a wonderful time together but when we are not together doubts creep in.
Its like i have a voice in my head telling me its not right and a gut feeling but i have nothing to base this on.
We have had a trial break in the past which lasts all of a few days.
Has anyone else had this ?
We dont live together. Am i too dependant on him and cant let him go or am i just sabotaging things. Any ideas ?

Always listen to your gut, you have instincts for a reason. What doesn't feel right?

Is it your gut feeling or your insecurity?

I am watching this with interest as I am exactly the same, I've been with him for 6 years!! He treats be and the children brilliantly, but there's this nagging feeling. Nothing to base it on, he's open with his devices, he's never missing if I ever call him, but there's this huge knot in my stomach whenever we are apart. My problem is my ex husband cheated on my pretty much all of our 25 year relationship, I had doubts at times but, as I found out, in the end I learned he was a fantastic liar! So I don't know if my now partner is paying the price for this or if he's equally dodgy. I have unfortunately gone down a rabbit hole in the past though and snooped, amd found a couple of things that my ocd brain leapt on and made into 'evidence' but my mum, daughter and friends all think I'm being silly and it's just my brain causing me to get upset about these things. Im also upset if i see him on facebook but i know how ridiculous amd controlling that sounds! It's tiring but I don't want to through away a fantastic relationship (& it is one outside of my head!) Based on...not a lot. Anyway, not meaning to hijack your thread but wanted you to know you're not alone and also to see if there's any help for you that may help me. I can't tell the difference between gut feelings and anxiety/ocd thinking. Are you able to trust your gut?

So many spelling errors including through for throw! Writing in a rush as your post resonated and wanted to get the words down quickly despite being late!! Anyway, hope you got the gist!

@Crystalvas

Is it your gut feeling or your insecurity?

They are the same thing. We develop gut feelings according to our experiences.

OP, why did you have a trial break?

Can you say a bit more about your relationship? Is he loving and respectful towards you? Does he listen to you, and take your feelings into consideration? How do you deal with conflict together? Do you feel it gets resolved, and you're comfortable with the way you resolve things?

I'm like this too. Previously cheated on. Constant sort of imposter syndrome re my DP as in lots of ways he would be seen as the more attractive of the two of us. To be fair He has lied to me about some things which doesn't help-although we are working through that and I fully understand the reasons he lied. Its not enough for me to end it with him, but it is enough to make my gut feelings even stronger. My confidence is at an all time low tbh. Yet I love him, my kids love him, we have the best time when we are together. I wish I could get out of my own head. It's an exhausting place to be.

I find that when I'm tired or a bit down, I start double-guessing myself and wondering if I am just painting a rosy picture of our relationship because I want it to be good. I think this comes from my experience of having been positive about my marriage, and thinking it was OK, then seeing it in a different light when it ended. I'm afraid that I might be deluding myself.

I had this due to a traumatic childhood and ultimately rejection from loved ones. It was like my brain used to find things wrong, so I could get annoyed or irritated at him or whatever and push him away, just to say how hard he would fight to come back to me, and that would prove that he genuinely cared.
Absolutely fucked up and some on here would probably say it was borderline abusive. That's why I don't believe inthe whole ' gut feeling' mantra. It took me years to work out what I was doing and that wasn't particularly due to whoever I was with.
However I took control when I realised what I was doing and was able to work things though. 10 years into a relationship and I'm the happiest I could be. Hope this helped

Your gut is something to base it on.

If you already have OCD it is highly likely it’s manifested into relationship OCD, it’s real and it’s awful.

Sorry for late reply. No i dont have ocd. When we got together it was v intense and he put me on a pedestal, he came from a v abusive relationship but had sometime on his own.
He is quite insecure to say the least. We have had a few stressful issues to deal with too.
However he is very loving, kind caring, generous a lovely person. Maybe thats it. He's drummed it into me that he is not good enough.
I dont believe in the gut feeling either it is not always right.
I had lots of relationships where i went off men. The only relationship that lasted was with my ex DP of 18 yrs and it just felt right, until it wasnt.
Purplepeople18 hope some replies may help you.
I don't think issues do get resolved, have to always be nice. He said i can be really nasty but i honestly dont think i particularly am. I think sometimes when you fall out you say things or get irritated. He said i was loving but then more distant. I think he has high exoectations and of course doesnt factor in how awful you can feel going through the menopause.
I am starting to think i maybe happier without him. And rather than think i love him so much and i would die without him i should re shape my world view. He can be very intense and maybe i just can't handle that. Sorry if this is a ramble.
He is lovely treats me really well cannot complain about that and we have a lovely time together.

I put up with this for 13 years.
In the end I decided he was full on with the idea of commitment as a father to my two DC's and so generous he was making himself indispensable without me feeling special. And he wouldn't communicate either he just took it all forgranted and walk out if anything wasn't exactly how he'd like it. I decided once that the next time would be his last. And it was. 10 years ago. He's still heartbroken. Too late now.

@Lollipop858 ROCD was what I thought of too.
With past relationships with infidelity issues, if you’ve suffered from OCD before, it’s not uncommon for the OCD to reoccur due to the dress and anxiety, but with a relationship worry theme and become Relationship OCD. Very hard to distinguish between a ‘gut feeling’ and a distressing recurring thought or idea which you can’t switch off, which could be ROCD. If you’ve had OCD before OP, or any other poster here, I’d check out the symptoms of ROCD before you trash what you know ‘on paper’ or at face value to be a good relationship. It’s a tough one because it’s hard to tell the difference! If the nagging feeling comes and goes it’s less likely to be ROCD. Any form of OCD doesn’t leave you alone for very long. Horrible, destructive condition.

@Ilovetheseventies

I dont believe in the gut feeling either it is not always right

It doesn't make a blind bit of difference if it has its facts straight or not. It's what you rely on to tell you if you're happy or not, not to tell you what people have done wrong or right. If you had a gut feeling that your partner had been unfaithful, when they hadn't, for example, that doesn't mean you should ignore the gut feeling. It means that there's something in you that's suspicious of this person, that doesn't feel comfortable with them.

You have to listen to it, because you can't switch it off. If your gut tells you you're not happy, you're not happy, and that's it. That's why you have to respect it. Not because it's 'right', but because it defines how you feel. If you want to be happy, go where your gut is happy. There's no point going somewhere where everything is 'right', but you feel rubbish, is there?

@baileys6904 your post describes me to a tee. I am now back in therapy to help me unpick and cope. I too am with a fantastic partner but we are struggling as we have had lots of unexpected issues thrown our way and my default position is exactly as you described whereas his is to shut down and run for cover! We will both do couples
Counselling when my stint comes to an end .
@Purplepeople12 ... I was guilty of the same behaviour due to the same circumstances. I'm trying to heal
Myself through this therapy.
OP....Gut feelings can be hard to trust when you can hardly trust yourself having had your trust destroyed in plain sight. Hope that makes sense and good luck to all going through this .

I also got a lot worse dependant on time of the month-a week or so before I was due on, I used to be so insecure, push him away so much, I was disgraceful. May tie in somewhat

@thetirednurse good luck with counselling. I've been with my OH 10 years and happily I can say I view myself as almost 'normal' now. It helped a lot being able to figure why I was quite like that. Best of luck to you

Thanks@baileys6904 .
It was a series of moments in my relationship that made me think ... uh oh, there's a pattern forming here.
In my previous relationship, a marriage of almost 20 years, I never reacted to my husbands shouty and aggressive out bursts as I was trying to protect my children from his nastiness.
In this relationship, I feel comfortable , secure and safe UNTIL I catastrophise and over react. My therapist said I was testing him to see how far I could push him away to prove that I was right all along.... he would leave too!
So my partner and I have chatted. I've been very open and vulnerable and laid my cards out. I have weeks of therapy ahead of me and then we will do couples therapy for a while when I'm done It's heavy going but I know the origins of my behaviour so I'm hoping that with good support, Inwill be able to turn this around and sabotage yet another relationship .